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OVERVIEW The first word that usually comes to mind when people think of “communi- cation” is speaking. But speaking is only part of the process of communicat- ing, and while it is important, there is another part that is even more important: listening. When no one is listening, it doesn’t matter how many words you speak or how clearly those words are spoken. When no one is listening, it is impossible to communicate.
Real listening is not easy (if it were, there would be little reason for this course). Real listening takes effort and attention, so listening is where we will begin.
2 Listening:
The Foundation
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Learning Objectives
When you complete this chapter, you should be able to:
• Explain why listening skills are the founda- tion of clear communication.
• Explain why hearing is not necessarily listening.
• Identify obstacles to good listening. • Define active listening, clarifying, and para-
phrasing. • State key actions for improving listening
skills. • Evaluate your listening skills at work.
focusfocus
WHY DOES LISTENING MATTER? On the morning of an important presentation, Allison woke with a bad cold— and hardly any voice. She called Brad, who had helped put the presentation together, and asked him to take over for her. She gave Brad the time and lo- cation for the presentation and said, “My slides are in a box on the top of my desk. Better go through them—they might be out of order.” She also told him to remember that the clients had said they limit the presentation to a maximum of 45 minutes, including the question-and-answer session. “These people want a chance to ask questions,” she said, “so be sure you leave enough time.”
While he was on the phone with Allison, Brad went through his calen- dar and made a list of appointments and meetings he would need to change or cancel. He also downloaded a copy of the proposal so he could review it. When Allison finished speaking, he said, “Don’t worry. Get some rest and let me take care of the presentation.”
After making his phone calls and reviewing the proposal, Brad grabbed the slides and hurried out of the building so he could get to the clients’ offices on time. Unfortunately, he didn’t notice that the slides were out of order until he had already started the presentation, so he had to stop for sev- eral minutes to reorganize them. He still finished the slide show within the time limit, but there was no time left for questions.
When Allison returned to the office two days later, she learned that the client had awarded the contract to a competing firm.
Brad made two mistakes that might have contributed to the loss of this important contract. He failed to organize the slides before the presentation, and he didn’t leave time for questions. What happened? Why did Brad make such serious mistakes?
Brad did not pay enough attention when Allison explained what he needed to do. Instead of listening, he was going through his calendar, think- ing about the changes he had to make to his schedule for the day and down- loading the proposal from his computer.
When people don’t listen, they often miss important information or mis- understand what’s being said, which can lead to mistakes like the ones Brad made. Not listening also wastes energy and time. Why bother speaking if the person you are speaking to is not paying attention?
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Think About It . . .
Have you ever missed important information because you were not listening carefully enough? What was the result?
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WHAT IS GOOD LISTENING? We always hear what someone says. But there is a big difference between “hearing” and “listening.” What do you think the difference is?
“Hearing” is physiological. Your ears register sounds of all kinds—the drone of an airplane flying overhead, music from the radio, a child’s laugh, the words someone speaks. But hearing someone’s words is only the begin- ning. It’s what you do when you hear the words that makes the difference between hearing and listening.
Hearing is a passive process. It just happens. In fact, although you can close your eyes to shut out visual images, you cannot close your ears to shut out sounds. Listening, however, is an active process that requires energy and engages your mind. When you listen, you pay attention, interpret the words, understand them, and, if appropriate, respond to them. Real communication happens when you not only hear but understand a speaker’s message.
When you really listen, you do several things:
• Consciously focus on the speaker, ignoring external or internal distractions so you can pay attention to the words, tone of voice, and body language.
• Interpret the message by actively engaging your mind to make sense of what the person is saying.
• Clarify when needed by asking questions to make sure you understand what the person means.
• Select what’s important by filtering out information that is not relevant to the topic or of interest to you.
• Respond to the message by letting the person know he or she has been heard and understood and by taking action if necessary.
To make sure you are really listening, not just hearing, you first need to recognize the obstacles that can make listening difficult.
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Hearing and Listening
The word listen comes from two Anglo-Saxon words: hylstan, which means “to hear,” and hlosnian, which means “to wait in suspense.” Hylstan describes a passive activity, hearing, while hlosnian de- scribes an action—waiting for something to happen. (Bolton, Robert. People Skills. New York: Simon and Schuster, 1979. p. 32.)
OBSTACLES TO GOOD LISTENING In the story about Brad and Allison that began this chapter, Brad missed key information because he was distracted. Distractions, such as thinking of other things, are one kind of obstacle that make it hard to listen. There are many others that make it hard for all of us to listen.
Think of a time during the past few days when you found it difficult to listen to what someone was saying. What was going on? Why did you have trouble listening?
You might have had difficulty listening because of one of the common obstacles listed in Exhibit 2–1.
Noise Sometimes listening is difficult simply because it is difficult to hear. Perhaps people are talking so loudly in a restaurant that you can hardly hear your
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xhibit 2–1 Obstacles to Good Listening
Obstacles to good listening include:
• Noise • Distractions • Assumptions • Rehearsing • Impatience • Lack of interest • Distrust • Differences in status, gender, and culture
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companion. A jackhammer outside the presentation room makes it impossi- ble to hear the speaker. Traffic noise keeps you from hearing the person who has called on your cell phone.
When you cannot control noise that prevents you from listening, let the other person know that you cannot hear what they are saying. That way, the person will not think you are listening when you are not.
Distractions Like Brad, you will find it hard to listen when your attention is on other things, people keep interrupting the conversation, or something interesting is going on nearby. Just as you cannot keep yourself from hearing noise, you cannot stop yourself from becoming distracted—thoughts pop into your mind; people come into the room. What you can do is notice when a dis- traction is keeping you from listening. If possible, re-focus your attention on the speaker. If you are unable to overcome the distraction, say, “I’m sorry. I’m having trouble listening to you right now. I know that what you have to say is important—can we talk about it later?”
Assumptions Imagine that while you are listening to the following conversation, you are suddenly able to hear what Carlos is thinking.
JULIANNA: Oh, hi, Carlos. I’m glad to see you. Could you come into my office for a minute? There’s something we need to talk about.
CARLOS: (Uh-oh, she wants to tell me that she hates the proposal, after all the work I did on it.) Uh...I’m kind of busy right now.”
JULIANNA: This won’t take long. By the way, I thought you did a great job with the proposal.
CARLOS: Thanks. (Now she’s going to say, “But I hate it. . . .”) JULIANNA: I know your schedule is pretty full this week. . . . CARLOS: You can say that again. (“I don’t care what she says. I’m not re-doing the
proposal.”) JULIANNA: But. . . CARLOS: Look, I did the best I could with that proposal, and if you don’t like it,
maybe you should get someone else to do it over. JULIANNA: (After a moment’s hesitation) I thought I said that I liked the proposal.
In fact, you did such a good job, I was going to ask you to make room in your schedule to come with me to Seattle to present it to the clients.
Carlos was embarrassed because he had jumped to the conclusion that Julianna hated the proposal. He wasn’t listening because he assumed he knew
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what she was going to say. What could Carlos have done to avoid embar- rassing himself?
Carlos could have checked out his assumption that Julianna hated the proposal. When she said, “There’s something we need to talk about,” he could have said, “Did you want to talk about the proposal? What did you think of it?” Then Julianna could have told him right away that she thought he had done such a good job and she wanted him to come to Seattle with her.
Think About It . . .
Can you recall a time when you assumed you knew what someone was going to say, only to find out that you were wrong? What was the result?
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Rehearsing Sometimes people fail to listen because they are busy planning what they’re going to say next. But the response they are preparing is to what they think the person is saying, not to what the person actually says.
You cannot rehearse your response and listen at the same time. So when you catch yourself rehearsing, stop. Focus your attention on the speaker, and wait until the person has finished before you even think about what you are going to say.
Impatience Impatience is a serious obstacle to listening. In what kinds of situations do you feel impatient while people are speaking?
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You might feel impatient when you want someone to finish what they are saying so you can get back to work or express your own ideas. You might also feel impatient when people repeat themselves or take too long to get to the point. Whatever the reason, you stop listening. You might convey your irritation nonverbally through your facial expression or body language, or you might interrupt the person before he or she is finished.
When you feel impatient with a speaker, try to identify the reasons. If you really are too busy to listen, you might say, “I’m sorry, I have to finish this work by noon. Can we talk after lunch?” If the person seems too long-winded, ask questions to help him or her get the point across: “So you are saying that we have two problems with the phone conferencing system, not just one?”
Lack of Interest We spend a lot of our time listening. But only a small percentage of the in- formation we hear is of immediate interest and use.
If you are not interested in what someone is saying, try to find a reason why it might be meaningful or important. You might say, “I’m sorry, but I need to know why you’re telling me this,” or “Can you tell me what the con- nection is between the purpose of this meeting and what you’re talking about right now?” Sometimes you can elevate your interest simply by understand- ing that giving the person the chance to talk about the topic—perhaps a prob- lem he or she is having—is what’s important.
Think About It . . .
Remember a time when you felt bored during a conversation. Why were you bored? Were there any questions you could have asked to determine why the conversation was meaningful or important?
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Distrust It is very hard to listen when you distrust the speaker’s motives or the accu- racy of what they are saying. That’s what happened to Andre.
Andre has been working with Marlena to improve her job performance. Several times in the past year, she has blamed mistakes she made on other people. Yesterday, Andre received an angry e-mail from a customer who had received someone else’s order instead of her own. When Andre asked Mar- lena to tell him what happened, she launched into a long explanation, giving him all the reasons the error was the customer’s fault.
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As soon as Marlena began talking, Andre thought, “Here we go again.” In the middle of her explanation, he snapped, “I don’t really care what hap- pened. Take care of it.” She did as he said, but her behavior showed that she was upset.
Two days later, Andre received another e-mail from the customer, thank- ing him for replacing the order—and apologizing for having placed it incor- rectly in the first place.
Andre’s distrust of Marlena’s motives got in the way of his ability to lis- ten to her explanation. Because he distrusted her motives, he automatically assumed she was trying to blame the client for her own mistake. What might Andre have done instead?
Andre might have tried to listen with an open mind and focus the con- versation on the best way to resolve the problem. Afterwards, he could have followed up to find out what really happened.
Differences in Status, Gender, and Culture Think of a time when it was difficult to listen because you felt uncomfort- able with the other person or with the way the person was speaking. That’s what made it difficult for Robert to listen to June.
Robert disliked talking to June. She never looked him in the eye, and she spoke so softly that sometimes he could hardly hear her. She also never asked for anything directly. Instead, she made statements that forced him to guess at what she meant. He found it hard to pay attention because he kept wishing she would speak up, look him in the eye, and get to the point.
Why did Robert have so much trouble listening to June?
Robert had trouble listening to June because her communication style was so different from his own. She was raised to believe that women should keep their eyes downcast when they spoke, speak softly, and not be assertive. These kinds of cultural and gender differences present an obstacle to good listening.
You might feel the same kinds of discomfort when you are listening to someone whom you perceive to have higher status than yourself—your man- ager or someone in authority like a judge. In fact, you might feel so uncom- fortable while they are speaking that you are unable even to hear what they say.
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pply What You Learn . . .
What are the obstacles that make it hard for you to listen? For the next two weeks, every time you find it hard to listen to someone, make an entry in your log. At the end of the two weeks, you’ll have a much better idea of what gets in the way of good listening—and you can use that information to become a better listener.
LISTEN ACTIVELY Earlier you learned that good listening is an active process in which you pay attention to the speaker and engage your mind so you can interpret and re- spond to the speaker’s message.
The opposite of active listening is passive listening. When you listen pas- sively, you simply take in what you hear. Perhaps you understand it; perhaps you do not. Perhaps you respond or take action; perhaps you do not. What you do not do, however, is interact with the speaker.
In this dialogue, Ralph is explaining to a new employee, Ariana, how the department is set up. Is Ariana an active listener, or is she a passive listener?
RALPH: So Michael takes the orders, reviews them, and passes them on to Pe- dro, who enters them into the system, unless there are any problems. You’ll start by working with Pedro. He’ll show you how to process the orders. Okay so far?
ARIANA: Uh-huh. RALPH: The important thing is to make sure that once the orders are processed
they get followed up. Okay? ARIANA: Okay. RALPH: Because sometimes things fall through the cracks, if you know what I
mean. ARIANA: Right.
In this dialogue, Ariana is a passive listener. She may or may not understand what Ralph is saying—but there is no way to tell from her responses.
Let’s replay that dialogue. This time, Ariana is listening actively.
RALPH: So Michael takes the orders, reviews them, and passes them on to Pe- dro, who enters them into the system, unless there are any problems. You’ll start by working with Pedro. He’ll show you how to process the orders. Okay so far?
ARIANA: Let’s see if I’m following you. Michael takes and reviews the orders then gives them to Pedro for processing. Pedro will show me how to do that. What happens if there are problems?
RALPH: Good question. If Michael sees problems, he takes care of them. Pedro passes any problem orders back to Michael.
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ARIANA: I see. RALPH: The important thing is to make sure that once the orders are processed
they get followed up. Okay? ARIANA: Okay. Who does the follow up?
This time, Ariana is actively involved in the communication. Ralph has no trouble knowing what she understands and what she doesn’t.
When you listen actively, you interact with the speaker in such a way that the speaker knows you are getting—or not getting—the message. You might ask questions that help the speaker clarify what he or she is saying, or you might paraphrase the speaker’s message so he or she knows you have heard it. Sometimes it’s not even what you say, it’s how you behave that lets the speaker know you have—or have not—gotten the message.
Exhibit 2–2 summarizes what you can do to listen actively.
Focus on the Speaker Imagine that you are speaking to a small group that includes Annie and Lorenzo. Which of them is listening actively?
Annie sits slumped in her chair, and her eyes keep roving around the room. Every few moments she glances at her watch. She holds a pen that she keeps twirling in her fingers.
Lorenzo sits straight up in his chair, and he is leaning forward slightly. Every time you look his way he makes eye contact. He makes occasional notes on a tablet, and he nods and smiles at appropriate moments.
Annie does not appear to be listening actively. It seems as if her mind is elsewhere, or she is bored. Lorenzo, on the other hand, is focusing his at- tention on you, and his nonverbal responses indicate that he is listening care- fully to what you are saying.
Active listeners, like Lorenzo, keep their attention on the speaker. Their body positions, facial expressions, and other nonverbal gestures show that they are participating in the communication process.
Clarify as Needed Active listeners participate in the communication process by asking questions that help them understand what the speaker is saying, as in this example:
20 COMMUNICATION SKILLS FOR MANAGERS
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xhibit 2–2 How to Listen Actively
To listen actively:
• Focus on the speaker. • Clarify as needed to make sure you understand. • Paraphrase to summarize content and meaning.
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JOE: I sat in on the meeting with that new P.R. firm yesterday. I sure was im- pressed.
MARGO: Impressed with the firm? Or with their ideas for our marketing cam- paign?
JOE: I like the firm—they seem to know what they’re doing. But what really impressed me was the way the marketing campaign seems to be just what we need.
Notice the way in which Margo’s clarifying question helped Joe focus on what he was really trying to say. Clarifying lets speakers know what de- tails to add so listeners have enough information—and the right information. Clarifying also gives a speaker the chance to correct any mistaken impres- sions or misunderstandings, as you can see from the next part of the dialogue between Margo and Joe.
MARGO: So you think we should hire this firm? JOE: No, I didn’t say that. We still have two more firms to interview, and
their fees are pretty hefty. But I do think we should put them high up on the list.
Paraphrase to Summarize Meaning and Content The third element in active listening is paraphrasing. When you paraphrase, you essentially repeat back what you heard the speaker say. Like clarifying, paraphrasing lets the speakers know they have been heard, and it gives them a chance to correct misunderstandings. Here’s more of Margo and Joe’s con- versation:
MARGO: So what you’re saying is that this firm seems to know what they’re do- ing and came up with a great campaign, but their fees are high and you don’t think we should make a decision until we’ve interviewed all the candidates.
JOE: Right.
Think About It . . .
Look for an opportunity to observe people while they are listening. Notice the nonverbal ways in which they indicate whether they are listening actively. Also notice how they use clarifying and paraphrasing to make sure they understand the speaker, let the speaker know he or she has been heard, and give the speaker a chance to correct misunderstandings.
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Try It Yourself
Do the following activity with a partner:
1. Ask your partner to tell you about a problem or project he or she is working on. Do not offer advice. Simply listen actively by clarifying and paraphrasing as needed until the person agrees that you understand the message.
2. Switch roles and repeat the activity. 3. Discuss the results.
HOW TO BE A BETTER LISTENER We can all improve our ability to be better listeners. Improvement begins by assessing your listening behaviors. Answer the questions in Exhibit 2–3 to evaluate your listening skills.
A rating of “3” or less on any item indicates that you need to improve that skill. Exhibit 2–4 shows some steps you can take.
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xhibit 2–3 What Kind of Listener Are You?
Rate your listening skills:
Always 1 2 3 4 5 Seldom
1. ___ I make an effort to pay attention to the speaker, make eye contact, and focus on what he or she is saying.
2. ___ While someone is speaking, I try to avoid assuming that I already know what the person is going to say.
3. ___ While someone is speaking, I try to avoid rehearsing what I am going to say next.
4. ___ I try not to let feelings of impatience interfere with my ability to listen.
5. ___ When I feel uninterested in what someone is saying, I try to understand why it matters.
6. ___ When I find it hard to listen, I try to identify the obstacle that is getting in my way.
7. ___ I ask questions as needed to clarify what someone is saying.
8. ___ When appropriate, I let the speaker know I have heard the message by paraphrasing his or her words.
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Have a Reason for Listening Much of the time we listen without thinking about the reasons why. But with- out a good reason for listening, your mind might wander and you might be- come impatient. To improve your listening skills, think about your reasons for listening. Do you need the information? Do you have a general interest in the topic? Do you want to know the speaker’s ideas or opinions? Does the speaker need an opportunity or chance to express herself on an issue? The better able you are to identify your reason for listening, the better able you will be to listen.
Participate in the Process You have already learned that active listeners participate in the communica- tion process. The effort you make to pay attention, focus on the speaker, ask clarifying questions, and paraphrase as needed will pay off in terms of more effective communication. Your participation as an active listener has another benefit as well: It helps other people be better speakers. Your attention and questions demonstrate an interest in what the other person is saying and help him or her clarify the message.
Monitor Your Listening Behavior Improving your listening skills takes practice, and practice begins by in- creasing your awareness of your listening behavior. Try to notice when you are allowing a distraction to interfere, assuming you know what someone is going to say, or rehearsing your response. No one listens attentively all the time. But when you catch yourself thinking about where you’re going to eat lunch instead of listening, turn your attention back to the speaker. If you no- tice that you are not participating, look for an opportunity to ask a clarify- ing question or paraphrase what the speaker has said. And be aware of your body language—are you making eye contact with the speaker? Slumping? Fidgeting?
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xhibit 2–4 How to Improve Your Listening Skills
To improve your listening skills
• Have a reason for listening. • Participate in the process. • Monitor your listening behavior. • Be patient. • When appropriate, take notes.
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Be Patient As you will learn in the next chapter, it is not always easy for a speaker to get his or her message across clearly. To be a better listener, teach yourself to be more patient, even when people ramble or take too much time to say some- thing. Try to wait until the speaker has finished a thought before respond- ing. If you have a tendency to jump in too quickly, try using the “ten-second pause”—wait for ten seconds after the person seems to have finished. That brief delay allows you to process what the person said.
When Appropriate, Take Notes Taking notes forces you to concentrate on what the speaker is saying, and the notes will be useful later by reminding you of points you might otherwise forget. The process of taking notes helps you follow the speaker’s points and identify questions you need to ask.
pply What You Learn . . .
For the next two weeks, make a log entry every day to note the results of your new focus on im- proving your listening skills.
Listening skills are essential for successful communication. When you don’t listen, you can miss important information or misunderstand what’s being said.
To be a good listener:
• Recognize that hearing is not necessarily listening. • Be aware of obstacles such as noise and distractions that
make it hard to listen. • Be patient and avoid making assumptions or “rehearsing” when you are
listening. • Listen actively by paying attention and engaging your mind. • Ask clarifying questions as needed to make sure you understand what the
other person is saying. • Paraphrase as needed to let the speaker know you understood the content
and meaning of their message.
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recap
Review Questions
1. Which statement best describes the difference between hearing 1. (b) and listening? (a) Hearing is an active process, while listening is more passive. (b) Listening engages your mind, while hearing is physiological. (c) You cannot stop listening, but you can stop hearing. (d) It is through hearing that you not only receive but understand
someone’s message.
2. If you are not interested in what someone is saying, try to: 2. (d) (a) listen politely and keep your face impassive. (b) interrupt and say, “I’m sorry, but I’m just not interested in this.” (c) find a reason to walk away. (d) understand what’s important or meaningful about it.
3. Which is a good reason to take notes while someone is speaking? 3. (c) (a) You don’t have to make eye contact with the speaker. (b) You look as if you are taking the speaker seriously. (c) The process helps you follow points and identify questions to
ask. (d) You don’t have to pay as much attention because you’ll have the
notes to remind you.
4. To listen actively: 4. (a) (a) paraphrase as needed to let the speaker know he or she has been
heard. (b) give the speaker your opinion, as needed, of what he or she has
said. (c) interrupt as needed to show that you are listening. (d) nod your head briskly, as needed, to indicate that you are pay-
ing attention.
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or email at [email protected].
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5. Which statement is most accurate? 5. (d) (a) If you already know what someone is going to say, you can
think about other things while you are waiting for them to finish speaking.
(b) If it is too noisy to hear a speaker, a good listener tries to look as if he or she is paying attention anyway.
(c) It is rude to ask someone what he or she meant to say, even if you did not understand.
(d) To be a good listener, pay attention to tone of voice and body language as well as the words.