Book Review
SchoolDaze
CLIFFORD & JOYCE PENNER
The
Gift of Sex
A Guide to Sexual Fulfillment
W PUBLISHING GROUP‑
A Division of Thomas Nelson, Inc ruunanoma sNelson.rom
Copyright © 2003 by Clifford and Joyce Penner
All rights reserved. No portion of this book, text or pictures, may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other—except for brief quotation in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.
Published by W Publishing Group, a Division of Thomas Nelson, Inc., P.O. Box 141000, Nashville, Tennessee, 37214.
Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are from the HOLY BIBLE: NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION°. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations noted NASB are from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE°. © Copyright The Lockman Foundation 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, and 1995. Used by permission.
Scripture quotations noted TLB are from The Living Bible, copyright © 1971. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations noted The Message are from The Message: The New Testament in Contemporary English. Copyright © 1993 by Eugene H. Peterson.
Scripture quotations noted KJV are from THE KING JAMES VERSION of the Bible.
The Scripture quotation noted NKJV is from THE NEW KING JAMES VERSION. Copyright © 1979, 1980, 1982, Thomas Nelson, Inc., Publishers.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Penner, Clifford.
The gift of sex / by Clifford and Joyce Penner.
p. cm.
ISBN 0-8499-4415-5 (pbk.)
1. Sex instruction. 2. Sex in marriage. 3. Sex—Religious aspects. 4. Intimacy (Psychology) I. Penner, Joyce. II. Title.
HQ31.P44659 2003
613.9'6—dc21 2003009657
Printed in the United States of America 04 05 06 07 PHX 7 6 5
CONTENTS
Preface vii
1. Is This Book for Me? 1
2. Why All the Confusion? 7
A BIBLICAL PERSPECTIVE
3. Sexuality Is a Gift from God! 19
4. What the Bible Says About Our Sexuality 27
THE PHYSICAL DIMENSION
5. Our Bodies 35
6. Discovering and Sharing Our Bodies 43
7. How Our Bodies Work 63
8. Our Bodies' Sexual Response 70
THE TOTAL EXPERIENCE
9. Getting Interested 93
10. Having Fun 101
11. Initiating 108
12. Meshing Your Worlds 118
13. Pleasuring 124
14. Special Treats That Add Pleasure 138
15. Stimulating 144
16. By Invitation Only 152
17, Letting Go 156
18. Affirmation Time 165
19. Cleaning Up 169
WHEN SEX ISN'T WORKING
20. Why Sexual Problems? 175
21. Differing Sexual Needs 189
22. Never Enough Time 197
vii
Vi CONTENTS
23. You Want to Do What? 204
24. I Don't Love Him Anymore 226
25. Birth Control Gets in the Way 234
26. I'm Not Interested 238
27. Not Enough When You Need It: Erectile Dysfunction 252
28. Too Soon, Too Fast: Premature Ejaculation 268
29. Less Arousal or No Release: Some Women's Frustrations 284
30. Pain Reduces Pleasure 303
31. Pornography and the Internet 311
ENHANCING THE SEXUAL EXPERIENCE
32. Inviting God into the Bedroom 325
33. Build Sexual Passion and Intimacy 328
34. A Plan for Change 334
35. Going for Help 341
36. Questions and Answers 346
37. Final Words 353
Sexual Enhancement Exercises 357
Illustrations 358
Notes 359
References 361
Index 365
vii
PREFACE
We would like to share with you some information about our pilgrimage from a mutual rural Mennonite heritage to where we are today.
Even though we were raised two thousand miles apart, we could have grown up in the same community. The German Mennonite tradition had a strong impact on us in the unique foods we ate, the yearly church festivals, the speaking of the Low German dialect, similar dating patterns, and common values. Those values included a hard work ethic and an expectation of setting and attaining goals, yet a strong pacifistic approach to life, and not just in regard to war. While on the one hand we were taught to push and scramble to get what we could out of life, on the other we were taught to pursue fulfillment of the capacities within us without trampling underfoot those around us. One example of this philosophy occurred when a lawsuit seemed the best business decision but was not pursued because, As Christians we don't sue."
This mind-set about life has affected our sexual lives together. We came to marriage with the expectation that marital and sexual happiness was a goal we could strive for and attain. Yet neither of us would pursue that happiness at the expense of the other. The pacifistic,
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Christian-love style mellowed out the aggressive "go-after-your-goals" approach to life.
Another integral dimension of our Mennonite church and home emphasis was that a personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ was the necessary beginning of a Christian life. Even though there was a legalistic approach to Christian growth, one did not automatically become a Christian by being born into a Christian home or religiously following the legalisms of the church. As a result of this spirit and the strong biblical teaching we received from childhood on, we both made clear decisions at an early age to commit ourselves to Christ and his teachings. The meaning of that commitment has continued to develop in line with our understanding and experience. The going has not always been smooth. There have been and are struggles, doubts, and our own subtle (pacifistic, probably) kinds of rebellion.
What was probably most beneficial to our Christian and emotional development was that our childhood homes were warm, safe, family- and church-centered environments. Growth and achievement were encouraged intellectually, educationally, musically, athletically, socially, biblically, and spiritually; yet, as was typical in that era, sexual awareness and understanding received very limited, if any, encouragement. Our families were not unique in their limited sexual communication and expression; rather, their attitude was typical of the day. So our parents were not remiss in following the standards they had been taught or that were common to their culture.
Given this setting, sexual feelings or sexual behaviors were not discussed openly or freely. There was, however, direct positive instruction about growing up to be a man or a woman. Good feelings were communicated about breast development; buying the first bra was a special event; menstruation was well-prepared for and was experienced as a positive sign of becoming a woman. Shaving, muscular development, and voice change were all welcome signs of emerging manhood.
The conflict was that specific instruction about sexual interaction between men and women was either absent or limited. Instruction
PREFACE xi
PREFACE xi
regarding sexual involvement within marriage was lacking; at the same time the church, with the messages that surrounded us, clearly warned about "keeping oneself pure." Rigid rules were defined for acceptable dating habits. Dating was permissible only with "one of our own kind"—Mennonite—promoting a narrow view of the biblical concept of being "unequally yoked together." Holding hands with a member of the opposite sex was perceived as serious business.
Caressing and making out were obviously unacceptable, and kissing was to occur only with the person you were sure you would marry. In fact, the feeling often came across that if you did weaken and kiss your partner on a date, such action destined your marriage to that person.
The absence of positive sexual teaching, combined with the rigid rules about sexual expression, seemed designed to lead us to believe that sex between a man and a woman was questionable or nonexistent. But neither of us felt that way.
We are not exactly sure why we did not assume this negative stance. Probably the natural peer input that occurred in our rural, extended-family type of communities allowed us to be very free-spirited as young children. At large family gatherings, with cousins of about the same age and of the opposite sex, we had freedom to roam and explore. We played fun games like jumping in the hay in the nude or playing nudist colony in the cornfields. Thus we came to adolescence rather naive but with good feelings about ourselves sexually. But then the struggles of adolescence—the awkward sexual feelings along with the rigid controls on behavior—caused some doubt about ourselves sexually; we experienced a reduction of freedom during the growing-up years.
A beneficial factor was that we went through our broadening or stretching experiences simultaneously. We met during our first year at a mainly Mennonite college. From our similar backgrounds, we came together and learned as we moved away from the rigidity of our history. Together we went through a variety of church and Christian growth experiences that brought us to where we are today.
Probably our most enriching emotional input and education
PREFACE xi
x THE GIFT OF SEX
about sex occurred while we were attending, respectively, a Baptist school of nursing and a Baptist liberal arts college. Through taking a class on preparation for marriage and talking with professors, we received accurate sexual data, along with warm, positive feelings about the lovemaking experience we were anticipating in marriage. It became clear to us, with the help of people we valued as sound Christian believers and mentors, that the sex drives we felt so strongly were God-given, normal, and natural. While behavioral decisions had to be made about how those urges could be handled before marriage, our sexual feelings were positively affirmed with much anticipation of their full enjoyment in marriage.
Is it a good thing to have sexual relations? Certainly—but only within a certain context. Its good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. (1 Cor. 7:1-2 MSG)
Why the sexual part of our marriage started out so positively, we are not certain. Maybe the determination that sex in marriage could be positive was our way of rebelling against our past. Whatever the case, the sexual dimension of our marriage has, for the most part, continued to be very satisfying. This is true even though the level of our knowledge has changed with time and experience. When we look back, we wonder how our initial experiences could have seemed as satisfying as they did, but at the time they were all we knew, and they contributed to our growing intimacy and deepening passion. That is not to say we have been without the times of sexual difficulties typical of any couple wanting enhancement—times of varying interests, a difficult adjustment after a new baby, focusing on performance rather than on enjoyment, or adjusting to interim birth-control measures. But underlying all this, we have enjoyed our sexual relationship and have experienced it as being right for us.
As a result of our positive sexual experience and the questions this
PREFACE xi
raised for us, during our first year of marriage we used our Bible study time to look at what the Bible had to say about sex. We came out convinced that the Bible is a very pro-sex book. We had heard our church's message about the "don't? of sexual behavior outside marriage and, lacking a balancing positive input about sex in marriage, had generalized to the point that we thought the church's message was entirely negative. Our conclusions from this study were probably the beginning of our current emphasis on bringing a positive sexual teaching to the Christian community.
After the issue was settled for us personally, we did little with it until long after we completed our formal education. Joyce received her bachelor of science and master's degrees and then taught nursing at the college level. Cliff finished his seminary and doctoral degrees and then began private practice as a clinical psychologist. Our professional energies were focused on areas such as training lay counselors and dealing with grief, death, and dying.
One day we were asked to teach a class for seminary wives on sexual adjustment in a Christian marriage. In an initial survey of the class members, we discovered much the same confusion about sexual feelings and Christian beliefs that we had experienced. For many, this confusion had led to unfulfilled sexual lives. We took this teaching assignment with no expectation that education would produce change in actual sexual behavior and satisfaction. Assuming that such change would have to come through therapy and counseling on a much more intimate level, we saw the class as a way to help the women define their needs (if there were needs present) and find the desired professional assistance. Much to our surprise, some of the women reported dramatic sexual changes in their marriages. Others were able to enrich already good relationships. These reports demonstrated the ability of such education and communication to produce behavioral change in and of themselves.
The timing was right. Word of what we had to offer spread, and the churches were ready. As a result, we have continued to share our findings and offer enhancement opportunities for couples throughout the United States and in other countries. Some couples receive help
xii THE GIFT OF SEX
for specific problems, others revive the spark that has been lost, and still others identify the need for further treatment. Those who identify the need for additional help may come to our offices, work with one of our associates via telephone or the Internet, or obtain a referral to a counselor or counseling team more convenient to their location.
Early in the history of our sexual adjustment seminars, we realized the need to prepare ourselves further, so we pursued training from the Masters and Johnson Institute and from other experts. This specialized preparation, our personal experience and professional backgrounds, and the fact that we have led as a team are the assets we believe we bring to the individuals, couples, families, and professionals we teach, counsel, and mentor. Our modeling as a husband-wife team and the representation of both the medical and social science fields are essential benefits to those who attend our seminars or visit our office.
Working with individuals in discovering a wholesome sexuality and with couples in finding new and more positive ways of relating sexually has been a most rewarding calling. Whether couples come as a last-ditch effort and find relief after years and years of pain or a newly married couple comes for just a few sessions to work out a minor adjustment issue that will prevent years of pain, the reward is incredible! Sexual retraining is short-term therapy that changes lives and relationships far beyond just functioning in bed.
What have we learned about men and women and sex in marriage after almost thirty years as sexual therapists? Not long ago, our friend and colleague, Dr. Neil Clark Warren, sat us down and asked us, "After all these years as sexual therapists, what have you learned that makes for a great sex life in marriage?" We rambled for a couple of hours, and out of that rambling came some basic premises that you will find throughout this revised The Gift of Sex that were either not present or not as well developed in the original The Gift of Sex.
What we shared with Neil surprised him, surprised us, and will probably surprise you, because our findings go against conventional assumptions about men, women, and sex.
Our most convincing finding is that men make the difference
PREFACE Xiii
when it comes to sex in marriage. Because of the natural differences between men and women, we are convinced that the most vital factor in building intimacy and keeping passion alive in marriage revolves around the role of the man. This is true whether he has a problem, she has a problem, or there is no problem. Men may be saying, "But that doesn't sound fair." It isn't fair, but it is true!
Let's back up. What has become clear in our studies and listening to thousands of couples' sexual stories is that men are simpler than women.
Men are more like a stick-shift Chevy pickup truck. They are reliable and predictable but often not too exciting. Women are more like a Maserati. They are exhilarating when they're running, but they spend a lot of time in the shop for fine-tuning. That is because women function on two tracks: the emotional and the physical. Those two tracks have to be in sync in order for the woman to be interested sexually. Men function on one track: when physically aroused they tend to be ready emotionally.
Men and women are different. Women desire sex and open up sexually when they feel loved by and connected with their husbands; men connect and feel loved through sex. And that is precisely why it usually works best if the man starts the process of sexual change by connecting with his wife. It is the way a man loves his wife like Christ loved the church (Eph. 5).
It goes like this:
The husband loves, adores, and connects with his wife; His adoration allows her to open up sexually; His affirmation ignites her passion; She invites him sexually; He feels validated, so They both end up happy. It's a win, win!
For this formula to work, however, the woman needs to be able to take and to lead sexually. That is her part of the deal. To be able to take in sexual pleasure and receive her husband's affirmation, a
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woman has to believe that she is worthy and that she has a right to be sexual. She has to know that her body was designed not only for reproduction, but also for her sexual pleasure and satisfaction.
When the woman leads with her sexuality, it works. It works because a turned-on woman is usually a turnon to a man; whereas, a turned-on man can be a demand or pressure to a woman. Women can easily feel used; men are more likely to say, "Use me!"
Once the woman accepts her God-given sexuality, she leads, not by control or demand, but by listening to her body's desire, by taking in the good feelings of being touched, and then by inviting him to enjoy her body as she enjoys his.
When this system of the husband loving, adoring, and connecting with his wife and the wife taking in and leading sexually is put into practice, it is the woman who keeps sex interesting! We believe it is the combination of male constancy and ever-changing, complex femininity that keeps sex alive in marriage over a lifetime.
Since the man is never truly satisfied unless the woman is, he has to go her way. When he accepts, understands, respects, and goes with her complexity, he has to shift his natural drives to compete with, conquer, achieve, and score to her process orientation. Ultimately, her way will work best for both of them. Sex will be more interesting, less results-oriented, less pressure-filled, more focused on the total person, and more deeply satisfying long-term.
In addition to what we have learned about men and women in relation to sex in marriage, we have affirmed that passion in marriage will only last if pleasure is the goal. It is not arousal, not intercourse, and not orgasm that are central to a life of intimate, passionate sex in marriage. Those are likely to be the result when pleasure is the focus, but the success of a sexual experience is not measured by goal-oriented responses and actions.
For pleasure to be the "goal," the couple has to accept that slow is better than fast. They need to learn to take time to bring their worlds together and to enjoy each others' bodies, while giving themselves to each other.
We have become deeply convinced that for sex in marriage to
PREFACE xv
bring the joy and fulfillment that God intended, healing from past hurts is a must. For the woman to be able to take and lead, for the man to connect with and affirm his wife, and for both to delight in the pleasure of each other's bodies, healing is a prerequisite. The time, space, and the work of healing from past trauma, such as having been raised in an alcoholic home or having been in a destructive relationship, is a necessity.
And finally, we have learned during these almost thirty years as sex therapists and forty years of marriage that sex is a lot more fin when you work at it!
Our culture promotes spontaneity. Spontaneity works before marriage, early in marriage, outside of marriage, on vacation for some, in the movies, and on the soaps. But intentionality works best in marriage.
For most couples, the anticipation of planned times builds quality; the allotment of those times increases quantity. True passion and great sex don't just happen, but we can make great sex happen in our marriages by being deliberate about what we know works.
So what we've learned as sexual therapists is
· Men make the difference by accepting and getting with the woman's ever-changing complex sexuality;
· Women keep sex interesting by learning to take in sexual pleasure and to set the sexual pace for sex in marriage;
· Both keep passion alive in marriage by focusing on pleasure, enjoying a slow pace, healing from past hurts, and being deliberate about their sexual relationship.
So with our roots still deeply planted in our Mennonite heritage, we have branched out through our broadening church experiences: first within the Baptist community; then in a large Presbyterian church; and now as leaders and pastor in a growing multiethnic, urban, evangelical setting (Lake Avenue Church in Pasadena, CA). Our personal life experiences and our years as therapists, speakers,
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authors, and involved parents and friends have also added extensively to our present views.
We trust that where we are and what we have to offer will reach you at your point of interest and need.
For further information, please contact:
Dr. Clifford and Joyce Penner
200 East Del Mar Blvd., Suite 126 Pasadena, California 91105
Phone: 626-449-2525
Fax: 626-564-1250
E-mail: [email protected] www.passionatecommitment.com
1
1 IS THIS BOOK FOR ME?
With our busy lifestyle there is little time for intimacy between my husband and me. When we do get together, we seem to lack the passion we both enjoyed before our children came along. Sex seems to have become rather petfitnetoly and infrequent. What can we do—what steps can we take—to get some spark back?
As you open this book to read about sex as a gift from God to be affirmed and enjoyed in marriage, you may be asking, "Is this book for me?" If you are a couple interested in learning all you can about the God-given gift of sexuality in order to enhance your sexual experience, this book is for you!
THIS BOOK IS FOR YOU .. .
If You Desire Knowledge and Enrichment
When a young man and a young woman are experiencing the full flush of their love during those months just before marriage, they usually don't talk much about their sexual knowledge or experience. Rather, they hope and expect that the excitement, the joy, the delight they now experience with each other will carry over into
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2 THE GIFT OF SEX
their sexual relationship after marriage. Yet, without knowledge and deliberate preparation like what we offer in our book Getting Your Sex Life Off to a Great Start (Word, 1994), many couples find they have difficulty transferring their premarital passion to their marriage. They have many questions about sex—questions that leave them perplexed. There is no easy, natural place to find the needed information. The Gift of Sex offers answers to your questions and provides information that is practical and will enrich your ongoing sex life as a couple. You will find your sex life will take on new delight as you read this book out loud together.
Our knowledge about sex and about each other is always in the process of discovery. Sex is not learned by observing others. We have not observed anyone else involved in this behavior. We have learned by reading, by talking, and by teaching each other as a couple. We are confident this book will help you in your search for knowledge and enrichment of your sexual life, resulting in the freedom to make your own discoveries in the process of learning.
If You Experience Uncertainty or Stress
and Want to Avoid Sexual Difficulties
You may be unsure of yourself in the sexual act or experience stress about your sexual relationship. Stress or uncertainty does not diminish on its own. In fact, it is likely to increase if you are concerned about how you are functioning. So you may be looking for help to gain more confidence or to reduce stress and help to avoid difficulties.
One young woman was raised in the Midwest in a family that was very hesitant about anything sexual. She was convinced that all sexual feelings and responses were sinful, and so she shut down her own as a way to control her sexual actions until she married and was ready for a full sexual experience. She discovered, along with so many others, that the anxiety and tension about the sexual experience did not go away, and her feelings and responses did not automatically click on at the marriage altar. As she and her new husband began their married life together, she was anxious about how to function sexually, concerned about the various sexual activities, and preoccu‑
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IS THIS BOOK FOR ME? 5
IS THIS BOOK FOR ME? 3
pied with her own lack of responsiveness. As she and her husband read The Gift of Sex together, talked about her hesitancies to be sexual, and applied what they were learning to their sexual experience, she began a process of affirming and releasing her feelings and responses.
If you experience tension or uncertainty about your sexual experience, this book can help you find ways to discover all the potential God intends for you in your married sex life.
if You Brought Sexual Blocks into Your Marriage
You may have specific sexual blocks or habits that hinder your sexual satisfaction. These blocks may impede your sexual activities or interest to the point that your life together is jeopardized. A young seminary student found he was seldom interested in sex even though he was clearly devoted to his wife. Deeply in love with her, he enjoyed every part of their life together but had little interest in any kind of sexual activity. He sought help because he believed that eventually his lack of sexual interest was going to damage the marriage, a concern that was certainly justified. Much in his past led him to this position.
Reading The Gift of Sex helped him gain a better understanding of what he had brought to marriage and gave him the tools he needed to seek help.
Couples raised in the church and living as committed Christians have heard and read many things describing the sanctity of marriage, as well as the beauty of the sexual experience and the concern that it not be misused. Some of these couples may have questions about the appropriateness of enjoying pleasure—enjoying their own bodies—from a biblical and Christian viewpoint. For a couple with this concern, we will point to the Bible's clear message validating sexual pleasure in marriage (see Chapter 4).
If You Are Looking for Newness and Enhancement
Couples whose sexual lives are happy and fulfilled are continually looking for ways to add new joy and delight to their sexual experience. We might compare them to people who are wonderful cooks. They have enough recipes and cooking concepts to keep them
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IS THIS BOOK FOR ME? 5
happy for years to come. Yet they are continually looking for new ways to put meals together, new ways to make sauces or desserts, new ways to enjoy creating delicious flavors. In the same way, couples who are satisfied in their married life, whether they have been married ten years or forty, are often looking for additional input, knowledge, insight, or awareness to add to their already full experience.
If You Want to Spark a "Ho-Hum" Relationship
Many couples do not experience much excitement in their sexual relationship. Even though everything is working well from a technical standpoint, their experiences are boring.
For the couple suffering from a "ho-hum" relationship, reading this book together will add a new spark. It provides suggestions for building an experimental, creative sexual lifestyle in your marriage.
If You Are Looking for Help with Problems
It is possible to have a stable foundation in a relationship and yet face sexual problems. There are many such difficulties: The man may ejaculate too quickly, not be interested, or have difficulty getting or keeping erections. The woman may experience pain, lack of interest, difficulties with arousal, or have problems letting go orgasmically. All such dilemmas get in the way of the sexual experience and usually cause people to pull away from each other as time goes on.
For some readers with technical difficulties, this book provides information that will help you work out problems yourselves; for others, it will help you define the problem so you can seek outside help.
If You Are Making a Last-Ditch Effort
You may be reading this book as a last-ditch effort to find the hope you are so desperately seeking. One couple told us they had purchased The Gift of Sex in an attempt to work things out sexually but failed to read the book. Finally, years later and at their point of despair, they started a process of reading together, talking about what they were reading, and experimenting with some of the suggestions. After twelve years of a good marriage, but a tension-filled
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IS THIS BOOK FOR ME? 5
sex life, they were able to talk about issues related to the shutdown of the wife's sexuality due to childhood abuse. Learning new information and talking about sexual conflicts helped them discover what was required to find the fulfillment they so deeply desired.
This book can provide needed information. It will also guide you through steps that intend to open communication and sharing so a process of mutual discovery and openness may be initiated in your relationship. We are writing for all those who seek to explore and discover together.
The following are three distinctive approaches to a healthy sexual experience that will be found throughout this book:
1. Responsibility with Freedom
We want to promote an attitude or mind-set of individual responsibility. As we see it, one of the biggest difficulties couples experience is that each partner feels responsible for the spouse's sexual satisfaction and fulfillment. This concern has grown somewhat naturally out of the correct emphasis on love, care, concern, and submission to one another. And yet, we have discovered that for many people a major barrier blocking their enjoyment of sex is the pressure or sense of obligation to provide the other with sexual satisfaction. If there are problems, many feel it is their responsibility to "fix" those problems—that it is their fault if the other person is having difficulty. For example, if the man is not able to respond with an erection as he would like, the wife may feel it is her responsibility to produce this response. If the woman is not satisfied, the man may feel it is his fault she is not experiencing release. So the emphasis throughout our writing and teaching is on each spouse's taking responsibility to identify, communicate, and ensure the best conditions for their sexual experiences rather than expecting one's partner to assume that responsibility. Each spouse obviously does his/her best to pleasure and stimulate in a way that is most pleasing. But we cannot be responsible for each other's emotional barriers, nor can we read each other's minds.
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2. Integrated Biblical, Psychological, and Physical Knowledge
Our intention is to combine and integrate what we understand about traditional theology, generally accepted psychology, and physiological discoveries. We are confident that theological and biblical truths are not in conflict with psychological understanding; rather, the latter functions as an endorsement, confirmation, and amplification of the scriptural teaching. It is true that many new and contradictory theories emerge in current theology and popular psychology. But when we go back to the basics of the Bible and to the broadly accepted truths about human behavior and feelings, these do not contradict each other. We examine and describe the physical side of sex because it is important for us to accept and enjoy the full potential God has given us.
3. Embracing Individual Differences Brings Fulfillment
Although there are general principles that can be applied to enhance our sexual functioning as couples, there are also many ways in which each couple is unique. Each person is different—each woman is different from all other women, and each man is different from all other men. A person's feelings are different from day-to-day and even from moment-to-moment. What is satisfying and pleasurable at this moment may not be satisfying and pleasurable at another time. "Easy steps to success" is an approach that creates a sense of failure because couples do not achieve the sexual satisfaction and delights promised.
The search for deeper intimacy and sexual fulfillment must be multifaceted and incorporate the whole person. To focus only on the physical will not help a couple perform more skillfully or experience a more fulfilling response. To function in a physically accurate manner is important. But knowing all about the physical aspects of sex is not the total answer to a satisfying relationship any more than attending to the relational and spiritual without the physical will make the difference. Any time we focus on one dimension of the sexual relationship to the exclusion of the others, we lose something. For communication purposes, we deal with one dimension at a time; but when we bring our biblical understanding, psychological awareness, and physical skill into one total relationship experience, we discover the full joy and satisfaction that can be ours.
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2 WHY ALL THE CONFUSION?
The sexual part of us is simple, yet complex. It is predictable, yet changeable, diverse, unknowable, mysterious, and forever beyond our full understanding. If this sounds confusing and contradictory—it is. We have all come to our present understanding about our sexuality by different routes and through different experiences. We have received messages from many sources: family, school, church, society, friends, college, spouse, experience, and our reading. We gather bits and pieces of information as we go along, often unsure how they fit with what we already know. Sex is a topic that frequently leaves us confused or uncomfortable. Messages often are not spoken directly but rather are implied or inferred. This is not to say that society is quiet on the subject. On the contrary—we are bombarded with sexual innuendos in advertising, sexual assistance in family and women's magazines, sex education in the classroom, sexual guidance in the latest marriage book, and jokes about sex in everyday interactions.
Why, then, the confusion? There seem to be several reasons. Organized, systematic opportunities to learn about sex are limited in any setting—family, church, or school. Every other body of scholastic knowledge is communicated in age-appropriate ways, beginning
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when we are very young. When we teach a child to read we begin with the ABC's, move to short one-syllable words, and then to brief phrases with only one sentence on a page. We gradually add to this until the educated person can read and understand long words in complicated sentences that express elaborate ideas. In contrast, sexual information is often gained mainly by osmosis and disseminated unsystematically.
To get the most out of sex, we recommend you sort through the sexual information and attitudes you have accumulated over the years. Determine the accuracy of the information and the appropriateness of your attitudes, and define your sexual goals.
WHAT YOU BRING WITH YOU FROM YOUR HOME AND FAMILY
You may come from a home in which absolutely no reference was made to anything overtly sexual at any time. As far back as you can remember, even words with a sexual connotation were avoided, disregarded, frowned at, or punished. You may have developed a natural curiosity because the subject was avoided so carefully. Any time you ran across a sexual word or a sexual reference, it held special interest for you. Or whenever you saw a magazine article, an ad on the Internet, or overheard a conversation dealing with sex, it tended to be titillating. At the same time, you may have felt guilty about this response.
On the other hand, the total absence of any reference to sexual material may have had the effect of overprotecting you emotionally, making the sexual part of your life or anyone else's seem unnatural and uncomfortable to you. The restraints on sexual information hindered the normal, natural learning process that would have occurred for you if this had been an open subject. As you grew up, each new step of discovery may have caused a great deal of anxiety, perhaps even avoidance, because of the conditioning you experienced in your home. Eventually you may have learned to accept the "sexual you" as a natural, God-created gift in your mind, but even at this point,
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WHY ALL THE CONFUSION? 15
WHY ALL THE CONFUSION? 9
you may still have emotional barriers to that reality. It may still be hard for you to feel or be sexual.
In contrast to the absence of instruction, you may have come from a home where there was some very positive teaching about the sexual part of you. Yet at the same time you may have found it confusing. That confusion could have arisen from several areas.
You may have been confused because what you heard did not coincide with what you saw. Your mother and/or father provided a confusing model. They told you that sex was a delightful part of adult married life, and yet also communicated a message that said, "This really isn't all that natural and comfortable for us."
It may be that you received a positive message concerning your own body and your own sexuality—but it became confused with the expressions of legitimate concern about saving that sexuality for your marriage partner. The preoccupation with keeping yourself pure may have made all sex seem impure.
You may have come from a situation where parents or others gave you good, clear teaching, but the message was clouded by additional input from older brothers and sisters, cousins, or peers. The double message left you in a confused state.
Perhaps your environment was totally negative. You were raised in a home where the sexual messages were very loud and clear, nothing was hidden—but they were all negative. If you are a woman, you may have been taught that sexual experience is for the man, not for the woman; that it is something to be avoided if at all possible, even in marriage; that there is no enjoyment in it; that the naturally occurring sexual feelings in your body are disgusting, and the best thing to do with this part of your life is to avoid it as much as possible.
A woman raised in a small rural town reported that she had received no instruction regarding male-female sexual interaction until two weeks before she was to be married. At that point her mother took her aside and lovingly and caringly communicated three basic warnings: First, the honeymoon would be awful; second, she should expect to feel very tired; and third, "Don't let him use you."
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If you are a man who was raised in an atmosphere hostile toward sexuality, you may have received messages critical of men who were sexual. Sexual activity was spoken of with disgust and distaste, communicating the idea that you certainly wouldn't want to behave in this way—and that you should not do so as you grew up. You received the message that sexual behavior is abusive toward women and to be avoided.
Or you may have had the good fortune to be raised with good teaching and positive modeling. If that is so, you are probably reading this book for further understanding and enhancement, rather than seeking to undo the effects of your upbringing.
MOTHER AS A MODEL
Modern research has confirmed what has been preached for generations: What we do speaks more loudly than what we say. The mother in the home is clearly a model to both her sons and her daughters. The attitudes she communicates about her body, bodily pleasure, or affectionate gestures from her husband will reveal to her children how she feels about herself as a sexual being. How she answers questions about sex will also shape the child's view. If there is embarrassed silence, sputtering attempts to answer, and finally obtuse responses, again the message is clear: "We don't talk about this. It is uncomfortable for us to have you ask us. You shouldn't be interested anyway."
On the other hand, if children are answered simply, openly, without judgment or guilt, they learn the naturalness of this part of their lives. This is one of the easiest times to teach them the moral standards surrounding all sexual activity. At this time we can begin to plant the seeds of moral responsibility that go hand in hand with the enjoyment of sexual pleasure.
Another important part of the mother's modeling has to do with what she communicates about women and sexuality. Her daughter will learn whether sex is fun and satisfying or a burden to be endured. Is it a male conspiracy to be avoided, a duty to be accepted with grace, an area where the woman has to watch out for herself since
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the man will automatically want to use her? Or is it a source of great fulfillment of her sexual appetite as it expresses the love she feels for her husband? Usually these attitudes are transferred without any direct communication.
A son also learns a great deal about women and sexuality by what he observes in his mother. If he senses in her the same excitement and pleasure he sees in his father, he will not grow up viewing sex as a battleground. Rather, he will learn that sexual interaction is a source of pleasure for both parties.
On the other hand, if mother pulls away even from a kiss on the neck, the son learns that the woman always objects, but the man goes after what he wants anyway.
Every one of us has had a mother or some adult woman as a model. Think about the female model in your life for a moment: What did she communicate to you directly or subtly about women and sexuality? These were the attitudes instilled in you early in life, so it is not surprising that you may still be living in accordance with them even if you no longer totally accept them on an intellectual level.
FATHER AS A MODEL
Most of what we learn from our father about the sexual aspect of life is based on how we see him interact with our mother. If the only time Dad touches Mom is when they're going into the bedroom and closing the door, we learn that habit pattern. We don't understand it at the time, but we have learned that men are interested only in overt, genital sex. On the other hand, if Dad communicates ongoing warmth and interest in Mom, we learn that a man values the personhood of his wife rather than seeing her only as a source of sexual satisfaction.
Father's openness in the expression of his feelings, especially his softer feelings of warmth, care, tenderness, sadness, and hurt, will probably be the example we use in our own understanding of "how men are." As he is able to share the full range of his emotions, he is also able to respond to his wife with the total intensity that makes for a fulfilling sexual life. In homes where the father has difficulty
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with the expression of his emotions, the children often grow up to experience difficulty expressing themselves sexually.
A son, particularly, will model himself after his father. How much did your father feel free to touch and stroke you or other family members? How free was he to express his feelings? How willing was he to admit his mistakes? What kind of care and respect did he show for your mother? Was he tentative and unsure in relation to her, or confident and caring? Were you able to sense that he loved her totally, not just as an object of his sexual release? All these issues are the threads from which your sexual attitudes are woven.
One other area where fathers make a major impact is the influence they have on how their daughters feel about themselves as women. This influence begins at birth but reaches a particularly critical point during the early teen years when the girl is going through puberty. It is during this time that she is becoming a sexual person. If the father can be honestly supportive and affirming through this process, without being seductive or sending put-down messages, he will help his daughter build good feelings about herself as a woman and a sexual being.
Whether we are male or female, there are obviously many ways our father affects how we view ourselves and our partners. In trying to understand what has influenced you, review your father's role in your sexual self-concept.
SOCIETY'S IN PUT
You may have come from a community where all the families were very similar. Thus you and your peers received the same kind of sexual message. If you explored or discovered together, you were doing so outside the limitations of your homes. If your family was less open than the rest of your community, you probably gained a lot of your knowledge about sex from the other children in your world. If your family was more open than most, it would not be surprising if you felt a kind of superioiity, and at the same time a kind of isolation, as a result of being different.
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Other variables may have contributed to your present attitudes and understanding. If there was a big controversy in your community about sex education, this will have left its mark on you. If someone close to your family, either friend or relative, became pregnant out of wedlock and you heard discussions on the situation, you will have picked up some attitudes about sex. If any sensational sexual events happened in your family or community, such as kidnapping, molestation, or rape, these will have affected your view of the whole sexual world. This will be especially true if there was a great deal of excitement or hush-hush conversation about these events.
As you moved into your adolescent years, your dating experiences, reading habits, discussions, and the social customs in your community added more to the already large database of information and misinformation.
If you became involved in activities that were outside the acceptable standard set by your church or society, or a biblical norm, the consequent emotions interfered with your natural development.
THE CHURCH AS AN INFLUENCE
If you were raised in a church setting, the church had its effect on your sexual attitudes. For some the message was at least hesitant if not negative. As one pastor mentioned, "The church has often dealt with sex by having the pastor make his annual visit to the youth group with the challenge to 'keep thyself pure.'" This is an important message for the youth to hear, but by itself it is incomplete.
Until recently, the church has often failed to address issues regarding sexuality. Also, since sex involves intense emotional feelings, many of us experience discomfort around the subject because of our natural modesty. Sex is a private dimension of our lives. The indirect message associated with this sense of privacy has often been that there is something wrong with having a sexual nature.
Much of this negativism has grown from scriptural limits set on sexual behavior. There is no doubt that the Bible has much to say about the misuse of our bodies in unacceptable sexual behavior with
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partners other than one's spouse. But the church's emphasis has not been balanced by the Bible's loud pro-sex message. So we have heard plenty about the sexual rules but little that builds positive attitudes about our God-designed sexuality or sex in marriage.
The church is becoming more and more open about sexuality as it recognizes the severe problems that plague its members. Everyone is exposed to the effects of a rising divorce rate and the unrelenting sexual exposure in the media. Findings by researchers and professionals have helped the church (both pastors and people) face the sexual realities.
Whether you were raised in a church setting where sexual issues were dealt with in a rigid, austere manner, or in one with a more contemporary, understanding approach, the church has influenced who you are today. Some of the messages you have heard may not fit with your own experience or knowledge, and hence they have added to the confusion already present.
EARLY SEXUAL EXPERIENCES
Our adult sexual understanding is greatly shaped not only by our home and social environment, but also by our early sexual experiences. For example, if you had any frightening experience as a child, such as molestation or kidnapping, early introduction into sexual activity, or sexually arousing play, that experience will shape who you are today and will influence not only your sexual knowledge but also your sexual response. If you came from a home where moral values were clearly taught, early sexual involvement probably produced a significant amount of guilt, and that guilt will affect your adult sexual experiences. We find that a person who, during the formative years, engages in sexual activity while feeling guilt will tend to, as an adult, associate the positive feeling of sexual pleasure with conflicting negative guilt feelings.
You may be a person who has learned to feel guilty even though there is nothing specific to feel guilty about. This is sometimes referred to as "inauthentic guilt." You have learned a pattern of responding
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with guilty feelings whenever you experience sexual feelings or arousal. As you read this book, you might look for ways to accept the God-given naturalness of your sexual feelings, feelings of pleasure, and bodily responses.
EARLY MARITAL EXPERIENCE
Your early marital experience also affects your sexual attitudes today. As you became involved with your spouse, habit patterns grew out of the accumulation of the experiences you had together. If these were positive, rewarding experiences, your current sexual self-image will probably be a wholesome one. If, on the other hand, these experiences turned out to be negative because of an unfulfilling process and an unsatisfying conclusion, then you may feel somewhat inadequate, incompetent, or unfulfilled.
The honeymoon is supposed to be that delightful time when two blissful, innocent young lovers discover all the joys and delights of sexual life together. Unfortunately, it does not always turn out that way. We see many couples in sexual therapy who have never recovered from the jarring disappointments of that first experience together. Because so much hope and anticipation went into that long-awaited event, a major letdown occurred when the first sexual experiences were not as satisfying as expected.
If your early marital experiences were disappointing, you may still be suffering their effects. This book can help you sort through those memories and begin to overcome the negative ways they have influenced you.
THE EFFECT OF CHILDREN IN THE HOME
Radical changes take place when children come into your life. Your sexual experience is not exempt from those changes. You must give much attention to the new child or children; you have added fatigue and heavier financial responsibilities. It all takes its toll.
It is not uncommon for women to experience sex differently after
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going through childbirth for the first time. Not only is the vagina altered by the birth experience, it also has a new function (birth), which can bring attitude changes.
Some couples find they never quite recover from the effects of adding children to their family until the last child leaves home. If this is your situation, the chapters ahead offer encouragement and hope.
Remember, where you are today is a result of the accumulation of all the input you have received and all the experiences you have had up to this point. Some of those experiences have impacted you more than others. You may be very aware of your past and how it is affect-. ing you now, or you may tend to disconnect past family or outside influences from your present situation. If you are in the latter category, we encourage you to work actively at reviewing your past. Bring to mind the feelings you had in various situations. You might do so by talking about this with your spouse or writing a sexual autobiography. As you continue to grow, it is our hope that this book will help to further unravel any confusion hindering the embracing of your sexuality.
A BIBLICAL
PERSPECTIVE
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3 SEXUALITY IS A GIFT FROM GOD!
The worlds of theology and sexuality are commonly viewed as being miles apart. People tend to think of themselves as being divided into two parts, body and soul, with the soul being the good part and the body the evil or bad part. We do not agree with this view and hope to present what we see as a more holistic, biblical model.
Although the Bible is not an instruction book for sexual functioning, it gives a clear picture of
· God's value of our individual sexuality and
· His high regard for the sexual relationship in marriage.
Scripture's high view of the human sexual dimension elevates sex as something to be cherished, like a family jewel or heirloom. It is a precious gift to be stored carefully and not allowed to tarnish until it is shared with a special person. However, in society today, sexuality is often treated more like a piece of junk jewelry, something given to a child at age fourteen to be worn to school and later thrown into the bottom of the bike bag.
The Bible speaks about sexuality as a prized gift. It designates sex for marriage because it is within this commitment that the qualities
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of a highly held view of sexuality can be fulfilled. The Bible portrays sex as a symbol of the relationship between God and his people. It puts sex in the context of the deepest commitment one human can make to another: a lifelong commitment to honor, cherish, and be faithful until death. When we accept sex and sexuality as a precious gift from the Creator, it clearly sets us apart from those who misuse it as junk.
In the book of Genesis, the Bible tells how Adam and Eve were "naked and unashamed," experiencing a free, open relationship that had no barriers. Their relationship was not based on power, intimidation, social myths, or cultural control. Later, Scripture refers to Christ as the "last," or new, Adam and teaches that believers bear Christ's image (1 Cot 15:45-50). This makes sex without shame a viable potential for the Christian. Unfortunately, the church has let social culture dictate many distorting images of sexuality. When we can rid ourselves of these limitations and live lives of freedom and openness in marriage, then we can be sexually free and fulfilled.
We hope this biblically based view will become central to your attitude in enjoying your sexual relationship with your spouse. We can affirm our body, including our sexuality, as a God-given gift to be enjoyed as it is used responsibly. Our sexuality is part of our total being—not merely a physical, fleshly, or "evil" part of us. It reflects the image of God in us.
Many of the biblical assumptions found in this book come from Genesis, particularly the creation account.
GOD'S PLAN
Sexual by Creation
Sexuality is part of God's plan of creation. Our maleness and femaleness, our sexuality, is not something added on or part of our sinful natures; it is part of the original perfect creation of mankind. It's in our bones. By implication, then, our sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of, but rather something to enjoy.
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In God's Image
As we see in Genesis 1:27, not only were we made male and female, but that maleness and femaleness are representative of God's image. We don't know exactly how, but in some way our sexuality reflects the image of God.
Genesis 1:26-27 tells us: "Then God said, 'Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.' So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them" (emphasis added).
It is clear from this passage that mankind was created by God in accordance with a particular model or design. That design is described as the "image of God." We should point out that it is not the male alone whom God made in his own image, rather, "male and female he created them." Man and woman, male and female, are created in God's image.
What else can we learn about the meaning of our creation in the image of God? We see that the man and woman, created after the animals, were the only part of creation identified as being in God's image. God's image is something we have and animals don't. So God's image cannot be anything we have in common with the animal world. We have physical bodies, and so do animals, so the body can't be a distinguishing factor. The meaning of God's image is that we are created to be in relationship. That means we have the capacity to be in relationship with God, which the animals do not have, as well as the capacity to have relationships with one another.
Our image, as it reflects God and as it relates to sexuality, includes two dimensions: our sexual functioning and our functioning in relationship as a couple. The first command given to mankind was to "become one." This is a sexual function. The second command involved dominion and choice. These are relationship functions. As we move farther into this passage, the freedom of choice includes the choice of obeying or disobeying God's commands. Therefore, being in the image of God includes higher levels of function than just animalistic sexuality.
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Physical, Emotional, Spiritual
To understand the high view of our sexuality, we must understand the Hebrew view of the human person as an integrated whole. The Hebrews never divided people into body and soul, as did the Greek dualists, or into body, soul, and spirit, as some of us tend to do today. Rather, the Hebrews thought of a person as a unity of the physical, emotional, and spiritual. These various dimensions of a person were closely related and were often used synonymously or interchangeably.
Lovemaking cannot be just physical. That does not mean there is never a time when only physical release is needed, and you provide that for each other. But if there is to be a fulfilled relationship, there must be more to it than meeting physical needs. The total person—intellect, emotions, body, spirit, and will—becomes involved in the process of giving ourselves to each other.
God-Given Sexuality Includes Sexual Intercourse
In the beginning, the perfect, sinless state of man and woman included sexual union, and this, too, was a perfect and beautiful part of God's creation plan—part of our being reflections of him, here on earth.
The two of us grew up with the implicit view that sexual union occurred after man's fall into sin. Yet Genesis 2:24 occurs in the account before any report of sin. It says, "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." The phrase "become one flesh" refers to sexual intercourse. But this means far more than a mere physical meeting of bodies. The Scripture is talking about that mystical union between husband and wife that unites two people as total persons. This becoming one also reflects our being created in his perfect image. Furthermore, "The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame" (v. 25). Apparently there was a completely open relationship between male and female, and there was a completely open relationship between God and man. This honest fellowship continued until Adam and Eve disobeyed God; then sin interrupted both relationships.
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Sexual Oneness Symbolizes the God-Man Relationship
The husband-wife sexual relationship is used throughout Scripture to symbolize the God-man relationship. This imagery begins in Genesis.
Read Genesis 3:7-22. When sin interrupted the communication between man and God, interestingly enough, it also interrupted the communication between man and woman. Notice verse 7 of chapter 3: "Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked." Apparently they became ashamed. "They sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves." One result of the Fall was that mankind lost some of the image of God that had been given them. Adam and Eve no longer had that unashamed, open, perfect relationship with each other as husband and wife. And then an even more interesting thing happened: Adam and Eve hid from. God. They no longer experienced openness with God. They felt the same kind of embarrassment with God that they had demonstrated toward each other.
Now God enters the scene. He comes to deal with Adam and Eve in their disobedience. The first action he takes is to make permanent coverings for their genitals. Have you ever thought about what a strange sequence of events this is? Why, after these two people disobeyed God, would God enter the scene and make loincloths to cover their genitals? Why would those two events be connected? We believe that somehow human sexual organs and their potential are symbolic of the human potential to have a relationship to God.
It would seem that the total way in which two people get involved with each other in a sexual experience—the ecstatic, frantic, intense union that can occur—is a symbol of the way in which we can be intensely involved with God. We most lose ourselves to another person in the sexual experience. We are totally open and vulnerable with each other. God would have us give ourselves to him with the same abandonment.
The concept that sexual union is an example of the way God would like to relate to mankind is further developed throughout the Old Testament.
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God's Bride
Israel is frequently referred to in Scripture as God's bride. In Jeremiah 7:9 and 23:10, the terms "adultery" and "adulterers" are used to describe Israel's sin of worshiping other gods. Ezekiel 16 talks in great detail of how God's grace was demonstrated to unfaithful Jerusalem. It talks in symbolic terms of a lover preparing his bride. The passage refers to bathing, oiling, clothing, adorning her; and yet she becomes an adulterous wife, who takes strangers instead of her husband (v. 32).
The entire book of Hosea is an account of God's relationship with Israel, his bride. This symbolism is used regularly when God is trying to establish a relationship with his chosen people. When God began to make a covenant with his people, he said, "This is how I'm going to relate to you," and then he laid out the conditions. And the conditions included his steadfast love and mercy. God wants to have a loving relationship with his people. This is symbolized in the sexual' relationship. Isaiah 62:5 reads: "As a young man marries a maiden, so will your sons marry you; as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you."
Another interesting fact that confirms the symbolism is evident throughout the Old Testament. The Hebrew word meaning "to know," referring to sexual intercourse, is the same Hebrew word used when the Bible refers to man's "knowing" God. For example, Genesis 4:1 says, "Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain." Jeremiah 24:7 quotes the Lord: "I will give them a heart to know me."
Christ's Bride
We find the most explicit passage showing the symbolism of the church (the body of believers) as Christ's bride in Ephesians 5. It says, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands. . . . For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. . . . As the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave
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himself up for her" (vv. 21-25). The writer, Paul, keeps interweaving the relationship of husband and wife with the relationship of Christ and the church. Then Ephesians 5:31 quotes Genesis 2:24, summarizing leaving mother and father, cleaving, and becoming one flesh.
The whole passage is basically saying that the sexual relationship is what best symbolizes the relationship between Christ and the church. In Revelation 19:6-7, the writer talks about Christ's bride, the church, coming for the celebration, the wedding supper. This is a constant theme throughout Scripture. We have to assume that this symbolism is telling us there is something more to sex than physical release, since our sexual relationship is a model of how we can best understand God's desire to have an intense relationship with us.
Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Christ did not claim his rights but became like us, so we could know him and invite him into our lives.
Solomon is a great model of the husband loving his wife as Christ loved the church. Solomon affirms and connects with the person-hood of his wife. In response, his wife invites adventurous sexual activity. Solomon is effusive in his adoration of his new wife: "How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful!" (Song of Songs 4:1). He describes in detail what he enjoys about her.
In response, she pursues him with passion: "May he kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine" (1:2 NASB). "On my bed night after night I sought him Whom my soul loves" (3:1 NASB). "Come, my beloved, let us go out into the country, let us spend the night in the villages. Let us rise early and go to the vineyards; let us see whether the vine has budded and its blossoms have opened, and whether the pomegranates have bloomed. There I will give you my love" (7:11-12 NASB).
A Mystery
On the full meaning of this symbolism we read: "This is a profound mystery . . ." (Eph. 5:32). When the word mystery is used in the New Testament, we understand it to mean that the purpose of the event or teaching is in the process of being revealed to us. What
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we did not understand at all before, we can, through Christ, grasp with some degree of enlightenment. And someday the same concept will be clearly understood by all believers.
One thing most of us can be fairly sure of is that we do not experience the impact of this symbolism in the process of lovemaking. It's not likely that a sexual experience will trigger great thoughts about our relationship with God. We are much more apt to be intensely aware of our own physical and emotional expressions and sensations.
We do believe that it is in this mystical union of two bodies that body and spirit come closest to a merger. Most of the time we let our minds control us. But in the moment of orgasm we are released from that control. Climax is a "total being" experience; everything about s enters into it. Perhaps this is how the sexual experience represents our relationship to God. In this total, intense fusion of body, emotion, and spirit, we are connecting with what it can be like to be totally one with God. This is, indeed, a mystery. One day we will understand it fully. Meanwhile, we can simply accept and enjoy the truth of it.
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4 WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS ABOUT OUR SEXUALITY
SEXUAL PLEASURE—A BIBLICAL EXPECTATION
Sexual Pleasure Within Marriage
Is Encouraged and Expected
Besides the command to become one and the instruction to be fruitful and fill the earth, with the emphasis on propagating the messianic line, another consistent expectation throughout Scripture is that the sexual experience is for the pleasure of the relationship. Sex is for unity, procreation, and pleasure.
The Bible endorses the concept of sexual pleasure and assumes a healthy passion. The sexual relationship in marriage reflects God's image. Animals, however, have sex in order to reproduce; they don't make love for the fun of it. They mate according to their hormonal cycles. Humans make love for pleasure. In fact, Scripture instructs believers to always be available to their spouses (1 Cot 7:3-5), not just for making babies at the time of the month when that is possible. Therefore, we see sexual pleasure as superseding procreation.
The Song of Songs contains some of the most beautiful and erotic poetry ever written. This book is included in the Bible for our
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benefit. Here are some segments from the New American Standard Bible: "On my bed night after night I sought him whom my soul loves" (3:1). "My beloved is dazzling and ruddy . . . His head is like gold . . . His eyes are like doves . . . His lips are lilies, dripping with liquid myrrh . . . His legs are pillars of alabaster set on pedestals of pure gold . . . and he is wholly desirable" (5:10-16). "How beautiful are your feet in sandals . . . The curves of your hips are like jewels . . . Your belly is like a heap of wheat fenced about with lilies. Your two breasts are like two fawns . . . Your stature is like a palm tree ... I said, 'I will climb the palm tree, I will take hold of its fruit stalks.' Oh, may your breasts be like clusters of the vine . . . Come, my beloved, let us go out into the country" (7:1-11).
These passages obviously don't encourage us to hold back our passionate feelings! Yet many people come to the sexual experience with the feelings: "I can't really let go." "It's not right for me to feel that strongly." "I couldn't face God again." "Nice girls don't behave that way." Yet as we understand God's message, it is his intention for us to enjoy the sexual experience and to let our feelings flow freely. The Song of Songs is loaded with erotic messages of two lovers enjoying each other's bodies fully. Nothing seems to be restricted.
Another affirmation of the biblical expectations of pleasure comes from looking at men and women of faith in the Old Testament. The assumption we arrive at when we look at a number of these Old Testament faith heroes is that human sexuality not only is representative of our relationship with God (which is a high and lofty concept), but is accepted as being an internal part of human nature. One can be a great hero of the faith and still be an intensely passionate person (people recognized for their faith in Hebrews 11 include Abraham, Jacob, David, and even Rahab the harlot).
We learn from this that human beings are accepted by God as beings with a sexual nature. God does not condone disobedience to his standards in the expression of our sexuality; but he does not condemn our sexuality itself, nor does he condemn us for being intensely sexual beings. He recognizes that the sexual part of us is a very powerful element of our being—a forceful drive. We can see the
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power of sexuality in the men and women who were chosen as models of faith. Our human sexuality is not something to be diminished as we become more "spiritual." It is part of us as spiritual, godly persons, and it is good. However, we do need to follow our Lord's instructions for the responsible use of this important part of ourselves. Evil comes from the misuse of sex, not from its mere existence or the pleasure it brings in marriage.
Proverbs 5:18-19 is also interesting: "Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; be exhilarated always with her love" (NASB). The teaching is that our feelings of sexual pleasure are permissible, and we are encouraged to enjoy them. If we are holding back on our sexual experience for religious reasons, that is a cop-out. From a biblical point of view, there is no reason to hold back.
We cannot overemphasize how important it is for Christian couples to understand the Bible's pro-sex message. To the degree that the church has been antisexual and anripleasure, it has failed to be consistent with our understanding of what the Bible has to say about sex within marriage.
MUTUALITY—THE GUIDING PRINCIPLE
The New Testament teaches that the barriers between men and women have been broken down because of Christ. No longer do women and men live by different standards. This teaching is a radical departure from the culture that surrounded the church in Old Testament times. The main view of that day was that women were clearly beneath men.
The New Testament also teaches the basic concept that men and women are equal—not identical, not necessarily the same in roles—but equal in terms of value, ability, and position before God. This concept of equality is important because a myth has been perpetuated within the church, community, and society that assumes a man has sexual rights a woman does not have. We see that mentality as
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The Model: The Man Adores and Affirms
and the Woman Invites
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completely contrary to biblical teaching. The woman has as many rights as the man has, or the man has as few rights as the woman. This is particularly clear in Galatians 3:28: "There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." There are many similar passages.
Ephesians 2:13-22 is extremely relevant. It talks about Christ breaking down the human barriers, making people who were formerly divided and at war with one another into the one household of God. What we take it to mean for our sexual experience is that men and women are equal before God in their right to sexual pleasure.
We are expected to give ourselves to each other in marriage; this is a mutual command, not for wives only. "Let the husband fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband" (1 Cor. 7:3 NASB). Or as the passage reads in the The Message:
The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it's for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it.
Each passage in the New Testament that teaches about the husband-wife sexual relationship either begins or ends with a command for mutuality. Not only are husband and wife equal in God's sight, but they have mutual rights and responsibilities.
Even in Ephesians 5, which deals with submission, the section starts with a command for mutual submission (v. 21). Mutuality in sexual rights and responsibilities is a biblical principle that has made a significant positive impact on many couples' sexual relationship. As a woman accepts the fact that she has the right to have her own needs met, she may begin initiating or become more expressive about what brings her pleasure.
The Model: The Man Adores and Affirms
and the Woman Invites
WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS ABOUT OUR SEXUALITY 32
Love is the new guiding principle for sexual behavior in marriage. This is not to say that love was never a part of Old Testament marriage relationships. Certainly Isaac and Rebekah and many others demonstrated loving, caring relationships. There was concern when a wife was unloved: "When the LORD saw that Leah was not loved, he opened her womb, but Rachel was barren" (Gen. 29:31). However, love was not commanded or expected, because marriage was more of a business deal.
In the New Testament, however, the husband-wife relationship is to depict the kind of love we see Christ lavishing on the church. "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ... In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself" (Eph. 5:25, 28). This was news to the people in New Testament times; love in marriage was not a part of their culture. It is a specifically Christian concept—another one of God's good gifts to his people, along with sex.
Love has to be the guiding principle for deciding what sexual behaviors are right and wrong for a husband and wife. We look to love as our criterion because the New Testament gives us no teaching on how to enjoy each other sexually. There are no "dos and don'ts." Though there are many restrictions regarding the person with whom one may be involved sexually, there are no obvious limitations on how one may enjoy oneself within marriage. Within marriage, we are to freely enjoy each other's bodies as long as the activity is mutually desired, loving, brings us closer together, and does not interfere with our relationship with God.
The Design: Pleasure and Intimacy
The Method of Fulfilling Mutuality in Marriage
that Design:
The Model: The Man Adores and Affirms
and the Woman Invites
-
THE PHYSICAL
DIMENSION
35
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5 OUR BODIES
He never lets me see him. He just quickly slips into the shower after he gets his clothes off
Gary had grown up in a home where there was little openness. Now, even after fifteen years of marriage and two children, he still could not let himself be open with his wife. He was too fat, his penis was too short, and he was simply too embarrassed. He knew his wife enjoyed his body, but he couldn't. This attitude affected his freedom and security and led to problems in their marriage relationship.
BODY IMAGE
How we feel about ourselves affects how we relate to another person, particularly sexually. It has been found that preorgasmic women (those who have not yet experienced orgasm) who feel unworthy and who have difficulty accepting themselves as persons cannot be helped to become orgasmic until they deal with these feelings of low self-worth. When Christ gave the commandment to love your neighbor as yourself, he was spelling out the principle that your feelings about yourself affect your ability to love someone else. His command
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assumes that we love ourselves—and to the degree that we love ourselves we are able to love our neighbors. We have a hard time giving to or caring for someone else if we feel we are not worthy persons and do not have anything to give.
Body image is the part of our self-image that deals with our attitudes about our bodies, especially our bodily appearance. There is a tendency in our culture to be dissatisfied with one's body shape. We all strive for that perfect figure or physique. Women are often concerned that their breasts are too big, too small, too flabby, or too whatever. A man may be concerned with the size of his penis, fearing that a smaller penis is indicative of being less of a man and less likely to be able to satisfy a woman. There are a number of myths to be dispelled to counteract this concern with penis size. One is that it is the duty of the man to satisfy the woman. The second is that this satisfaction is dependent on the size of the man's penis. The truth is that the woman has the organ of accommodation, that is, the vagina changes to accommodate any size penis. Therefore, penis size has little to do with sexual pleasure or satisfaction. We will deal with this more technically in the next chapter.
Another focus of body dissatisfaction for both men and women is one's weight. We are trying to either lose weight or gain weight—or to get our weight properly proportioned. Whatever the specific focus, often our feelings about ourselves, good or bad, are related to how we feel about our bodies.
We have talked about the dissatisfaction we frequently have with our bodies. What about the opposite dilemma? Can you place too much value on positive feelings about your body? If you see yourself as having the perfect figure, you may be in danger of depending on your good feelings about your body for good feelings about yourself in general. In this case, your self-esteem is totally dependent on your appearance. But what happens when illness or injury damages that beautiful body? You will have a hard time continuing to feel good about yourself.
Whether we devalue ourselves because of our appearance or feel worthwhile only because of our appearance, this kind of preoccupa‑
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OUR BODIES 37
tion with our bodies distorts our position as God's creation. We must look inside ourselves for other positive assets. What qualities do you have as a person that make you unique and special? What is your real value as a person, aside from your physical attributes? These are the important questions.
DEVELOPMENT OF BODY IMAGE
How does a person develop his or her body image? There are three factors that affect how we perceive and accept our bodies. These are the sensory experiences we had as children, the feedback we received from significant others as we were growing up, and the models with which we compare ourselves.
First of all, the development of our body image started with the sensory experiences we had as children. This included both internal feelings and external input. Internally, you may have experienced hunger or pain. You did not develop positive feelings about your body because it gave you so much pain or discomfort. It is difficult to do much about reversing the effects of these internal negative experiences, except to understand them.
External sensory experiences are those received from the outside world. The first input that affected us was the kind of touch we received—the tactile stimulus. Was it gentle, warm, comforting, and loving? Were we cared for as babies and growing children? Did we get a positive feeling about touch? The second external sensory input that affects how we value our bodies has to do with the kinesthetic sense—the kind of movement we experienced. This includes how we were rocked, picked up, and played with, whether we were handled gently or roughly, and whether the primary caretakers (usually parents) in our world were secure or insecure in the way they held us.
Another important area of input that affects body image is the verbal feedback received from significant persons in our lives when we are forming opinions about ourselves. Such persons include parents, relatives, and classmates. Sometimes children are teased and thus become self-conscious about aspects of their appearance that
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adults view as attractive. For example, our son tried to cut the curls out of his hair when he was in kindergarten because he was being called "curly head." Freckles can be a similarly disdained feature. "Fatty" or "skinny" are labels that may leave a person with a negative feeling about himself for the rest of his life. Even after "fatties" lose their excess weight, they may still view themselves as fat.
Negative labels can inadvertently be given to children by parents as well. Often we do not give little children credit for their ability to understand what adults are saying. We have heard parents openly discuss the fact that their daughter "just doesn't have it as far as looks are concerned, so we'll really have to work on developing her personality."
Other adults in the child's world may also give feedback that labels the child. More often these will be positive rather than negative, but not always. It is disappointing and amazing to find how easily teachers will label a child.
The daughter of some close family friends, who is a gifted child and an excellent student, was identified as "slow" in front of the rest of her class when she was in first grade. She was a perfectionist and had a creative imagination. This often kept her from completing her work as quickly as the teacher expected her to. Five years later she is still extremely sensitive to_ any suggestion that she is doing a task slowly. Recently, as she was being tucked into bed, she said, "You know, Mom, whenever anyone tells me to hurry or says anything that might mean I'm doing something too slowly, I get this terrible feeling all over me and I see the whole picture of what happened in first grade. It's just as clear as if it were happening right then. Miss Harris had reminded me several times to hurry with my work. She was helping the person in front of me. She looked back at me, and instead of writing I was thinking about what I was going to write next. In front of the whole class she said, 'I know what's the matter with you. You're a daydreamer and you're slow.'"
That example does not have to do with body appearance, but its effect on self-worth is the same.
Our daughter has received a more positive kind of labeling. From infancy on, she has received a considerable amount of feedback
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about her physical attractiveness. She is also aware that she was born breech—feetfirst instead of headfirst. One day, when she was about seven, we were driving along in the car and she said, "Mommy, I have figured out why I am pretty. It's because my face came out last. My feet might not look as good as others because they came out first, and they had all the pressure on them, but my face looks better than others." She had developed her own rationale for feeling set apart from the rest of her world because of excessive positive input about her appearance.
The third major influence on our self-image is the comparison of ourselves to others. The models we choose to compare ourselves with are critical. Cultures vary considerably as to what is defined as attractive. Most cultures have ideal male and female body images. What is your ideal? What has influenced the development of this ideal? Whom have you chosen as models? How do you see yourself in view of this ideal?
RESOLVING BODY IMAGE PROBLEMS
Body image problems occur when there is a large gap between how we view our bodies and what we define as the ideal body. When the way we would like to look is different from the way we think we do look, we will have difficulty accepting ourselves and will probably have difficulty being free with our bodies sexually.
How do we bridge the gap? How can we bring our view of ourselves closer to our ideal?
The first step toward body image enhancement is to examine your view of yourself Is how you see yourself fairly consistent with how others see you? Maybe you are stuck with a childhood label that does not reflect who you really are. Get some honest feedback from your spouse and others close to you—hopefully, positive feedback.
When we were dating, the difference in how Joyce felt about herself and how Cliff viewed her became obvious. Cliff tells the story best: "I had selected Joyce as one of the prettiest girls in the freshman class, and so I pursued dating her. She had a poor image of her
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OUR BODIES 41
physical appearance. She saw herself as skinny, with a long nose and puffy eyes. The rest of her family had lighter complexions than she. So she had the fantasy that she must have been adopted.
"After we had been dating regularly for several months, we ended up in an argument about my feedback regarding what I saw as her beauty. I argued that I could not believe she really did not think she was pretty. I thought she was just fishing for compliments. She was frustrated with me because she didn't believe anyone could think of themselves as attractive. The evening ended with my telling Joyce that if she would go up to her room and look in the mirror, she would know she was beautiful—because all people, when they are by themselves and looking in a mirror, really believe they are good-looking. In her frustration she retorted, 'If you go up and look in the mirror, you will know you're not!"'
We have come a long way since then. We realize that there is a huge range of views people have of themselves. We have a mirror assignment for you that we recommend for married couples in seminars or in therapy. This assignment gives you a structured plan for looking at yourself realistically and getting some honest feedback from your spouse.
EXERCISE 1
Body Image Assignment
Partner #1: Stand in front of a full-length mirror in the nude. Describe your body as honestly as you can to your partner. Start with general feelings about your body as you see it. Then talk about each specific body part, starting with your hair and working down. Talk about how your body feels and looks, ways you wish you were different, what you feel particularly good about. If this is impossible for one of you to do, talk about it! Then modify the experience so it can work for you (for example, cover parts of your body as needed or dim the lights).
Partner #2: Only listen and observe. Listen to both the words and feelings of your spouse as he/she talks. Do not interrupt! When your spouse is finished, feed back to him/her what you have sensed and heard.
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Partner #1: Clarify or expand on what your partner has heard from you.
Partner #2: Fill in any positive messages you can give that will be constructive.
Partner #1: When you feel you have been understood accurately, reverse this process. You be the quiet observer and listen while your spouse describes his/her body.
Another area in which you may need feedback to enhance a realistic acceptance of your body is the sensory dimension. If the touch and movement you received as a child left you feeling uncared for and unaccepted, you are likely to need much more affirmation of your body through touch and holding—even though you may resist it. We hope you have a spouse who is willing and able to fill that need for you. If you are aware of a need for more touching, talk about this with your spouse. Talk about what feels good to you and what would be a comfortable way for your spouse to respond to your feelings.
The second step in bringing your own body view closer to that of your ideal is to determine ways it is possible to change your body. Joyce has become positive about her eyes since she learned to use eye makeup that distracts from her puffy eyelids. There are other ways in which women can learn to use makeup to hide the features they do not like and to accent those they do. Men might grow a mustache or beard or shave these off to vary some aspect of their facial features. Straightening or correcting faulty teeth is important for some people, whereas others accept such variations as part of who they are, something they would not want to change.
Additional ways a person may plan to change his or her body include losing or gaining weight, an exercise program, posture correction, or other body enhancement processes. Plastic surgery is an option when there is serious dissatisfaction with one's body or when there has been a traumatic disfigurement. Successful cosmetic changes can be made to almost any part of the body. We would recommend that you get some professional assistance in evaluating cosmetic surgery as an option before you pursue it as the solution to a body
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image problem. It is usually a big investment financially—and a rather permanent change that may or may not be the answer for your particular dissatisfaction. There may be other emotional barriers that hinder your acceptance of yourself. In such cases, the correction of one body part would only lead to finding dissatisfaction with yourself in other ways.
The third and final suggestion for bringing your ideal closer to your real view is to reevaluate what you're measuring yourself against. What kind of models have you chosen? Are you looking at the extremes held up by the media? How do these "ideal" images compare with the significant and valued people in your life? In other words, are your expectations so far out of reach that you will always feel dissatisfied? If that is the case, we recommend the following procedure: Commit yourself to one other person who will hold you accountable to get rid of the current ideals and to start selecting more realistic body models acceptable and attainable for you. If your new models are people with whom you can talk freely, ask them how they achieved their physical condition.
The struggle to feel good about your body is a process of becoming open with yourself and your spouse. It also includes honesty concerning your feelings about yourself, feeling comfortable being in the nude, caring for your body, and allowing yourself to receive affirmation through touch and verbal feedback from others in your world. A new sense of comfort with and acceptance of your body can bring increased freedom and pleasure to your sexual experience.
In all this, it is crucial to maintain a healthy perspective on where your value as a person is centered. Christ's message is loud and clear: "Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart" (1 Sam. 16:7b). We cannot disregard either part: the part that man looks at—the outside, nor the part God looks at—the heart.
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And God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. (Gen. 1:27 NAss, emphasis added)
OUR BODIES ARE GOD'S WORK
Our bodies—including our sexual anatomy—are God's work. He created us with all our internal and external body parts; all our sexual organs were made by him. "And God saw all that He had made, and behold, it was very good" (Gen. 1:31 NASB).
Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother's womb. I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; you know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all stages of my life were spread out before
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you, the days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day. (Ps. 139:13-16 MSG)
Even our sexual parts are good. They were not added as a result of sin. They were there from the moment of creation and are to be enjoyed and discovered. The entire sexual anatomy is present in a newborn baby. This was affirmed for us when each of our children was born. It was amazing to us that each body part was there. They were like miniature adults in their newborn bodies.
Self-Discovery
It is natural for children to discover their genitals. Even in infancy, during the first year of life, a girl may find her clitoris and enjoy touching it because it feels good. In the same way, the boy finds his penis. These good feelings are God-given. They are natural and normal; they have not been conditioned by a sinful society. Rather, sexual feelings are God's gift to us, just as intellect or other abilities are.
If we accept this premise—that our sexual parts and feelings are of God—then it would follow that, as with any other gift from God, we should become familiar with them and develop them. A child will naturally become familiar with sexual anatomy and feelings if allowed the freedom to do so. Unfortunately, too often this is not the case. Most of us have been brought up to believe that sexual exploration is "bad" or sinful. Without really stopping to think about the biblical teaching regarding our bodies, we automatically impose on our children the negative standards we learned. The constant repetition of the warning to keep yourself pure from sexual play outside marriage tends to affect both childhood and marriage. That is, we do not allow children an innocent touching of their bodies; and we do not allow ourselves the full freedom of sexual pleasure in marriage.
Most children between three and six years of age will engage in self-exploration and discovery activities, as well as "playing doctor," or peer exploration, with children of the same and/or opposite sex. When our daughter was four years old, Joyce walked into her bedroom after her bath. She found Julene sitting on the floor with her
Figure 1: External Female Genitals (Front View)
DISCOVERING AND SHARING OUR BODIES 45
legs spread apart, her head down as she tried to examine her genitals. When she heard Joyce enter the room, she remained in the same position and casually asked, "Mom, what is that hole in my bottom?" Joyce's first tendency was to respond with shock, but Julene's comfortableness made her stop and think. She remembered that just the day before Julene had spent a long time in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to examine and watch the uvula at the back of her throat. There was no difference in the child's intent in discovering her body. She did not think that while looking at her throat was fine, looking at her genitals was shameful.
Joyce got a hand mirror so Julene could see her own genitals better. She sat down with Julene and pointed to the various openings, the lips and the clitoris, and indicated their technical names. Julene's curiosity seemed satisfied, and she ran off to play.
You may be a woman who never felt free to sit down with a mirror and really find out what your genitals look or feel like. For men, this lack of exploration is unlikely, since a man's sexual anatomy is so externally evident. As a woman you may think of your genitals as the "doctor's area'—he's the one who examines you regularly—or maybe as your husband's territory to fondle, but you have never really thought of becoming familiar with your own genitals. You may be more familiar with the map of the world than your own sexual anatomy.
We encourage you to engage freely in a natural discovery of your sexual anatomy. You probably will not have the spontaneous feeling that a young girl would have, but you can think of it as something you missed in the development and understanding of yourself. It is something you need to do to have complete sexual freedom with your body. The more familiar you are with your own and your spouse's sexual anatomy and feelings, the less guessing will be involved in the sexual act. This obviously leads to greater confidence and freedom.
EXERCISE 2
Women: Discovering and Knowing Your Own Genitals Begin with dean hands and body. Using a hand mirror, examine your external genitalia. Become familiar with what is normal for
Figure 1: External Female Genitals (Front View)
47 THE GIFT OF SEX
you. There can be medical benefits from this also. Once you are familiar with yourself, you will be able to notice changes that may need medical attention. You can mention these to your physician long before your next gynecological examination.
When you use the hand mirror to examine your genitals, what you see will look something like Figure 1. The female's external genitals include the labia majora (the outer lips), the labia minora (the inner lips), and the clitoris.
The Labia Majora and Labia Minora
PUBIC MOUND
LABIA MAJORA (OUTER LIPS) "
LABIA MINORA (INNER LIPS)
' SHAFT OF CLITORIS
HOOD OF CLITORIS --GLANS OF CLITORIS
I ),
What you see when you look at your genitals before you open the outer lips (the labia majora) are the mons pubis, the soft part above the clitoris that is covered with pubic hair, and the thick outer lips, the labia majora, which are also partially covered by hair. If you have never given birth to a child, your outer lips probably meet in a closed fashion at the center or midline of your genitals, providing protection for the inner lips, the urinary opening and the vagina. In women who have borne children, it is common to find that the process of childbirth has interrupted the neat fit of the outer lips at the midline. This change in the midline makes a difference in the changes that occur when the outer lips spread apart during sexual arousal (refer to the following chapter, excitement phase).
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DISCOVERING AND SHARING OUR BODIES 49
Figure 1: External Female Genitals (Front View)
DISCOVERING AND SHARING OUR BODIES 48
The Clitoris
With a hand mirror in one hand, use your other hand to spread apart the outer lips to examine the rest of the external genitalia. Look for the clitoris (refer to the previous diagram). Even though the diagram points out the three parts of the clitoris—the glans, the hood, and the shaft—these may be difficult to identify specifically on yourself. The hood that covers the shaft flows down to form the inner lips.
The shaft is a miniature penislike cylinder located under the hood with the glans or head being the only part exposed. Even the glans may not be easy to locate. For some women the glans, or tip, of the clitoris may tend to hide under the hood, and the hood may seem like the point at which the inner lips join.
If you have difficulty visually identifying the clitoris, you may be able to find it by touching the place where you expect it to be. The tip of the clitoris is particularly sensitive to any touch. In fact, rubbing the glans may actually be painful to you. Many women report that the most pleasurable place to receive stimulation is around the clitoris, not directly on it. You may want to touch various points around and on the clitoris, not necessarily for the purpose of stimulation, but to learn where the best feelings occur for you. The discovery of where pleasure points are for you and where you tend to experience pain is crucial to communicate to your husband for the enhancement of your lovemaking. We will talk more about this later.
intense pleasure and pain are closely related in our bodies. Those areas like the clitoris that are loaded with nerve endings are most receptive to pleasure and, for the same reason, most receptive to pain. As pleasure intensifies, susceptibility to pain increases (see graph below).
A 0,, Q 4: > slo
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DISCOVERING AND SHARING OUR BODIES 49
DISCOVERING AND SHARING OUR BODIES 49
Your husband will not automatically be able to differentiate where to apply, how much, and what type of pressure feels good. He does not know this by instinct. If you learn this for yourself, you can show him and even guide his hand to demonstrate the most pleasurable pressure and touch (refer to Exercise 10 in Chapter 13). This can do away with much of his guesswork and add to your pleasure. Self-discovery comes first, before you try to show or demonstrate. Your husband's presence may introduce some level of tension and/or excitement, which may hinder the initial learning that needs to take place.
Before we move on to further self-exploration, we want to say more about the clitoris. This factual data will be particularly important if you think that men are by nature more sexual than women, or that God created men to have more intense sexual feelings than women. Maybe you have underlying feelings that a woman is to be the passive recipient of the man's sexual desire. Women were created with vaginas as a receptacle for the sperm and seminal fluid of the man, you may reason; should this not make the woman a passive receiver of the man's aggression, rather than an active participant?
The presence of the clitoris counters this attitude. The clitoris is the only organ in the human anatomy designed solely for receiving and transmitting sexual stimuli. Physiologically, that is its only function. The woman, not the man, was created with the clitoris. The penis is the equivalent organ for the man, in that it is composed of similar erectile tissue—tissue with spaces that fill with blood and become engorged when stimulated, making the organ larger and firmer. However, the penis serves many other functions. The fact that the clitoris in the woman is unique in its function of receiving and transmitting sexual stimuli is confirmation that God intended women to be intensely sexual beings, not just "vaginas" to receive the man's sexual expression.
This is an important concept to consider. It often affects how couples make love, how a woman feels about herself, and how the man relates to the woman sexually. We feel that the Christian corn‑
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munity has assimilated society's "passive woman vs. aggressive man" mentality, which is sometimes translated into the wife's being submissive and passive in the sexual act. If you hold that view, we challenge you to study the New Testament teachings on sex in marriage (refer to Chapter 3).
The Urinary Meatus
Moving on with your hand-mirror exploration, let's talk about the location of the urinary meatus opening. The urinary meatus is not part of the sexual anatomy per se, but its proximity makes it important to locate. It is found right above the vagina or, for some women, it may actually be in the opening of the vagina. It may look like a little pimple. It is the opening to the urinary tract that leads to the urinary bladder and on to the kidneys. That entire system is sterile. When there is no infection present, it is free of microorganisms. It does not carry germs or transmit diseases.
The other two openings the woman has in the genital and perineal area are the vagina and the rectum. The vagina is the largest opening you see.
Women: Knowing What's Inside
Okay, now that you're familiar with your external genitalia, let's look at your internal sexual organs. Looking at the diagram of the front-view cross section of the internal female reproductive organs (Figure 2), you will see the ovaries, uterus, fallopian tubes, and vagina. The ovaries look like large almonds and are located one on either side of the uterus, below and behind the fallopian tubes. Some of the sex hormones that affect the whole menstrual cycle are produced by the ovaries. Primarily, however, they produce the ova, or eggs, for reproduction. The egg is usually released fourteen days before a woman's menstrual period. It is carried by one of the two fallopian tubes to the uterus, where it is implanted if it becomes fertilized. Or it is discharged from the body with the menstrual flow if it does not become fertilized. This process begins in puberty and ceases during menopause.
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Figure 2: Internal Female Genitalia (Front View)
The Uterus
The uterus, or womb, is a pear-shaped organ located between the urinary bladder and the rectum, as you can see in Figure 3. In its normal position, the uterus is flexed toward the front of the body, pointing forward and slightly upward. If you have been told that you have a "tipped" uterus, this probably means the uterus is retroflexed or flipped back toward the backbone. Less frequently, a tipped uterus may be anteflexed or tipped too much toward the front of the body, putting pressure on the urinary bladder and thus causing the feeling of needing to urinate frequently. A retroflexed uterus is likely to cause momentary, intense pain upon deep thrusting during intercourse. When a woman comes to us complaining of pain during intercourse, we immediately want to know just where she feels this pain and when in the process of intercourse it is felt.
A woman complained that she was not enjoying the sexual experience. She did all she could to avoid her husband's approaches. Though she used to become very aroused, as time passed she was less and less responsive. From further questioning we learned that she was almost completely inactive after entry—because "It hurts!" The pain she was trying to avoid occurred when her husband was highly aroused and thrusting deeply. She confirmed that her physician had
DISCOVERING AND SHARING OUR BODIES 61
DISCOVERING AND SHARING OUR BODIES 52
FALLOPIAN TUBE
"-ANUS
VAGINA O-SPOT
AREA
OVARY
(INNER LABIA LIPS)
Figure 3: Unaroused Internal Female Genitalia (Side View)
told her she had a tipped uterus. By some shifts in positioning and exercising, she learned that this pain can be avoided. She was freed to begin to enjoy the sexual experience without pain (see Chapter 30 for more detail on pain).
The Vagina
In contrast to the urinary system, the vagina does have microorganisms present. The microorganisms present in the vagina are not disease-producing microorganisms (germs). Rather, their function is to ward off infection and to keep the vagina in a healthy state. Therefore, the vagina is considered a clean passageway when there is no infection present.
Some of us have tended to think of our genitals as dirty. That was also probably what we read into the message, "Don't touch." It might also be a response to the important and necessary sanitary practice of washing hands after toileting. It is important for us to note that the need for washing after going to the bathroom is not because of the possibility of the genitals contaminating our hands, but rather because of the rectum. The rectum is highly contaminated. It is loaded with potentially disease-producing microorganisms. When you wipe after toileting, it is important to wipe from front to back, from the urinary meatus to the rectum, to avoid contaminating the
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vagina and the urinary system. If you are a woman who tends to suffer from frequent vaginal or bladder infections, begin to note your wiping habits. You may be carrying disease-producing microorganisms from the rectum to the urinary bladder and vagina.
There are other facts about the vagina that may affect sexual attitudes and habits. In a healthy state, the vagina maintains its own acid-base balance. This is another mechanism that helps to fight off infections and enhances the process of impregnation. Because of these functions of the normal acid balance within the vagina, douching is not recommended unless so directed by a physician.
One more characteristic of the vagina is that it produces lubrication. This lubrication is a normal response that occurs shortly after birth and continues throughout life. It may lessen after menopause, in which case a woman may need to use a lubricant to enhance the comfort of entry. Lubrication is an involuntary response of the body. By that we mean it is something over which you have no control. Lubrication can best be described as beads of perspiration that appear along the walls of the vagina. Lubrication may occur when you are in a relaxed state, with or without any obvious sexual stimulation. For example, adult women lubricate every eighty to ninety minutes while asleep.
Now back to the self-examination of your genitals. To examine the vagina, we would encourage you to use a lubricant. There are many available including Astroglide, Probe, Replens, Intimate Moisture, and Long-Lasting K-Y Jelly. After lubricating your forefinger, insert it into the vagina as far as the second knuckle and slowly follow the wall of the vagina all the way around.
You might think of the opening of the vagina as a clock, with the top of the vagina, the point nearest the clitoris, as the twelve o'clock location. When you follow the wall of the vagina, start at some point on the clock and put varying degrees of pressure on the wall of the vagina with your finger at each point of the clock. As you do this, notice the sensation.
Identify any differences in feeling at the various places within the vagina. For example, identify any areas that are particularly sensitive to touch and seem to trigger either a painful feeling or a pleasurable
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feeling. In this process, some women for whom intercourse has always been painful locate a specific tear or irritation of the vagina wall that needs medical attention to promote healing. Alleviating the pain will enhance the intercourse experience.
Other women have found that a certain area of the vagina is much more responsive to sexual stimulation. This discovery can enhance sexual feelings during intercourse if a position is assumed that places the penis in more direct contact with that area of the vaginal wall. For example, some women find that stimulation at the twelve o'clock, four o'clock, and eight o'clock locations provides the most pleasurable vaginal sensations. Assuming the lateral position, with the top person straddling the legs of the person on the bottom, will allow the penis to provide more intense friction of the four o'clock and eight o'clock areas of the vaginal wall (see diagram, page 62). The woman-on-top position will typically allow the penis to stimulate the G-spot area at twelve o'clock.
EXERCISE 3
PC Muscle Conditioning (Kegel Exercise)
The vagina is the most important anatomical structure for intercourse. It is often referred to as the "organ of accommodation"; that is, the vagina is a muscular passageway very changeable in size. It can tighten or expand to receive any size penis during intercourse. It can even expand to deliver a baby. This ability of the vagina to tighten or expand can be enhanced by exercise, and the same exercise will also increase the vagina's sensitivity to sexual stimulation and its responsiveness. The muscle to be exercised is the pubococcygeus (PC) muscle, which is also used to start and stop urination. Although the exercise should not be done regularly during urination, you can identify the correct muscle by sitting on the toilet with your legs spread apart. Start urinating, then stop urination for about three seconds, then start again. Do this several times before you finish emptying your bladder. If you can do it easily, you probably need to tighten and relax this muscle only about twenty-five times a day to keep it in good condition.
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If this process is very difficult for you, however, it means that the muscle is sloppy and needs a great deal of work. We would recommend that you start with tightening it twenty-five times a day and work up to two hundred times a day. When the muscle is sloppy, it may take a great deal of concentration to tighten and hold for three seconds before relaxing. As it develops better tone, you can do the exercise anywhere at any time, and no one will even know (unless you get a little smile on your face!). It's often helpful to associate tightening the PC muscle with some other daily activity, such as waiting at the grocery checkout counter, stopping at red lights, ironing, washing dishes, taking notes at the board meeting, working at the computer, watching your son's Little League game, or whatever happens to fit your lifestyle.
Experiment with tightening and releasing the PC muscle during an actual intercourse experience as well. This will be particularly helpful if you are not aware of feelings in the vagina after entry. We will give more explicit instruction regarding this particular enhancement exercise when we talk about increasing the responsiveness of the preorgasmic woman.
This concludes the self-discovery exercises for women. If this has been difficult or uncomfortable for you, we would encourage you to repeat the process several times in the future until you have a sense of being at ease with your genitals. If you find that your genitals are distasteful or ugly to you, or this whole exercise seems like something wrong that would be condemned or frowned upon by God, we suggest that before you enter into this self-discovery experience you read the Song of in a modern version or paraphrase such as The Message. Then, as you explore your genitals, thank God for creating each part and for its function in your body. If you found the self-discovery exercise to be comfortable, we would still encourage you to take time to thank God for your genitals, for what you have learned about yourself, and for the good feelings this part of your body brings you.
EXERCISE 4
Men: Knowing Yourself
Now, if you are a man, knowing yourself genitally probably will not be a new or difficult task. Somehow, little boys grow up auto‑
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matically familiar with their genitals—maybe because the male's genitals are so obvious. It is not uncommon for a mother to hear her little two- or three-year-old giggling because he has just discovered it feels good to touch his penis. This type of self-discovery is typical for most boys sometime during their growing-up period. This tends to be true whether or not the home environment has been open to allowing genital exploration. If your home environment condemned touching yourself genitally, you probably have guilt associated with the good feelings. This guilt associated with good feelings in your body may play havoc with your sexual experiences in marriage. You may find yourself having difficulty really enjoying the pleasure of your body even when this is a condoned, expected part of being a husband. Since you learned to associate bodily pleasure with something wrong, you did not automatically associate sexual behavior with marriage after the wedding ceremony.
Whether your self-discovery as a child was positive or guilt-related, you probably are familiar with what it feels like to touch or stimulate your penis and scrotum. You may not, however, be familiar with all the various parts of your genitals and what they are called. You will need this information when you learn, in Chapter 8, how your body responds during a full sexual experience.
The Scrotum and Testes
The scrotum is like a pouch that holds two small, ball-like glands called the testes (see Figure 4). The testes, which you can feel moving around when you press on the scrotum, are the primary sex organs in the male. They are similar in function to the ovaries in the female. The testes produce the sperm that unite with the female egg to begin a new life. In addition to producing the sperm, the testes also produce a portion of the semen or seminal fluid that carries the sperm from the testes through a series of ducts and out through the penis. The seminal fluid containing the sperm is called the ejaculate. The third function of the testes is totally unrelated to the duct system; it is the production of the male hormone testosterone, which is secreted directly into the bloodstream.
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Figure 4: Circumcised External Male Genitals (Side View)
Testosterone. Testosterone is what causes the changes in puberty that transform a boy into a man. These changes begin to evidence themselves about three years after testosterone begins to be produced in the boy's body. The production of testosterone gradually increases from that time until it reaches its peak around twenty years of age. It maintains that peak level of production until forty years of age and then gradually declines. The decrease in testosterone after age forty does not need to affect a man's sexual pleasure or sexual functioning (see the section on aging and impotence in Chapter 27). This hormonal function of the testes is an internal function that is not something you can examine on your body or identify on a diagram.
Sperm. We would like to guide you into becoming more familiar with the first two functions of the testes, the production and secretion of sperm and seminal fluid. Once the sperm and seminal fluid leave the testes, there is a series of ducts through which they travel. This process can be identified on Figure 5. The epididymis begins this duct system. The epididymis is housed within the scrotum and then connects to the seminal ducts, which carry the seminal fluid and sperm to the inside of the body; there the sperm connect with the ejaculatory ducts and pass through the prostate
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gland, which is doughnut-shaped. The prostate gland supplies additional seminal fluid to the ejaculate. The ducts that carry the ejaculate from this point are short tubes that end almost immediately and join the urethra. The urethra is the tube that carries the urine from the urinary bladder out through the penis. Given this whole setup, you can see why swelling of the prostate gland, which can occur in older men, would cause difficulties. This swelling is usually detected when the man begins to experience difficulty urinating or pain upon ejaculation. A vitamin/mineral/herbal supplement is often recommended for men to promote prostate health. Speak with a healthcare professional or check a health-food store for a recommendation.
The Penis
The ejaculatory system, as you can see in the diagram, joins the urinary system and leads into the penis. The penis is the obvious essential organ for sexual intercourse in that it is the means by which the ejaculate is introduced into the female vagina. The penis is composed of erectile tissue. This tissue has a lot of spaces called venous sinuses. When there is sexual arousal, blood rushes to these sinuses, causing the penis to become enlarged, firm, and erect. This makes possible the penis's entry into the vagina.
Figure 5: Unaroused Internal Male Genitalia (Side View)
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The penis has various parts. There is the glans or bulging tip of the penis with the coronal ridge. If a man has not been circumcised, the glans is covered with a loose skin called the foreskin. This can be pulled back from the glans; it is important for the uncircumcised man to pull back the foreskin and wash underneath it during his daily showering to promote cleanliness and to prevent infection. The penis head (glans) of a circumcised man is exposed. The shaft of the penis is the whole cylindrical structure that responds most pleasurably to being stroked. The loose skin around the shaft of the penis forms what looks like a seam down the backside of the penis. This is called the frenulum and for some men is the part of the penis they find most responsive to caressing. You might note if that is the case with you.
Fallacies About Penis Size. Many fallacies regarding men and their sexual anatomy and responsiveness have been perpetuated by locker-room or construction-crew jokes and comparisons. Frequently these relate to penis size. The assumption that the larger a man's penis, the better he will be able to satisfy a woman, just isn't true.
First of all, most women don't gain the majority of their sexual satisfaction from the penis being in the vagina, no matter what size the penis. Women tend to be most responsive to general sensuous caressing of the body and stimulation of the breasts and external genitalia.
Second, the unaroused (flaccid) penis size does not relate proportionately to erect penis size. A small flaccid penis, upon sexual stimulation, enlarges to a greater extent than does a larger flaccid penis. In their erect state there is not much difference in size between one penis and another, even though they may differ significantly in size when they are not aroused.
Third, as we will describe in more detail later in this chapter, the primary contact the penis has with the walls of the vagina during intercourse occurs in the lower one and a half to two inches. During sexual arousal the vagina changes from a collapsed, cylindrical passageway as the inner or upper two-thirds expands and the lower third thickens and tightens due to vasocongestion (blood rushing in to fill up the tissues, similar to a man's erection). This lower third, which is one and a half to two inches into the vagina, becomes highly respon‑
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sive to sexual stimulation and is the only area of contact the vagina has with the penis. In our seminars we often teasingly tell the men that if they have two inches that's all they need to please a woman!
Fourth, just as the length of a man's penis has little or nothing to do with his effectiveness during sexual intercourse, contrary to the many ads on the Internet and radio, neither does the circumference or thickness of his penis have much importance to sexual performance. The woman's PC muscle can tighten so as to completely close the opening of the vagina; therefore, a thin penis can still have firm sensation and pressure on the vagina.
If a woman's PC muscle is sloppy, she may need to keep her legs together to help with the pressure until her exercises have enhanced the quality of that muscle. The muscular nature of the vagina is also such that it can expand to allow the passage of a newborn baby, so there is no need to worry about a penis being too large, either in length or in circumference. If you are a new bride having painful intercourse because of the circumference of your husband's penis, you may need to use dilators to stretch your vaginal muscle.
If you have had concerns about penis size, we trust these facts will reassure you and allay your self-consciousness in the sexual experience. We would encourage the two of you to talk about the facts just presented regarding penis size and sexual functioning. What feelings have each of you had? How have these affected your sexual experience or feelings about yourselves? Affirm each other when you can honestly do that. For example, if you as the woman are hearing for the first time that your husband has had feelings of inadequacy because of his penis, but his penis size has never been a problem for you, reassure him of this fact. Continue to explore these areas of concern with each other.
SHARING YOUR DISCOVERIES WITH EACH OTHER
Many couples have had full sexual experiences with each other for years, but these may have been "quickies" that have occurred at bedtime, in the dark, under the covers, and possibly with nightclothes on. Or even if the sexual experience hasn't been that "covered," there may not be a
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sense of freedom with each other's bodies. For certain, most couples are not very familiar with each other's genitals. Many have the feeling that they would nor want such familiarity—that it would take away the romanticism by removing the mystery. We cast our vote for the removal of that kind of mystery Mystery or unfamiliarity does not enhance the sexual experience. In fact, most couples who have been functioning within a closed sexual relationship soon lose romantic enjoyment of each other and fall into a humdrum, routine sex life.
We have found that the process of becoming familiar with each other's genitals may be an incredibly difficult task for some couples. Yet when this hurdle is conquered, the communication may open up a whole new dimension of freedom and enjoyment with each other that they never have had, or at least have not had for years.
What we would like to guide you through is an "I'll show you mine, if you'll show me yours" kind of sharing time. You might think of it as being very similar to children playing doctor. It is basically a repeat of your self-discovery experiences except that now you are in it together. This may feel awkward. Talk about any uncomfortable feelings before you begin. What fears, concerns, or embarrassments does each of you feel? What could make the experience more comfortable without raking away from the openness? Often, sharing our hesitant feelings with each other makes moving into the exercise less difficult. Once you both have communicated your feelings, read the assignment together. After gathering the necessary equipment (a light, a hand mirror, lubricant, and tissues), you may proceed as outlined below.
EXERCISE 5
Sharing Your Genital Examination
Step 1: Shower or bathe together; suds each other's bodies and enjoy the pleasure of relaxation and of touching each other in that process, not for purposes of arousal.
Step 2: In a private, well-lit room, with the diagram of external male genitalia, identify all the specific parts of the penis and testes. Wife: Join in the exploration by touching the various parts as your husband identifies each. Particularly note the coronal ridge and the
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frenulum or seam on the backside of the penis. After exploring the various parts of the genitals, talk about what kind of touch feels good. Husband: Talk about any stimulation of the genitals your wife has given you in the past that you would like more of and any stimulation and handling of the genitals that have been unpleasant for you. Wife: Talk about ways you enjoy pleasuring his genitals and/or feelings of discomfort you have with male genitals.
Step 3: Wife: Assume a comfortable position with legs spread apart, light focused on genitals, the diagram of external female genitals within view, and hand mirror between legs so the genitals can be seen clearly. Look at how the outer labia come together. Then spread the outer labia and identify the inner labia. Find the clitoris and note how the labia form a hood over the clitoris. See if you can feel the shaft of the clitoris, almost like a hidden, small penis up behind the tip of the clitoris. Touch the tip or glans of the clitoris and then the areas around it, and talk with your husband about what kind of touch feels good and where it feels good. Husband: Join in exploration and touching as is comfortable. Identify the urinary meatus, vaginal opening, and any other points of interest. Wife: Talk about what genital stimulation your husband has given you in the past that felt good, what you would like more of, what touching has been negative, and how stimulation of your genitals might be enhanced.
Step 4: Husband: With closely trimmed nails and the wife's invitation, gently insert your finger into the vagina to the second knuckle. Then gently press on the wall of the vagina. If you think of the opening of the vagina as a clock, start at the twelve o'clock position and then slowly move around the wall of the vagina, pressing or stroking at every hour. Try varying degrees of pressure and types of touch. Wife: Feed back what sensations you note. Particularly be aware of any points of pain or pleasure.
Wife: After this exploration is completed, tighten the PC muscle while your husband's finger is in the vagina. Talk about how that feels to each of you. Husband: Now, with your finger in the vagina and the PC muscle tightened, move your finger just below the inner/upper ridge of the PC muscle to explore the G-spot area (refer
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to Figure 6 on page 73, which shows aroused internal female genitalia). Explore that area with various degrees of pressure and stroking while the wife notes and talks about the sensations she feels in the vagina.
twelve o'clock
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eight o'clock
four o'clock
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Step 5: Talk about the experience: What felt good, what you each learned, what was uncomfortable about it. You may want to spend some time just holding and affirming each other.
This is a clinical learning experience, not for the purpose of arousal. If arousal should occur, it is okay. Enjoy the feelings, but do not focus on the arousal.
23 YOU WANT TO DO WHAT?
WHAT IS APPROPRIATE? COMMON AREAS OF TENSION
Questions of where, when, why, how, with what, which part, how long, and with whom all involve conflicts regarding the appropriateness of sexual activity In this chapter we are not addressing the issue of moral right or wrong but rather the question of what is comfortable between spouses in marriage. We are primarily talking about the emotional and personal acceptability of various kinds of sexual activities rather than about their being right or wrong from a moral or biblical perspective. However, when sexual activities do involve a moral decision, we will look at the biblical view. For those interested in further study of biblical sexual ethics, we suggest the book Sex for Christians by Dr. Lewis B. Smedes.
Traditional vs. Experimental
The question of appropriateness can be thought of in terms of the traditional versus the experimental. Sexual activities that have become accepted over the years as the natural positions, styles, or stimulations—traditional approaches—are often thought to be the "right
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The fifteen minutes works best if you include some time to talk about your day and how you are doing, read a Scripture verse or short devotional followed by a prayer, and then kiss passionately for thirty seconds or more. We are convinced that daily connecting and passionate kissing keep the pilot light on so that it is easier to turn up the flame. One evening per week might be a date night to take more time to pleasure each other without demand. It may be your scheduled quality time together. A half-day or day per month may be a getaway time or a time of loaning children to friends or family and enjoying each other at home.
The weekend per season isn't possible for all couples, but it is a great bonus if you can take that time. So much reserve can be built during extended times together that will carry us through the stressful times.
Making sure you have time together is the responsibility of both partners. It takes forethought, planning, effort, and recommitment. There is no way it will happen automatically. If there is to be time together—you will have to take charge!
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It is amazing how many couples report that their sexual experiences are interrupted by the ring of the doorbell, a telephone call, the cry of a child, or disturbance by a pet. As much as possible, it is necessary to remove all possibilities for distractions. Take the phone off the hook. If you live in an apartment complex where people are forever dropping by, put a "Do not disturb" note over the doorbell. When children are old enough to be safe when unattended, teach your children that there are times when Mom and Dad have to be by themselves without interruption. It is important for children to learn this in terms of respect for parents' wishes. It is even more important that they learn about a husband and a wife and the priority that their time together should have. Rather than shutting them out of your world, you are providing them with a good model on which they might choose to base their married life in the years to come.
We recommend our Formula for Intimacy that follows:
FORMULA FOR INTIMACY
15 minutes per day:
· To connect emotionally—share your thoughts and feelings
· To connect spiritually—read and pray together
· To connect physically—kiss passionately
1 evening per week:
· Date time
· Prep for pleasuring
· Pleasuring
1 day per month:
· Have fun and play together
· Focus on each other
· Find out likes and dislikes
1 weekend per season:
· Time away
· Time at home
· Time together
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service or at the church, there are other people to whom we are responsible, and we have deadlines. If we are involved in some kind of sports activity, there are practices to attend and games to play. The only accountability in the sexual relationship is to each other. Decisions to make this a priority have to come out of desire and the recognition that this is a crucial area of life that needs fulfilling and is not happening without a plan.
With busy lifestyles, sex may be best "by appointment." First-time responses to this idea are often, "But that takes all the excitement and spontaneity out of it." This is usually said by people who have not tried scheduling. The quality of the sexual experience is not based on spontaneity. The quality depends on what happens between two people once they are together, whether they are together by impulse or as the result of scheduling. Normally when people begin to schedule their time together, both the quantity and the quality of their times together improve measurably. Scheduling does not rule out the possibility of spontaneous times together. Scheduling is done only to assure that there will be allotted, quality time for the two to be involved on a regular basis. Spontaneous times together tend to be relatively brief. They tend to satisfy primarily the physical needs rather than meeting all the intimacy, touch, and emotional needs that are addressed in longer scheduled times. Scheduling provides for sharing, extensive touching, enough time for arousal, for repeated arousal and release if that is what is desired, and a time of affirming afterward.
Scheduled time must be planned without a demand for arousal, intercourse, or release. The time allows for all possibilities, but those are not to be preset expectations. Anytime couples approach their time with expectations or demand, those will get in the way of their freedom in that experience. We recommend that couples allow time to talk, to touch, and to kiss. Having connection as the focus reduces much of the pressure they would feel if they came to the experience merely with the intent to have an sexual time together.
One other stipulation necessary to make the sexual relationship a time priority is that the times together must be free of interruptions.
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sexual experience. Often these same men are dozing off to sleep in front of the television by nine-thirty. Yet this is the time when the woman may be ready and interested in sex. What can a couple do about their differing time needs?
SEX: A TIME PRIORITY
If the time issue is going to be resolved for a couple, both spouses must be ready to make a commitment to each other that they are going to make their time together a priority. It is of utmost importance that this decision not be an edict that comes from either the man or the woman; rather, it should evolve from the two of them together. It is easy to make a commitment verbally, but it is another thing entirely to make it work in day-to-day life together. What does the man do at 5:50 P.M. when he has promised to be home by 6:00 P.M., but gets an important long-distance call that is going to take an hour? Does he tell the caller he is not available because he has a commitment? Or does he take the call? It is the same way for the wife. Is she willing to let the work at the office go? Or to let the ironing pile up? Or to have the house in less-than-perfect order? Are they willing to work together in handling the responsibilities of the household in order to have time for each other?
The couple will need to spell out exactly how they are going to make their sexual relationship a priority. Some couples choose to have brief sexual times at home, and then go away for a few days at a time every several weeks for more focused times together. Others find that this leaves them frustrated, or that they are unable to do so because of financial or family limitations. These couples find quality at home. Each couple has to work it out in their own special way.
You might be saying, "Why all this preoccupation with time? If sex is important to a couple, they will get together." That may be true, yet there are many distractions from sex, and there are no outside pressures that pull us toward sex. When we agree to work for a certain company, we're expected to be there so many hours a week or to complete a given project. When we give our time for community
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DIFFERING TIME NEEDS
Couples often have differing time demands. For one couple it was the man, who was in charge of a growing business. He was earning enough money so that his wife didn't have to work outside the home. At the same time that his business was expanding and demanding his time, his wife had more time and energy available for sex. The difference in time demands led to stress, particularly for the wife, who was eager for more sexual activity. The man was just as interested in sex as his wife was, but he was just not available to his wife.
It may be that the woman is loaded with time demands because when she gets off work, she has to come home and cook and clean and care for the family. When he comes home from work, he wants both of them to relax. He's willing to let go of the cooking and cleaning, and he's certainly not willing to spend all his evenings tidying up the house. She feels the responsibility and pressure to do so. Thus this wife's available time to be with her husband is limited, so sex usually occurs when she is most exhausted.
Differing time needs may revolve more around when, rather than how much. "I'm an evening person, and he's a morning person" is often the way this difference is expressed. He wakes up at the crack of dawn and is ready to roar into life. By eight he has been producing for three hours. It may be the woman who is the morning person. We'll never forget the woman who came in at 8:00 A.M. for her therapy appointment; she had already jogged her ten miles for the day. Others come in an hour later, still trying to get their eyes open, but will be going strong until midnight.
There is nothing right or wrong about being a morning or evening person. It only requires attention when who you are doesn't coincide with who your spouse is. Some people are night people. They get going by about seven in the evening, and are then ready to continue until two in the morning. Some men love to wake up in the morning and make love. If the wife happens to be a morning person, there is no problem. Many women complain about husbands who wake them up in the morning to start their day with a
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to deal directly with negative feelings about sex, people may avoid sex by designing their lives so there is seldom enough time. The wife may become a compulsive housekeeper. She may be preoccupied with always having the dishes done immediately after dinner, getting the children's lunches ready for school the next day, setting out their clothes, and making sure that everything is ready for the next morning. By the time she completes her tasks, she is ready for sleep, not play. She may take pride in her reputation as a good homemaker, but when her task preoccupation takes precedence over the couple's time together, then it causes conflict in the relationship.
The man may be at the office until seven or eight o'clock in the evening. He comes home, spends a little time with the kids, has dinner, and is ready to drop off to sleep. Although his focus on his career is laudable, if his outside energies are designed to or inadvertently cause him and his wife to avoid each other sexually, then those distractions from intimacy must be addressed.
In some situations both partners unconsciously collaborate to avoid sex. They design their lives in such a way that they are both overly involved. They never get together sexually because they have found no satisfaction in their previous sexual encounters or they have difficulty with intimacy.
Most often, however, hectic schedules inadvertently crowd out time for sex. Children's activities, civic activities, church and school, sports, education, and entertainment gradually crowd in so that the couple's sexual time together is either nonexistent or has become a quick encounter between two exhausted people at the end of the day.
The matters that take up time are usually good and wholesome activities. Often they have to do with various forms of service. Sometimes they are for personal development. One man always goes to bed at eight because he likes to get up at four in the morning to have an hour of quiet time with God, to study and meditate and pray. This is obviously a worthy commitment, but it still has the effect of causing sexual problems in his marriage.
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As we travel internationally and around the country, talking to various church and educational groups about sexual adjustment, we always have the attendees complete a survey. One of the questions on that survey allows the respondents to check various areas of concern they would like to work on and improve in their sexual relationship. One of those categories has to do with the matter of time. Roughly 75 percent of the thousands of people who have filled out these questionnaires have reported that time is one of the greatest areas of frustration for them in their sex lives. It is difficult to find significant amounts of time to be together; In addition, it is difficult to coordinate the times that are available. Finally, it is difficult to be consistent about time together. This chapter will focus on time—not on how the time is used, but rather on prioritizing time, finding time, and being intentional about spending time together.
DEFINING THE TIME CONFLICT
Overscheduling is the primary reason for time issues. Over‑ scheduling can be used as a way to avoid sex, and it may be an inadvertent response to life's demands. Because it is often difficult
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business or watching sports events on television, the change in lifestyle must be acceptable to both. Radical solutions usually don't work. Moving the television into the garage will produce only frustration and anger rather than greater sexual desire, unless he decides to do so.
In adapting to differing levels of needs, stay open to various sexual options. There are many ways to satisfy sexual needs, and there are many different types of sexual needs. For example, many women report that they do not necessarily need sexual intercourse, but rather are hungry for cuddling and touching. Many men would be willing and happy to be involved in such caring and touching experiences if they knew that this was as far as it needed to go. The same is true of women. Many times they would be willing to participate in an experience if they knew there would be no demand for arousal, response, or intercourse.
When a woman is not needing sex for herself, she may be happy to manually stimulate her husband to the point of release. She may enjoy that process. Many women report that they are willing to satisfy their husbands if they don't feel like pursuing sex for themselves. Similarly, if a man does not feel a sexual need, he may be willing to bring his wife to orgasm if that is her desire.
Finding ways to meet each other's needs without making a demand on the other is the crucial dimension in resolving differences. As with so many other issues, spouses need to discuss their differences, make plans, experiment, and be open to move toward finding fulfillment without demand. Even in the sexual experience, Philippians 2:4-5 can well be used as a guideline: "Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus . . ." (NASB).
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Men tend to measure sexual satisfaction by quantity, whereas women tend to measure it by quality. So when a man rates their sexual relationship, he will tend to think of how often they are together. When the woman discusses her evaluation of their sexual relationship, she will likely be thinking about the quality of their times together. This difference has led to many arguments related to the topic of, "How are we doing sexually?"
The differences between men and women are both the source of greatest conflicts and the basis of the most intense intrigue. Our goal is to help couples make their differences work for them. We teach them to negotiate their differences, embrace their uniqueness, and have fun noting how they differ.
ADJUSTING TO DIFFERENCES
If the couple are going to survive differing levels of sexual need, they must find ways to adjust to those differences. The starting point is communication. Until a couple have clearly defined their differences, there is no way to resolve them. Each spouse must take responsibility for himself and his own feelings. He must express his feelings clearly, rather than criticize his spouse. Openness is crucial. Anything that can be done to reduce defensiveness will help make this kind of discussion more productive. When people feel accused, they become defensive. If they feel that what they are saying is being received and understood and reflected, however, they are likely to be able to continue the exploration (see Chapter 12 on communication).
Once the couple have discussed their differences, they must identify the changes that will enable them to adjust to their differing levels of sexual need. For example, if a man is frustrated because his wife is always too tired, the two of them must work out ways to lessen the fatigue so she can get in touch with her own sexual need. (If the fatigue is just an excuse, a cover-up for the real reason for lack of interest, the plans that are made will be sabotaged. The cover-up will be discovered quickly.) If a woman is frustrated because the man is expending all his energy on weekend softball games or building his
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Men are like the sun. They rise every morning and set every evening. Women are more like the moon. They are different every day but will likely circle back around next month. Women's ever-changing quality can be frustrating to a man. Yet, we are convinced that it is the combination of male constancy and ever-changing, complex femininity that is the key to keeping sex alive in marriage over a lifetime.'
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194 THE GIFT OF SEX
THE DIFFERENCES MAY SEEM LIKE
DIFFERING SEXUAL NEEDS 193
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SHE
1. All he ever wants is sex.
2. He never takes the time to listen to me.
3. Why doesn't he remember what I tell him?
4. He likes the room cold.
5. He'd rather get to bed.
6. He likes to be on time.
7. He loves for me to dress sexy to come to bed. He gets turned on just looking at me.
8. I'd love to sit on the couch and have an evening of just kissing.
9. I'm a night person.
10. l need conflict resolved before having sex.
11. He gets aroused and wants sex if I fondle his genitals.
HE
1. Why wouldn't she want sex?
2. All she ever wants to do is talk.
3. Why is she always changing her mind? She's so fickle.
4. She likes it warm.
5. She takes an hour to prepare for bed.
6. She's willing to be late so she can take time to be gorgeous.
7. She likes me to love her as a person and not make her feei like an object. When I do, it turns her on.
8. Why would she want to kiss, get all turned on, then not have sex?
9. I'm a morning person.
10. Sex is my way of getting close after conflict.
11. She pushes my hand away when I reach for her breasts or genitals.
DIFFERING SEXUAL NEEDS 194
With every discussion of male-female differences, there are excep‑
tions. Some women identify more closely with the generalizations
‑
DIFFERING SEXUAL NEEDS 193
about men, and some men find themselves connecting with emotional needs or traits more likely to be true of women. Yet, the understanding of typical male and female differences is helpful for most couples to minimize conflict and enhance mutual acceptance. That is why each couple must talk about their differences.
What are some commonly identified differences between men and women that affect their sexual relationship?
For women, sex tends to be a total-person experience. Men tend to focus more on the sexual parts.
Women usually need to connect and feel loved to open up sexually, whereas men get interested in sex in response to visual stimuli or being physically stimulated. So when a man comes to bed all ready and anticipating sex but hasn't connected with his wife, she will not respond positively to his approach, and he may feel hurt and rejected. For her, it is not about her love for him; it is about her feeling cherished by him.
Women are just more complex than men. Women function on two tracks, the emotional and the physical, and these have to be in sync in order for a woman to be responsive sexually. Men tend to be ready emotionally when they are ready physically. The physical arousal carries the emotional for most men. It is like men have an on-off switch that is easy to find and figure out. Women have many buttons that have to be finely tuned and adjusted to be able to function well sexually.
Men tend to be more goal-oriented, and women tend to be more into the process of lovemaking. Men focus on arousal and release. Is he able to make hers work? Women focus on pleasure and communication. Women love to be held and caressed; men love to be stimulated and brought to ejaculation. Not that women don't eventually desire arousal and release, but that is a by-product of the process, not the goal.
Women vary more from one woman to another, and the same woman varies more from one experience to another than men do. Men tend to be more predictable than women are. If you've lived together even a week, you will have discovered this difference. As John Gray, in his book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, states:
With every discussion of male-female differences, there are excep‑
tions. Some women identify more closely with the generalizations
‑
192 THE GIFT OF SEX
We are not certain why women tend to shut down when they are unfulfilled sexually and men tend to feel more sexual hunger with lack of fulfillment. Similarly, the longer it is between sexual experiences, the more eager a man is for sex, the more quickly he gets aroused, and the faster he will come to ejaculation. On the contrary, the longer it is between sexual experiences, the less eager the woman is, the longer it takes her to get aroused, and the more difficulty she has building toward orgasm. We are convinced that the 1 Corinthians 7 passage that instructs husbands and wives to come together regularly is a counter to our tendency to go the opposite direction the less frequently we are together.
EMOTIONAL DIFFERENCES
There may be differences in sexual needs and desires due to varying emotional intensities. Some individuals are very low-key, relaxed and easygoing, experiencing little stress or tension. At the same time they feel little intensity. This is the type of person who is seldom angry or excited to any degree. Their experience in life will usually be relatively stress-free, but also relatively excitement-free. Other individuals experience life at a high level of intensity; they move from one intense moment to another. When they are active sexually, they are involved with all of their being and with great intensity. When they are playing a game or cooking a meal or studying the Bible, they do it at a level of involvement that includes their whole being. When you put a person of low intensity together with a person of high intensity, you are likely to experience different levels of sexual need. This obviously can produce tension in a relationship, particularly when the one with a higher need interprets the partner's lower-level need as a lack of love or attraction for him or her.
MALE-FEMALE DIFFERENCES
With every discussion of male-female differences, there are excep‑
tions. Some women identify more closely with the generalizations
‑
DIFFERING SEXUAL NEEDS 191
shopkeeper, nurse, or whatever, energy is diverted toward her vocation and away from sex.
FULFILLMENT DIFFERENCES
Differences in sex drive are determined in part by the level of sexual fulfillment. A woman who never feels sexually fulfilled will have a diminishing awareness of her sexual need. From a logical point of view, this makes good sense. If she is not being satisfied, she will shut down her sexual feelings. Her basic, God-given sexual need is not absent, but the felt need is. Because her need is never satisfied, she is not likely to be able to stay in touch with that need.
Let's consider an analogy: All of us have a need for connection—to be known and loved for who we are. If I go to a church and am alone and isolated, I may go back another time. If, again, I make no connections, my interest may lessen a little bit. I may wonder what's wrong with me and why no one is interested in me. I may go back again in a couple of weeks and if, once again, I am alone, I may decide to try a small group. So I go to a class; and if I still don't get connected, it's likely that my interest in attending that particular church will diminish. This is not to say that my need for connection, my need for fellowship, my need for community has diminished in any way. Rather, I have simply not experienced anything fulfilling in that particular church. In the same way, if a wife never experiences fulfillment in the sexual relationship, regardless of how much she needs it, she will have less awareness of that need.
If a man feels inadequate in the sexual relationship, he is likely to avoid sex with his wife and fulfill his sexual need through self-stimulation. If a man is not being fulfilled, his sexual need is likely to increase. He is always wanting and yet rarely receiving sexual satisfaction. It may seem as though he experiences satisfaction one out of ten times; he is in a state of perpetual hunger, like a person who is rarely able to eat a full meal. He is always hungry, and even when he does have a meal with enough food, he is anxious about the period of hunger to follow.
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was uniquely and wonderfully made. Just as people vary in their need for food or activities or hobbies, people will have a greater or lesser drive for sexual activity. To understand a difference in need, you must consider the normality of such differences. The importance is working with your differences—make them work for you as a couple. Negotiate differences.
ENERGY DIFFERENCES
As a couple move through their years of marriage, the amount of energy they have available for sexual activity changes. Often, during the first years of marriage when they are excited about being together and the newness is still fresh, the energy available for sexual play is boundless, particularly if both spouses are experiencing sexual satisfaction. But then the couple decide to have children. The woman may still be working when she becomes pregnant, and so she is tired. Or she may have uncomfortable pregnancy symptoms. She backs off sexually because of fatigue or discomfort.
Then the child is born, and there is the usual four-to-six-week period of physical recovery before intercourse is advised. But even after this time, the parents are likely to be getting up at night to feed the baby. Mother is adjusting to the changes in her body, to her new role, and to all the extra work and stress, so even for a year or two after the child is born she may not have much energy for sexual activity. By then the second child may be on the way. When we review people's sexual history, they commonly report that the decrease in their sexual activity occurred around the birth of the first or second child.
A man or a woman who is building a business or a career, or even just struggling to make ends meet as the family grows, may have little energy left for sexual activities. Perhaps the man is starting a small business. He leaves early to go over the books, works long hours, comes home tired, and is preoccupied because of various business problems and struggles. He finds that he does not have the energy he once had for sex. The same thing could be true for a woman. If she is trying to build her career as an executive, teacher,
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21 DIFFERING SEXUAL NEEDS
No two people are born the same. No two are raised the same. No two people have had the identical life experience. These three major factors—what we inherit genetically, where and how we are raised, and what we experience—will cause us to come to marriage with different needs and desires in every aspect of life. For some couples, these differences show up immediately upon marriage. More often, though, differing needs take time to surface. The years go by and the marriage moves along from the excitement of the first years to the distractions of child rearing, establishing a home, building a career, and forming a solid financial base. During these years differing needs—including varying sexual needs—emerge and make themselves known.
BASIC DIFFERENCES
To begin with, we must state that there are some very basic differences among normal, healthy people. There is nothing wrong with a person who has a greater or lesser need for sex than his or her spouse. Such a variation is not necessarily the result of life experiences or how one was raised. Our differences reflect that each of us
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THE NEED FOR RISK AND GUILT
The messages of caution and restriction that we received about our sexuality while growing up can lead to an association of sex with risk and guilt. "Sex is good when I'm bad." A couple who became involved sexually before marriage found themselves to be quite responsive to each other. But after marriage, they were much less interested in sexual activity and could not seem to experience the freedom and joy they had felt beforehand. If husband or wife subsequently becomes involved in an affair, they will again find themselves to be very responsive. These people need to experience risk in a guilt-producing situation before they can become aroused and responsive. Often these are people who have been raised with the message that sex is bad. When sex occurs in the context of marriage, the person cannot respond. Yet in the guilt-producing situation, intense sexual feelings surface naturally. When the person is unaware of the internal struggle, the spouse may be blamed for the problem.
When sex isn't working, the bedroom tends to become a sober place. Laughter has to be rediscovered or maybe unleashed for the first time. Understanding the source of the problem may provide some relief but may not correct the issues completely.
Discovering true passion and intimacy in your marriage likely will require specific behavioral changes within a loving, committed relationship. Our book Restoring the Pleasure offers complete step-by-step programs to help couples overcome the most common sexual barriers. In the next chapters we will discuss some typical concerns and offer suggestions for resolution and new discoveries.
These forms of frustrating one's partner are usually subconscious
ways of getting back when direct communication of negative feel‑
‑
WHY SEXUAL PROBLEMS? 187
ings has not seemed possible. Obviously, sabotaging expresses a great deal of hostility and communicates much ambivalence about the sexual experience. The hostility and ambivalence need to be dealt with openly. Sometimes couples can do this themselves, but most commonly they need some help in sorting through their feelings without hurting and distancing each other.
Lack of respect can also be a source of sexual problems. It is difficult to make love with someone you do not respect. Respect may be there at the beginning of the relationship, but then diminishes because your partner does not measure up to your expectations. Lack of respect toward the man will usually have to do with either his competence in his vocation or his integrity and honesty as an individual. Lack of respect to the woman will usually have to do with how she functions in the traditional women's roles of cleaning, cooking, and caring or how she cares for her body.
`A. second-choice mate" is one who was chosen on the rebound. If an individual is actively dating someone and then loses that prospective partner through death, rejection, or other circumstances, he or she may quickly attach to and then marry someone else as a way of soothing the painful emotions. People who do this often find themselves in a state of continual dissatisfaction with their spouses. The person is still attached to the lost love object and has difficulty bonding with the new spouse.
Communication is necessary, both about general relationship issues and about the sexual dimension of the couple's experience. If partners do not share what they need or are lacking in the sexual experience, they will begin to withdraw from one another. As they withdraw, their frustration increases. If communication does not take place, they withdraw further, and the problem continues to perpetuate itself. As we have said so many times, the starting point for resolving any difficulty is always effective communication. The interaction must be gentle, loving, and free of negative messages about the other person. Blasting the other person with all your built-up anger will not build the bridge.
These forms of frustrating one's partner are usually subconscious
ways of getting back when direct communication of negative feel‑
‑
186 THE GIFT OF SEX
to function effectively as sexual partners. Contempt, or total disregard for one's spouse, usually develops gradually and is the result of both partners' participation.
Rejection commonly leads to discord. The discord may arise from a wide variety of events, but it usually has to do with one or both individuals feeling they are not being cared for in a way they experience as loving. This will stimulate anger, hostility, and distance. When these feelings are present, the sexual experience will not be satisfying.
Discord often shows itself in the sabotaging behaviors that couples use to destroy the possibilities of a satisfying sexual experience together. Helen Singer Kaplan, a pioneer sex therapist and researcher, painted the picture well:
He likes her to swing her hips—she lies motionless.
He needs to be made to feel loved and desired—she is tired and "does him a favor."
She likes to move actively—he pins her down.
He is very stimulated by touching her breasts—she feels "ticklish" and cannot bear to have her breasts touched.
She is aroused by having her breasts caressed—he does not want to bother, or implies that her breasts are not attractive.
She likes to talk with him a bit first to relax her before sex—he plunges in wordlessly.
She hates TV—he always watches TV before making love.
She wants and needs clitoral stimulation—he implies his other lovers didn't need that sort of thing.
He likes to experiment—she thinks everything but "straight" missionary position is perverted.
She is very turned on by oral sex—he is disgusted by the odor of women's genitals. . . .
He has his best erection in the morning—she insists on sex at night only.'
WHY SEXUAL PROBLEMS? 186
184 THE GIFT OF SEX
These forms of frustrating one's partner are usually subconscious
ways of getting back when direct communication of negative feel‑
‑
WHY SEXUAL PROBLEMS? 185
tive messages about our sexuality, especially about the wonderfulness of sex in marriage.
Young people who go beyond their predetermined sexual boundaries during premarital activity may, find that as they enter married life and attempt to develop their sexual relationship, thoughts of their early experiences begin flooding in on them. These will cause distraction, sometimes disgust, and often guilt. The person will need to talk through all of the feelings surrounding the premarital activities before he or she can overcome the difficulties caused by those memories. Frequently those men and women find it difficult to feel forgiven. They believe they are forgiven by God and by anyone else they offended in the process, but they do not feel that they are forgiven. It is this lack of feeling forgiven that gets in the way of a full, free sexual experience.
Any traumatic sexual experience for a child, adolescent, or adult will tend to cause turmoil that has long-lasting effects. The victims usually feel that they somehow brought it on themselves, that they bear some guilt. "If only I had" done this or that—then, they believe, the whole thing could have been avoided. These feelings are natural, even though they are usually inaccurate.
Any traumatic experience that involved sexual activity or a sexual response can be the source of a major barrier for an adult. In all instances, it is essential that the opportunity be provided for communication of these events and the feelings aroused by them. For the traumatized person to find relief, this communication must take place with another committed, caring individual. This is one of the ways in which we can minister to each other. For without healing, the consequences of these violations are transferred from one generation to another.
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS
Difficulties in a relationship are bound to show up in bed. Relationship barriers may take many forms. Probably the most obvious is rejection. When one of you detests the other, it is not likely that you are going
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184 THE GIFT OF SEX
WHY SEXUAL PROBLEMS? 184
have been awakened prematurely and inappropriately. These children may determine that they will never behave in this manner, since it is so repulsive to them. Then as they get older, they are repulsed by their own natural, God-given feelings, even when those feelings occur in a completely appropriate and acceptable setting. For example, it is not uncommon for a woman who had a rather flirtatious or promiscuous mother to be very inhibited sexually because she does not want to be like her mother.
Another example is the girl whose older sister becomes pregnant out of wedlock. The little sister may, at a young age, determine that she will never cause her parents that much stress, so she shuts down her ability to respond sexually. Years later, as an adult, she finds it difficult to be responsive to her husband.
Similarly, a boy whose mother behaves seductively with him or overexposes herself to him will likely resist being sexual with a woman, even his wife whom he loves. His negative set toward appropriate open and free sex in marriage is difficult to overcome.
These barriers can be very deep and not easily understood. But as a person works to bring them to the surface and deal with them, he or she can find release from the limitations the barriers have placed on sexual activity and enjoyment.
Early exploratory play with peers can also interfere with an adult's sexual life. Often it is not the experience per se that causes the trauma but rather the reaction of parents when they discover the children in their play. If, for example, two girls at age six are discovered poking around at each other's genitals, the mother has at least two choices. She can inform the girls that it is natural to be curious about their genitals, but God created their genitals with special feelings that are private, so it is important to keep panties on and not to touch each others' genitals. Or she can go into a screaming fit, by which she frightens the children as if they have done a dreadful deed, often traumatizing them regarding their own sexuality. If their natural sexual and bodily curiosity is labeled deviant and perverted, they will carry this view into adulthood. Teaching about sexual boundaries needs to be accompanied by posi‑
WHY SEXUAL PROBLEMS? 184
184 THE GIFT OF SEX
Past traumatic experiences get in the way of sexual freedom. Most
commonly, children who experienced molestation or rape while
WHY SEXUAL PROBLEMS? 183
growing up are very confused about their sexuality. Any time an adult plays with a child's genitals or stirs up the child's sexual feelings, these sexual feelings, which are good feelings, become connected with fear and pain. Conflict and turmoil become associated with sex. Even more confusing is that the molestation or rape is usually performed by a person who is close to the child—father, brother, grandfather, cousin, uncle, neighbor, or family friend. In only a small percentage of cases is the perpetrator a stranger. Molestation creates in the victims a great deal of turmoil about themselves sexually. The conflict is carried over into their adult sexual experience.
The pattern typical of those who were traumatized by childhood sexual abuse begins with heightened awareness of sex as a child or a sense that they are different from other children. Often they feel an intense sense of guilt, as though they were responsible for what happened. As adolescents and young adults, they are very sexual, maybe even promiscuous, but as they approach marriage, or shortly after marriage, they shut down sexually.
To break through the barriers created by the past trauma, they must share their feelings and past experiences with someone who can care and understand. A spouse may be the best person. If you fear your spouse's response, you may first want to share with a pastor, an understanding friend, a counselor, or a physician. You may want to join a group of others who were sexually violated as children. Once you have talked about the experiences, their hold on you will begin to diminish. As long as the past is kept secret and the awful feelings of disgust, embarrassment, guilt, and anger are present, you will not have the freedom to respond in a total and enjoyable way to the sexual experience with your spouse. While you are doing the work of healing, it will be important to avoid sexual activities that trigger flashbacks or aversion for you. The sexual experience needs to be in your control, not something that is done to you.
Similar sexual turmoil occurs for men and women who witnessed promiscuous sexual activity while growing up. If their parents were sexually active in their presence, or if they lived in a neighborhood where they observed open sexual activity, their sexual feelings will
Past traumatic experiences get in the way of sexual freedom. Most
commonly, children who experienced molestation or rape while
182 THE GIFT OF SEX
feelings. Another person may become preoccupied with some of the mundane things in his or her world, such as what to do tomorrow or what didn't get done today. By taking our focus away from bodily enjoyment, we can stop the feelings that occur naturally.
It is important to recognize that natural concerns and nonsexual thoughts may pass through the mind without getting in the way. It is not uncommon, for women, particularly, to think about what they need to put on the grocery list, or something they must remember for their children in nursery school the next day, or a matter they must take care of the next day at work. These thoughts can and do commonly occur without intruding on the sexual experience. They get in the way only if they become a preoccupation rather than a short-lived reflection.
The spectator role blocks sexual feelings and responses. Spectatoring puts us in the role of observer and evaluator rather than participant. Sex is not a spectator sport! Spectatoring will interrupt the sexual experience.
The mental interruption of the natural sexual response perhaps can best be understood by an analogy If we are trying to fall asleep, one of the surest ways to stay awake is to think about falling asleep. All of us have had the experience of feeling sleepy and needing to get to sleep, and then becoming anxious about whether or not we will be able to sleep. We notice ourselves beginning to doze and think, Oh, at last Pm getting sleepy, Bn about to fall asleep. And by the time we've experienced those thoughts, we have moved into the spectator role. We will be wide awake, because the falling-asleep response is involuntary and requires relaxation, not conscious control. Sexual feelings are, likewise, automatic responses that must remain free of conscious control. As soon as we stand back and observe what is happening, whether it be arousal, maintaining an erection, maintaining control, or having an orgasm, these thoughts will get in the way of our sexual freedom.
PAST TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCES
Past traumatic experiences get in the way of sexual freedom. Most
commonly, children who experienced molestation or rape while
WHY SEXUAL PROBLEMS? 181
source of pressure. The man may believe that to please her he must get an erection quickly and hold it as long as possible. The woman may feel she has to hurry to get aroused or have an orgasm in order to please him. Her thoughts will be, I can't take this much time. If there is something she needs for her own satisfaction and arousal, she will think, I can't ask him for that—he wouldn't like it or, I'd be asking too much.
People with an excessive need to please usually grew up having to work diligently for parental approval. Even with hard work, they received little in the way of reward to build their self-worth. These people go through life looking for approval and reinforcement they never received as a child. It is difficult to make the transition from a focus on getting the approval of the spouse to taking responsibility for one's own feelings. Once people realize that assuming such responsibility is the most satisfying way to please their spouse, they can relax and enjoy their sexual feelings.
In sexual therapy we regularly find that it is most difficult for a couple to change their focus from pleasing one another to pursuing pleasure with each other. Often each of them will report that they want the other one to be enjoying himself or herself. This will turn them on. Yet to make the shift from pleasing the partner to enjoying oneself is most difficult. It is difficult because the conditioning has taken place over a long period. The need to please is hard to overcome.
BLOCKED EROTIC FEELINGS
When we block good sexual feelings, we are unable to respond fully. This can happen in two ways. We can stop our feelings by focusing on certain thoughts, or we can get into what is often called the "spectator role."
What do we mean by stopping our sexual feelings with our thoughts? We stop ourselves from feeling natural bodily responses by thinking thoughts that get in the way of those feelings. For example, if we have had past negative sexual experiences, we bring those to mind and stop the erotic feelings. We may distract from sexual feelings by thinking about an argument we had or a negative characteristic of our spouse. Others will use thoughts about God and his judgment on their sexual activity as a way of stopping themselves from experiencing erotic
When we carry the belief that our main function in the sexual experi‑
ence is to please our spouse, the need to please is likely to become a
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180 THE GIFT OF SEX
become aroused when stimulated or failure to be orgasmic after arousal. These experiences tend to be most common for women. Men may experience failure to get an erection or to maintain it, or the fear of ejaculating prematurely, or the fear of not bringing pleasure to their spouse. Any time we enter a sexual experience with fear, our responsiveness will be inhibited. This is a physiological fact. Our nervous system is set up so that we cannot experience fear and enjoyable sexual arousal at the same time. Those responses are mutually exclusive. When we fear failure, that failure tends to be perpetuated by the fear itself. The more I fear, the more likely I am to fail; the more I fail, the more I fear, and I'm into a downward spiral. This fear/failure situation is not a major source of sexual problems, but is a major way in which sexual problems are perpetuated.
Sexual anxiety grows out of the demand for performance. This demand may come from within one's self or from one's spouse. If during the sexual experience we feel pressure to produce a response in our spouses or ourselves, that demand will cause anxiety. A man may tend to place a demand on himself to provide a sexual response for his wife. If that demand becomes predominant, it is likely to reduce the pleasure of the experience. The woman may also feel a demand on herself to respond, to become aroused, to lubricate, to have nipple erection, and to experience intense erotic feelings. As that demand is felt, it is likely to inhibit rather than help the feelings. The woman may also feel a demand to have an orgasm, to prove to her husband that he is a good lover as well as to affirm that her body is working. With this demand the anxiety increases, making any response unlikely.
The man may also feel a demand for his performance. He may feel he must immediately get an erection and keep it. When this anxiety is present, he certainly will not be relaxed. Yet relaxation is a necessary prerequisite for the erection. As with the fear of failure, demand for performance fosters anxiety. When we are anxious, we cannot respond.
THE NEED TO PLEASE
WHY SEXUAL PROBLEMS? 180
When we carry the belief that our main function in the sexual experi‑
ence is to please our spouse, the need to please is likely to become a
‑
WHY SEXUAL PROBLEMS? 179
Current anger, on the other hand, is often the result of stress between spouses. The woman may be trying to be a submissive wife. Instead of being mutually submissive, the husband takes on the dominant role in such a way that the woman continually ends up feeling like a doormat. When this is the case, it is likely that anger and resentment will build. The resentment may not be entirely conscious, but is likely to evidence itself in the most intimate areas of the relationship. The woman who experiences disregard and provocation is likely to become less and less desirous of sexual activity. The bedroom is one more setting in which she feels violated and disregarded. Since she is the submissive wife, she will not usually express her anger directly, but she will find ways to avoid sexual activity.
Lack of Self-Worth
Lack of self-worth, too, can bring about unconscious avoidance. When we do not feel good about ourselves, whether in terms of our physical appearance, parental responsibility, or our competency as a provider, we may want to avoid being sexually involved. We will not want to put ourselves in a situation where our lack of worth is pointed out one more time. At times, this may manifest itself by unconsciously making oneself unattractive, either by lack of care for the body, by overeating, or by uncleanliness. To be together and responsive sexually requires a significant degree of self-worth. When this is not present, consciously or unconsciously, we are likely to avoid sexual activity.
Since guilt, anger, or the lack of self-worth are unconscious ways of avoiding sex, we naturally will not be aware of them. The way to determine if these are in operation is to observe our behavior. From that behavior, we can determine whether we are needing to avoid sex. It is usually necessary to have some kind of professional help to get at an understanding of anything subconscious or unconscious, since most of us are not equipped to uncover those realities for ourselves.
Sexual Anxiety
Fear of failure is another major source of sexual difficulty. This usually develops after actual experiences of failure, such as the inability to
WHY SEXUAL PROBLEMS? 177
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UNCONSCIOUS AVOIDANCE
Guilt
Some people cannot allow themselves freedom to enjoy sexual activities, even though their heads say that sexual feelings are great! They find themselves cutting off or even sabotaging their sexual response. Sometimes the reason is guilt. Guilt may be genuine, real, and authentic; or it may be false and inauthentic. When we feel guilty about something, it does not necessarily mean we have violated any of God's or society's laws. If we have been taught, for example, that the sexual response is evil and is a part of our earthly, fleshly lusts, then, regardless of the fact that the Bible endorses sex within marriage, we may still feel guilty. This is a form of inauthentic guilt—that is, guilt over an activity that does not violate any standard.
Sometimes we avoid sexual activity because of real guilt. A person who accepts the biblical teaching that sex is to be fulfilled in marriage and then chooses to be active sexually before marriage may carry guilt about that past activity. Guilt also arises as a result of extramarital activity after marriage. Real guilt can inhibit the sexual response and sexual enjoyment in marriage.
Anger
Anger is also a source of unconscious avoidance. Anger has several sources that need to be clearly differentiated. Sometimes anger or bitterness is brought into the relationship through life experiences from the past. And anger or hostility may grow out of the current marriage relationship. The old anger or bitterness present in many relationships has its source in pain and deprivation that occurred in childhood. If, for example, a man was continually put down as a boy by his mother or father for supposed inadequacy or incompetence, was continually stymied in his growth as an individual, or was continually limited in the expression of his feelings, his bitterness or anger may show itself in the marriage relationship. The person might not be aware of this old anger or bitterness, but old scars from the early years can affect the present relationship.
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the extent of his knowledge about himself. He may have no idea about how to enjoy and savor bodily pleasure, so it is crucial that the couple's first year or two of lovemaking be a discovery time. They need to learn as much about themselves and each other as they can.
Another area where many lack knowledge is in an understanding of the sexual process and response. If we do not understand what is happening in our bodies, we often bypass many possibilities for pleasure. For example, if a woman assumes that the woman's desire and response are the same as the man's, then she will wonder why she feels negative when he begins with a focus on her genitals. Yet it is a fact that the woman's sexual response tends to be slower than a man's. She normally needs more general touching, caressing, and conversation rather than just the emphasis on genital-clitoral stimulation. But unless both understand and accept their differences and her need for connection, both will end up frustrated.
Similarly, if a woman is hesitant to let her body respond in the way it was designed to, she will inhibit her natural sexual expression. Many women want to stop the intense breathing that occurs when they become aroused. They are embarrassed about allowing intense sexual expressions. The body movements, the facial grimaces, the groans that occur naturally, will be cut off because they seem unladylike, even though these responses are arousing for most men and necessary for the woman's release. For men, there is often the belief that the man should be able to continue to be restimulated after an ejaculation. This may be possible for 1 or 2 percent of men in their twenties or early thirties, but most men are physically designed to require at least twenty minutes to an hour of rest before they become restimulated.
It is crucial for a couple to understand normal physical responses and to let themselves fully experience these responses. We are often amazed at the transformation that occurs when a couple gain some basic technical knowledge about sexual response. They experience greater freedom, greater relaxation, and greater enjoyment.
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of most sex education, we cannot count on everyone growing up with the same information. If we take, for example, the area of mathematics, most of us go through school and learn first of all, to add and subtract, then to multiply and divide, to do fractions and percentages. Finally, we move on to algebra and geometry. By this time, we have most of the basic concepts of arithmetic we need in order to function in our daily lives. Sexual knowledge, however, is learned mainly in a hit-and-miss fashion. We learn through what we hear from brothers, sisters, and friends, from what we see on television, in the movies, or on the Internet, and from what we read. Some of the information may be accurate, but much of it is not.
Since the sexual experience is so emotionally charged and so often misrepresented in the media, many adults, even well-educated adults, reach the point of readiness for sexual involvement with a dismal lack of knowledge regarding what is normal and natural. Some may not be aware of how to enjoy their partner's body or go after arousal for themselves. Others may not be aware of the acceptability of bodily feelings. Still others shy away from certain natural bodily responses as if they are abnormal. Often, a newly married couple's expectations for sex in marriage will be unrealistic.
Knowledge about one's self and one's partner is often lacking. Many, particularly women, come to the marital situation quite unaware of their own sexual feelings, desires, or needs. Every woman is different. There is no way we can write in a book or declare in a lecture what every woman needs. Some women enjoy rather vigorous physical activity with a lot of clitoral stimulation; others prefer much more general body pleasuring with only light clitoral stimulation. There is no way for a man to come to the marriage bed with a prescription in his hand that will guarantee a pleasurable response from his wife. If she does not know her own body and what is most satisfying for her, then he may feel the demand to determine what brings her pleasure. They are both likely to find the sexual times less satisfying than they ideally could be.
It can be the same way for the man. He may have learned a way of stimulating himself to the point of ejaculation, but that may be
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Our bodies are designed for sexual pleasure, arousal, and response. As we learned early in the book, God's perfect plan for us is to be intense sexual persons and to fulfill our sexual desires with our spouse in marriage. Physically, our sexual functioning is so predictable that it can be measured down to tenths of a second and is the same from one person to another and in the same person from one time to another. Emotionally and relationally, there is a definable process of desire, initiation, meshing, pleasuring, letting go and then entry or entry and then letting go, affirmation, and cleanup.
Yet, the fact is, we keep a full practice as sexual therapists and keep our associates busy as well. The need for sexual therapists is indicative of the fact that, somehow, what was designed to be a delightful, fulfilling part of our marriages is not always experienced as such.
What gets in the way of a satisfying sex life in marriage? Sometimes we may just not get it all together quite right!
LACK OF KNOWLEDGE
You may not know what is normal sexual interaction, or perhaps sex doesn't flow that naturally for you. Because of the haphazard nature
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WORKING
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Johnson's Institute has researched this phenomenon. He reported on this at a workshop and in a personal telephone call to us. A large amount of fluid—approximately one-fourth to one-third of a cup—is expelled from the urinary bladder, but it is not urine. The woman can urinate immediately before a sexual experience. Every drop of urine could be removed from the bladder with a rubber tube called a catheter; nevertheless, if she has an orgasm within even a few minutes of the bladder's being totally empty, she will still expel a fluid from her urethra, the tube that carries urine from the bladder to the outside of the body. This evidently happens in intensely orgasmic women. It is now believed that this fluid may be produced by the Skene's glands, which are located under the urethra.
Even though this release of fluid is experienced by only a small percentage of women, it is definitely not a negative experience. You will probably want to use extra preparation to protect the surface on which you have sex and allow the release. The fluid is clean, warm, and can be positive for both. Some women who experience this fluid expulsion have withheld their orgasmic response because of their embarrassment. They feel as though they have lost bladder control. Getting accurate data and sharing it with each other can free the woman to allow herself to let go orgasmicpfly. It has helped some women to think of letting themselves go with the flow of the fluid. This helps them gain a warm, positive association with their body's responses, rather than tightening up when they feel the urge to release the fluid. For them, this is the body's normal response. It is something to go with, not fight!
The sexual organs, orifices, and discharges are clean. They are free of disease-producing microorganisms. As you are able to integrate the sexual parts of yourself into your total being, you develop positive feelings toward all aspects of your sexual expression, rather than feeling hesitant about bodily secretions. Your positive associations contribute to natural comfort in handling the sexual dimensions of your life.
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turned on by vaginal lubrication. It's a sign of the wife's responsiveness, which many men take as a compliment. Besides, most men get turned on by a turned-on woman. They love it!
An exception to this might be some men who have difficulty even touching the vaginal area. They think of it as messy and do not like messes. Some women have a similar response to the man's ejaculate. To them it is repulsive. They avoid it as if it will contaminate them. These are the exception rather than the norm.
For most women, the ejaculate has a positive, warm, intimate feeling. It is a symbol of the intimacy shared.
Since the usual response is positive, we encourage openness about the discharge. It is clean; it has no germs. There is nothing embarrassing or innately repulsive about it. The result of a beautiful act, it gives life. This is the way God made us and intended us to be.
If it is a turnoff to one of you, that person should talk about it and possibly even get some professional help. Removing that negative barrier from your sexual relationship could open up a whole new world of freedom for the two of you.
HOW TO HANDLE IT
There is really no prescribed, correct, or proper way to take care of the sexual juices. Usually you can start by talking about what, if anything, you would like to do about it. What is comfortable for each of you?
Some couples take a box of tissues to their lovemaking spot. Others like to have a washcloth or towel handy. Some have a special lovemaking sheet or blanket to put under them. Still others feel no need to take care of the discharge. If they make love in bed, the sheets absorb the discharge and that is comfortable for them.
The cleaning-up time can become a pleasant, familiar ritual. The item(s) brought to the experience could be included in the "Something Old" part of setting the atmosphere (see Chapter 14).
WHEN THE "NORM" VARIES
A small percentage of women experience an expulsion of fluid that is not vaginal lubrication. Dr. Robert C. Kolodny of Masters and
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IS THIS NORMAL?
We were teaching our first seminar on Christian Perspectives in Sexual Enjoyment to a younger, newly married group. At our first break a young woman led Joyce off to the side to talk privately. She said she and her husband had been married for three months. After they had intercourse there was always a mess to clean up. She was wondering if that was normal and what other couples did about it. Since that time, it has become a rather common question. We now routinely address the issue of normal excretions and how to handle the cleanup.
How much discharge should you expect? The man's seminal fluid will be about one teaspoonful. Women's vaginal lubrication varies considerably. We really cannot give even an approximate measure. Maybe we can picture it for you. When the man withdraws from the vagina, his penis will usually drip with the secretions. If the woman were to sit up on the sheet and let the discharge run out of her vagina, it would probably soak a spot one to five inches in diameter. This is a combination of her own vaginal lubrication and the seminal fluid that has been deposited if her husband ejaculated while in the vagina.
Is this a turnoff? Should you let your spouse see it? Most men get
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told his wife why he gets up immediately, she is left feeling vulnerable and hurt. She feels that she allowed herself to be vulnerable with him, and he does not even care enough to stay with her; all he wants is his release. Communicating the reason for his hasty departure and making a plan to come back will usually turn this from a painful happening to a building time. Some men experience pain in the penis after release. They need to share this and plan together for him to withdraw, but to stay physically close.
Because of the anatomy of some women's genitals, they have a high susceptibility to bladder infections if they do not get up to urinate and wash right after intercourse. Again, this may be perceived as desertion. Usually the man feels that the woman was dissatisfied with the sexual experience. He then sees himself as inadequate.
Tensions concerning the need for affirmation after release, or after sexual arousal with no release, can usually be resolved if there is open communication in a caring relationship.
The process of affirming can be the most valuable, beautiful part of the total sexual experience. It can be a time of tenderness, of closeness, of having shared something extremely intimate and personal, and of having been out of control with each other. Sexual release is probably the most total expression of one's emotional and spiritual being without mental control. Thus there is a feeling of vulnerabil4 yet with intense caring and intimacy.
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Emotionally, the need for affirmation varies with the degree of trust in each other and security with one's own response. A man may be as emotionally in need of affirmation as a woman. The trust and security issues are usually brought with the person from childhood and past experiences.
The idea that all women need to be caressed after withdrawal of the penis from the vagina is not necessarily accurate. Women may need it more often than men. But when a woman is physically satisfied because she has had one intense release or the number of releases she has desired, she is likely to feel like falling asleep rather quickly herself. On the other hand, if a man is feeling rather unsure of himself and uncertain that he can trust his wife, he may be the one desiring a close, gradual unwinding.
This need can vary from time to time. Some experiences provide more intense release than others, and a person may be more or less vulnerable from time to time. These conditions will affect the person's desire for touch and closeness in each encounter. Thus, each couple needs ongoing communication.
WHAT PROBLEMS INTERFERE?
Tension within the relationship concerning the affirmation time usually has to do with failure to communicate and resolve individual differences.
The common dilemma is the man who falls asleep, leaving the woman needy. We talked about ways to work on that in the previous chapter. Both people's responses are entirely legitimate. Having fully let go of the tension, the man's body is ready to drift off into peaceful sleep. Needing more release, the woman's body is irritable, tense, and wide awake. This is a situation of opposite individual needs in a mutual relationship. Both will have to look at what they can do to resolve the difference.
Other individual needs or differences may arise. Some men have an urgent need to urinate after intercourse. They may jump up quickly after withdrawing from the vagina. If the man has never
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The affirmation time is a time of confirming one another's nakedness. To be naked, open and vulnerable, and not ashamed, is the essence of sexual trust. This was the quality of the man-woman relationship before the Fall. The intense intimacy involved in allowing oneself to totally let go with another person can trigger strong feelings of vulnerability This elicits the need to know that the other person still cares and will not take advantage of the exposure that has occurred.
What meets one person's need for affirmation may be very different from what meets another's need. Talk about your desires with each other. What are your feelings? 'What would each of you like? How might you resolve your differences or meet the needs of both of you?
WHEN IS AFFIRMATION NEEDED?
The need for affirmation depends both on the degree of physical release and on the emotional need. This is true for both men and women.
Physical sexual release has often been compared to a sneeze. That is, there is the full, tingling feeling of blood rushing to the area. This is followed by the good releasing feeling of the "ah-choo." The more intensely a person lets out the sneeze, the more rapidly the relief of the congestion occurs. Similarly, the more intense the orgasm, the more rapid the release of the pelvic congestion. When you stifle a sneeze, you can feel an uncomfortable congestion for some time afterward. The same uncomfortable congestion occurs in the pelvis when you do not allow a complete release.
Since more women have difficulty letting go, and since women have the potential to be restimulated to need further release, women more than men commonly find themselves wakeful after a sexual experience. They either want more stimulation, as we mentioned in the previous chapter, or they want to be held and affirmed. When the pelvis is engorged with blood and fluid due to sexual arousal without total release, there is a feeling of tension and irritability The person will not feel relaxed and ready to fall asleep.
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When he's done he rolls over and is gone. I lie there wanting more contact. I need him to touch me and talk to me. I need to know he loves me. When he falls asleep I feel like he got what he wanted, and I don't matter. First hurt, then I get mad, finally I just cry
The emotional affirmation phase compares to the physical resolution phase. Affirming one another meets emotional needs. Resolution describes what happens to the body as everything reverses itself to the prestimulated state. We dealt with the resolution phase in Chapter 8. Now let's see what is happening emotionally.
After physical and emotional sexual release, both men and women experience a peaceful, relaxed feeling. The more complete the tension release, the more sleepy a person will be and the less he or she will need continued physical touching.
Some people feel their letdown very rapidly. Men report this more commonly than women. There is an intense release and an almost immediate urge to fall asleep. A woman's tension release may occur just as intensely and rapidly as a man's or it may be more gradual. The more gradually the body returns to its prestimulated state (gets rid of its vasocongestion), the more the woman needs touching and affirmation.
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It is the most individual aspect and the part of sex when the partners are least aware of being together. A person becomes totally caught up in his or her own being. It reminds us of soaring. Letting go requires being able to take a risk—to let yourself be totally you in the presence of another person.
We started skiing in our mid-thirties. When we skied downhill for the first time, Joyce's experience was similar to the sensation of an orgasm. "There was one moment that particularly captured that `letting go' experience for me. I was at the top of one big, rolling hill with a flat area below and then an incline beginning another hill. There was a feeling of building excitement as I got my skis parallel and flat, flexed my knees and pushed off with my poles, ready to let my skis take me as fast as the momentum could build on the decline. The ride down was a beautiful, risky feeling of flying through the air, totally letting out all the stops. The flat place felt like soaring across open territory. I had already taken the risk, but there was still more speed to enjoy. The incline felt like the satisfied sigh; I made it and it felt good."
What experiences have you had in life where you have risked, soared, and had the satisfaction of releasing yourself to that situation? Capture these. Enjoy them. And, hopefully, have many such experiences with each other during sex.
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may still want a release. Sometimes manual or oral stimulation may be used to bring about his release. If this is not possible and the pattern continues, professional help is necessary.
If withdrawing to ejaculate is being used as a means of birth control, we would say, forger it. As we mentioned in describing the four phases of the sexual response (Chapter 8), some seminal fluid with sperm will often be secreted before the total ejaculate is expelled. These sperm can impregnate the woman just as easily as the sperm in the remaining ejaculate.
HOW MANY?
What are the possibilities for letting go? Men are usually limited to one release per experience. This is due to their need to have a rest period of at least twenty to thirty minutes (probably more like several hours) before they can become rearoused.
Men who experience release without ejaculation are an exception to this pattern. They report being able to maintain their erections after release and continue lovemaking with repeated releases.
Women are different from most men in this regard. Physically, women have the potential for many orgasms within one event. These may occur in rapid sequence without any relaxation of sexual excitement. They may also occur after a brief letdown followed by more stimulation.
It is important to recognize that although repeated orgasms are a physical potential for women, this should not be the goal. When orgasms become a goal rather than a reflex response, they are less likely to happen.
This same principle applies to couples who desire simultaneous orgasms. By that we mean the husband and wife letting go at the same time. Even though it is a delightful experience if your sexual activity can flow that way, simultaneous orgasms are far from necessary for a fully satisfying sexual relationship. They must remain an exciting option and not become a demanding goal.
Letting go is an important feeling in the whole sexual process.
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greater, yet the lack of emotional satisfaction may relate to the empty feeling connected with a woman's sensation of readiness for entry that we described in Chapter 16. When the outer lips are out of the way and the inner lips are engorged and have formed a funnel into the vagina, many women experience an intense desire to have their husbands inside them, rather than to move to orgasm. Having an orgasm before entry leaves the emotional urge for entry unfulfilled.
Even after intercourse, a woman may want more sexual stimulation, perhaps because her husband does not have control of ejaculation. He cannot remain in the vagina long enough without ejaculating for her to let go of her built-up sexual excitement. This may be true whether or not she has had a previous release. If she had an orgasm before entry and became rearoused during intercourse, she may need to let go again. Or maybe she did not have a release before entry, she could not have one during, and so this is the first time in the experience that she is ready to pursue an orgasm.
For the man who has already ejaculated, the woman's need for continued stimulation after intercourse may be experienced as a demand. He is so relaxed, it is difficult for him to summon the energy to pursue his wife's body. The tendency is for him to fall asleep. This is a natural reaction. If this is a regular conflict for the two of you, talk about it at some time when you are not engaged in sexual activity. Explore all possible ways for the woman to get satisfaction without that being a demand for the man. Maybe learning ejaculatory control is the answer. Maybe she can be fulfilled with her husband's body close to her, his arms around her, and his hand available for her to use to bring herself a release. You might decide that you will take turns having sex his way sometimes and her way other times. Discover your own options to resolve your differences.
It is important to mention that some men experience retarded or inhibited ejaculation. Sometimes this can occur after drinking alcoholic beverages. Or it can happen when a man is very tired. A small percentage of men need a long time to be able to let go. If there has been extended thrusting with the penis in the vagina, the woman may be getting tired and sore so she needs the man to withdraw. He
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for the man. There could be oral-genital contact—the woman sucking or licking the man's penis or the man using his mouth and tongue around the woman's clitoris and into the vagina. There might be a release during general body and/or breast caressing. Or there may be no direct physical stimulation. Some women experience orgasms while reading romance novels. Some men ejaculate in response to visual input. Sometimes men ejaculate and women have orgasms during their sleep. Therefore, letting go before entry has many possible sources of origin.
Letting go after entry with the penis in the vagina has traditionally been accepted as the ideal time. Indeed, many couples prefer this. The woman may enjoy the feeling of the man's penis in her vagina during the contractions of her orgasm. However, when a man insists that both his and his wife's release happen during intercourse, this demand is usually associated with false expectations and concerns about his masculinity. He may believe that a "real man" brings his wife to orgasm during intercourse. But for the woman who has difficulty letting go when the penis is in the vagina, this belief puts incredible pressure on her. It lays on her the responsibility to have an orgasm at a certain time so he can feel good about himself. This is a sure way to prevent her from freely letting go when having intercourse. This is true whether the demand is, in fact, imposed on her from her husband or is felt from within herself.
A question often asked is, "Doesn't an orgasm during intercourse feel different from an orgasm as a result of external stimulation?" We talked about the fact that there is no physical difference between orgasms (see the Vaginal vs. Clitoral Orgasm section in Chapter 8). In terms of what happens to the body, an orgasm is an orgasm. Women do report differences in feeling, however.
Many women talk about an orgasm from external stimulation as being more intense but not as emotionally satisfying. There are possible explanations for each of these differences. As we understand it, the vaginal contractions during an orgasm are more intense when there is no penis in the vagina. The muscle has nothing to restrict its contractions. Therefore, its range of expansion and contraction is
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physical sensations. There are anticipatory tingling sensations that warn the man he is approaching the point of no return. These might be described as pleasurable burning sensations. There is the sense of wanting those feelings to last forever, and yet the urge to rush on with intense thrusting. Along with this, there is a feeling that warmth from the total body is being drawn into the genitals; the sensation becomes primarily genitally centered. As the man moves from this first stage to the second stage, he experiences a momentary sensation of being held in suspension. This is followed by the letting go—the rush of the ejaculation and a warm, flowing feeling inside the penis.
WHEN DOES IT HAPPEN?
Letting go can be allowed during love play before entry, after entry with the penis in the vagina, or after withdrawal of the penis from the vagina. Let us talk about each of these possibilities.
People's responses to release before entry vary. Sometimes both spouses desire it. Perhaps intercourse has become a demand. Entry is associated with many negative feelings. One means of relieving those pressures is for the couple to become comfortable with letting go without entry.
Some women find they are freer to respond before entry. Once entry occurs, they feel more demand. Or they might start to worry that their husbands will ejaculate before they have a chance to let go. These feelings interfere with their natural sexual responses. They soon develop a style of being unable to let go when the penis is in the vagina, so release before entry can be a valuable alternative.
On the other hand, when a man accidentally experiences release before entry, he usually feels like a failure and leaves his partner frustrated. Neither one of them planned for him to "come" that quickly. This is called premature ejaculation. We will deal thoroughly with this dilemma in Chapter 28.
The source of stimulation (the sensory input or knee tap) for the release that occurs before entry can vary. It may be manual stimulation around the clitoris for the woman and on the shaft of the penis
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One woman describes her feelings of letting go: "It is beautiful! It's as though my being withdraws from my extremities and is compacted in the clitoris. Everything recedes—there is nothing but this intense buildup of pleasure—nothing else exists. Then there is this tremendous explosive release that radiates outward in waves. I breathe in rhythm with the waves and my muscles contract . . ."
When our oldest daughter was twelve years old, we attended a sex education program with her. Following the class for parents and their junior highers, we talked with her about what she had learned. She explained what she had learned from the evening and then asked a question: "When the doctor was answering our questions, he used regular language except for answering the questions about masturbation and `organism—or whatever you call that. Then he changed to using big words I couldn't understand." She wanted to know what those words really meant. We went on to explain and then had her feed back to us what she understood. Her description of an orgasm was delightful and may help you.
"You get all good feelings down here (holding her hands on her pelvis). Then you get all jazzed (panting). Then you let it all out (sigh), and then you just sit there feeling good all over."
What better way could there be to describe it!
WHAT HAPPENS FOR MEN
For most men the orgasmic response is rather obvious because of the ejaculation of seminal fluid. The orgasm is an external happening. There are also internal feelings that accompany the obvious external release.
When we took you through the physiological responses of the sexual experience, we talked about the male orgasm having two stages. The first stage occurs between the time of warning that the man is approaching the point of no return and the point of ejaculatory inevitability (see Sexual Response Pattern graph, Chapter 8). The second phase starts with the point of ejaculatory inevitability or the actual point of no return. Each stage for the man has distinctive
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ran across pornography or had your first orgasm in response to a negative stimulus, you may now have to picture that same stimulus in order to have an orgasm. You are left in a lose-lose dilemma: to have an orgasm and feel guilty about the pictures in your mind or not to have an orgasm and feel sexually unsatisfied. Or you may have learned to be orgasmic by rocking on your pillow to help you fall asleep as a child and now you have no clue how to transfer that form of stimulation into sex with your husband. Fortunately, even if we have learned to respond or not to respond in a certain way, we can retrain our bodies to respond differently.
The woman's orgasm begins with an initial spasm (the muscle response) in the orgasmic platform (the lower third of the vagina) accompanied by an intense, genitally centered sensual awareness that occurs two to four seconds before the actual orgasm. This sensation is comparable to the man's warning that he is about to have an orgasm. This is the point at which many women stop their orgasmic response or feel that they're stuck and can't get over the hill.
The intense, genitally centered pelvic awareness associated with the initial spasms of the woman's orgasm is followed by a flow of warmth spreading from the pelvis to the rest of her body. This sequence is just the opposite of what men describe as happening to them. We might picture the difference with a diagram:
General Body Warmth
Genital Focus
Man Woman
The flow of warmth for the man starts with the general pleasure and flows to the genitals. The woman's release might look like the following diagram:
Genital General Genital
Focus Body Focus
(spasms} Warmth (throbbing)
Feelings of Feelings of
Intensity and Release and
Buildup Letting Go
WOMAN'S RELEASE
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engorgement or a building of sexual tension in the genitals, specifically, but generally throughout the entire body. This engorgement triggers the reflex of the orgasm.
An example of a reflex response is the jerk of your foot when the doctor taps your knee with a rubber hammer. The tap (the sensory input) occurs at one point of the body, the knee. The jerk (the muscular response) occurs at another point of the body, the lower leg. Similarly, the clitoris, breasts, inner thighs, vaginal wall, or other parts of the body may be stimulated (the sensory input), and the vaginal muscles and uterus contract (the muscular response).
Our sexual arousal and release (orgasm) are controlled by our involuntary or autonomic nervous system. Arousal, getting turned-on or sexually excited, is controlled by the passive branch of our involuntary nervous system. Arousal happens early in sexual play, in our sleep, and even throughout the day. Nipple erections and vaginal lubrications are indications of arousal. To get aroused, we have to be relaxed and soaking in pleasure, because the passive or relaxed branch of our involuntary nervous system has to be dominant. However, orgasm is controlled by the active branch of the involuntary nervous system. As arousal builds to the point where we are just about to go over the hill, our body shifts from parasympathetic (relaxed) nervous system dominance to sympathetic (active) nervous system dominance. So to have an orgasm, we have to get active and go for it. Many women who struggle to be orgasmic tend to remain passive during their sexual experiences, so they don't help their bodies make the shift from the passive to the active nervous system control.
Even though we cannot will an orgasm, it is possible to encourage it or resist it. We can condition our responses.
Involuntary sexual responses are similar to falling asleep. For example, I had difficulty sleeping as an infant, so my parents would take me for a ride in the car to get me to sleep. Even today, I tend to fall asleep when riding in a car. Likewise, if as a child or young adolescent you learned to block intense sexual feelings that would have moved you toward orgasm, you will as an adult continue to unknowingly stop your arousal before it leads to orgasm. Or if you innocently
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I think I have orgasms, but In not sure. What does an orgasm feel like? My husband doesn't think I've ever had one.
So maybe you've never had an orgasm, you're not sure if you've been orgasmic, you haven't been able to have an orgasm in some way that you wish you could, or you used to be orgasmic but now you aren't. Or maybe, as a man, your orgasm comes too quickly. You are confused about what is really going on in your body.
WHAT HAPPENS FOR WOMEN
Because what happens for a woman during an orgasm is so internal, there has been much confusion about the woman's orgasm. Women have more difficulty allowing release than men. This, too, has caused more focus on the woman's orgasm than on the man's.
You know if you have had an orgasm by understanding what happens during an orgasm. An orgasm is a reflex response that is triggered when there is enough buildup of sexual tension from effective stimulation and the freedom to pursue it without inhibition or fear of being out of control. Arousal builds to a certain intensity, causing
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AFTER ENTRY?
Is entry the beginning of the end? No, entry is not a final event. Much love play can occur after the penis has entered the vagina. The penis can be withdrawn for more total-body play. Then reentry can occur. When the couple are having fun together, the focus can be on total enjoyment. The mentality does not have to focus on entry and thrusting to the point of ejaculation and orgasm.
During an extended lovemaking experience with focus on the enjoyment of the process, a person's level of arousal may vary in intensity. The level of arousal will tend to be experienced in waves. As long as the person isn't standing back watching and evaluating arousal, it is fun to ride the waves. However, if a person is in an evaluative role, a dip may cause anxiety that interferes with the possibility of another intense surge. It is the anxiety about the dips, not the dips themselves, that gets in the way of continued responsiveness.
The freedom to enter, withdraw, and reenter will also help a man last longer. This allows him to have dips in excitement level so he doesn't ejaculate before he is ready.
Flexibility and freedom add fun to sexual encounter. Let entry also be a fun part of the total sexual event. This can best happen when you communicate your own feelings of readiness, respect each other's feelings and territory, and focus on the process rather than on a specific intercourse goal.
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brother, sister, or even their father or mother enters their room uninvited. When we are in our bedroom or bathroom with the door closed, we request that our children knock and wait for a response before entering. We give them the same courtesy. This is what it means to respect each other's territory.
Entry is an act of the man entering the woman's body. If he is going to feel welcome there, she has to let him know when she is ready. All of us feel much more comfortable when we invite someone into our space. This is true of our homes, our rooms, our feelings, and our bodies.
The invitation need not be formal. It might be a nonverbal message that communicates positively for both of you. That might be the woman reaching for the penis with her pelvis or inserting the penis in the vagina. It might be a pet word the two of you enjoy. There are many possible ways the woman can let the man know she is ready.
WHY THE WOMAN?
It is the woman's body that is being entered. Since she can easily experience a sense of invasion, both the husband and the wife will be more relaxed about entry when the woman assumes the responsibility to guide the timing of entry. A man will feel best about being in the woman when he senses her warm and desirous wish for entry.
WHAT ABOUT BIBLICAL SYMBOLISM?
In the early church, Christ's relation to the church was compared to the sexual relationship between a husband and wife. In Ephesians 5, Paul instructs the husband to love his wife as he does his own body, even as Christ loved the church.
Christ offers himself to us. He is ready to enter our lives and guide us to the extent that we, his people, will ask him to be there with us and for us. Christ does not invade. He gives, loves, cares, and waits to be invited. What a beautiful model of entry by invitation.
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to be desired when there is intense sexual stimulation for the man and the woman.
There is no one correct time for entry. The only physical criteria are vaginal lubrication for the woman and an erect penis for the man. Even these are not entirely necessary in that a man and woman can learn to stuff a slightly erect penis into the vagina. A lubricant can be used to substitute for or add to vaginal lubrication. So the right time is your time.
The physical signs of readiness do not always ensure emotional readiness. The man might desire love play for quite some time after he has a full erection. Women often do not feel ready even though they have plenty of lubrication. If a woman is feeling tense, she will not be desiring entry. This may be demonstrated by stiff legs or a withdrawing from sexual stimulation rather than reaching for it.
The woman needs the man to back off when her body is ready but her feelings are not. She needs room to allow her feelings to catch up with her body's response. This can happen only if she is free of the demand to be ready.
When the feeling of readiness is there, the woman knows it! It might be described as the opening up of the vagina, as well as a relaxed spreading of her legs. There are actual physical changes occurring during the plateau phase (Chapter 8, page 87) that correspond to this opening sensation. The labia majora (outer lips) have thinned and are folded back out of the way of the vaginal opening. The swollen inner lips gap widely to create a funnel into the vagina. A woman is only minutes away from an orgasmic release when she is experiencing the sensations of these changes in her genitalia. She may or may not pursue entry at this time. It is her decision. The woman is the only one who can decide when she is ready.
WHY ENTRY BY INVITATION?
We all have a sense of territory. All of us feel somewhat protective and possessive of our space. Children go through a time starting somewhere around age ten when they feel extremely violated if a
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I don't understand why my wife gets so upset. I always cheek to make sure she wet, yet she says I enter her whether she ready or not. lin confiised.
WHEN?
Somewhere in the process of sexual stimulation, entry is likely to occur. The act of entry is what changes a sexual experience from sexual play to sexual intercourse. However, entry is not necessary for sexual enjoyment and release. For many couples, entry is not an automatic part of every sexual experience. When entry is not possible—in cases of prolonged impotence for the man or vaginismus for the woman—couples can learn to have totally satisfying sexual play without a full intercourse event. (Vaginismus is a painful contraction or spasm of the vagina.) There are some advantages to sexual play without intercourse. All of us would benefit from learning to totally enjoy the pleasure of each other's bodies.
When entry is possible, it should occur when both partners feel ready and desirous of having the penis in the vagina. Entry is likely
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setting the rhythm in motion. Exaggerate the natural desire of your body by acting intensely in response to it.
The same thing can be true with breathing. A number of women who have had difficulty responding orgasmically have discovered that they stop their natural exaggerated breathing when they get highly aroused. Deeper and more rapid breathing is a natural bodily response to sexual stimulation (Chapter 8, pages 86-89). When we cut off our bodily responses, we inhibit the potential for release. So if you find your breathing intensifying, breathe even harder.
Noise can also be exaggerated or withheld. Sometimes external conditions hinder your freedom to let out all the sounds you feel like expressing. The most common inhibitor is the presence of children in a nearby room. This is a realistic interference. If it causes conflict for you, try to find some times away from children when you can both really let loose.
Another natural response to stimulation is to move our bodies toward stimulating contact. Often this means pushing one's pelvis toward some point of stimulation. Listen to yourself on this, too. If you notice yourself pulling away from points of contact, consciously attempt to reverse that withholding pattern by actively moving your genitals toward positive sexual stimulation.
The more we can open up and allow ourselves to take in and respond to stimulation, the more responsive we will become. It is important to get with our bodies, to enjoy God's creation in us, and to freely celebrate our sexuality within our marriage.
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stimulating; it is a friendship peck. It has been a challenging experience to teach couples how to kiss! When a couple has stopped kissing passionately or has never used tongue, teeth, or enjoyed full-mouth kissing, it is difficult to explain with words how to really kiss. It has been fun and rewarding for us to help a couple find a whole new area of sexual stimulation—their mouths.
If one or both of you have difficulty with passionate kissing, talk with each other about what you would like to discover and then start experimenting. At first it may feel rather awkward, but stick with it. Start by teasing with your tongue against your spouse's lips, then tongue against teeth, and finally tongue to tongue. Eventually the whole mouth can get into the act. Once the passion and arousal are experienced, allow further mouth involvement to flow spontaneously.
EXAGGERATING VS. WITHHOLDING NATURAL BODY RESPONSES
When we sense that our bodies are becoming sexually stimulated, we can react in two ways: We can let ourselves take in the stimulation and respond, or we can tighten up and prevent the stimulation from naturally accelerating.
For the person who has had some difficulty embracing his or her body's responses, there is a need to exaggerate positive sensations. This is done to counteract years of conditioning that taught the person to withhold natural sexual responses.
Start by listening to your body. This is not an evaluation of your body—not standing outside yourself and checking your responses. Rather, listening to your body means getting with your inner self—going with your good feelings, focusing on the good sensations of touch. Sometimes this includes moving in a rhythmic pattern. The rhythmic pattern might be a response to vaginal or penile throbbing. It may be a response to your clitoris wanting rhythmic pressure or your penis wanting rhythmic stroking. If you are aware of your inner desire for such a rhythmic experience, become active in
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work to desensitize this negative response because it interferes with their sexual pleasure—not just with the positive use of a lubricant.
Certain types of problems with giving and receiving touch are more deeply based, such as forceful, controlling touch and ticklishness.
Forceful, controlling touch is often used by a person who needs to dominate or who is angry. In either case, the person may be too passive to express the need directly. Therefore, it comes out in the way he or she touches during sexual play. The partner often experiences the touch as smothering and as limiting his or her own sexual expression.
Ticklishness is thought to be indicative of intense erotic responsiveness that is blocked. In other words, the extremely ticklish person feels the partner's touch intensely, but instead of perceiving the touch as arousing, the erotic feeling is blocked and the ticklish feeling is substituted.
Jeff had this difficulty. He and his wife came to us because of his impotence. We discovered that during the foot caress his ticklishness interfered with the pleasure of the caress. We had him focus intensely on the sensation of the feeling, at the same time being aware that he was not allowing himself to take in the sensuous touch. With practice, he was able to allow himself incredibly sensuous responses to foot caresses. The same thing surfaced as Jeff and his wife, Susan, went through the nondemand instruction for positive genital stimulation. We learned that Susan had stopped touching Jeff's penis years before. There was no way she could provide him positive genital stimulation without tickling. No wonder he was unable to get an erection! First we worked through some emotional barriers that had never allowed him to feel anything intensely. Then the couple practiced some experiences that allowed Jeff to focus on and receive sensuous stimulation. As anxiety about erections was reduced and stimuli received, erections became a regular response.
Kissing
Kissing is a part of stimulating touch that is often not addressed. We have been surprised to find individuals and couples who have never kissed passionately. Their kissing would not be considered
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STIMULATING TOUCH VS. IRRITATING TOUCH
Touch has the greatest potential for eliciting sexual stimulation when the person doing the touching is relaxed and enjoying the other person's body. The less anxiety and stress, the more likely it is that stimulation will occur.
Anxiety and tension are communicated in the vibrations we send through sexual touching. This can cause the touch to feel irritating.
Also, individual differences in how people touch can affect one's touch perception. For example, if you get most aroused with a firm touch, you are likely to touch your spouse firmly. Your spouse may actually be much more responsive to a light touch. Unless you have talked about this and done some nondemand instructing, each of you may find the other's touch to be irritating rather than stimulating. Too much or too little pressure can make a major difference in your response to being touched. Guiding your partner with your own hand to adjust the touch to meet your needs is an effective means of ongoing flexibility (Chapter 13, Exercise 10).
When stroking and caressing flow, they are more likely to be arousing than when abrupt and jerky. Abruptness usually is indicative of discomfort in the pleasurer. Maintaining continuous contact with the other person's skin helps counteract the tendency for abruptness and promotes a flowing touch. For example, even when the pleasurer is obtaining additional lotion, it helps to keep one hand on the partner's body.
Lubricants can add to the stimulating quality of the touch. This is true for general pleasuring of the whole body as well as for genital caressing. Putting a lotion on your hand before stimulating your partner's genitals can be a great feeling for both of you. For men, it feels most like being in the vagina and is very arousing. For the women, it reduces irritations and can add greatly to arousal. The only persons we have found for whom the use of lubricants is not a positive experience are men and women who do not like messes. For them natural genital secretions have been negative, so to add a lubricant that feels similar to these natural juices is a turnoff. We encourage such people to
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what they find stimulating. Women tell us that one time kissing may be highly arousing and the next time they do not even want their lips touched. For the man who believes it is his responsibility to turn on and please his wife, this can be very frustrating. Just about the time he thinks he has figured her out, she changes. This is another example of why it works best for each person to take responsibility to recognize and go after his or her own pleasure. When a woman is very changeable, the only way she and her spouse can experience freedom and relaxation in lovemaking is for her to take responsibility for what she needs. There is no way her husband will be able to decide for her what is going to be stimulating.
This is true, too, for changes that occur within the same sexual event. Again, women seem to be more changeable than men. Hormonal fluctuations and the complexity of how women are designed affect these fluctuations.
A common dissatisfaction women report is that the man will find a responsive spot and stick with it "until he wears it thin." This approach of finding the correct button does not allow for change.
How might the two of you develop a system that allows individuality and variation? The most effective guidelines we can give are in the chapter on pleasuring. It is particularly important to learn the two-way system. That is, each person takes the responsibility to go after his or her own needs for stimulation; and each person takes the responsibility to communicate in some way when he or she wants a particular activity changed. If you learn some nonverbal communication signals (see Chapter 12), you will probably have a flexible system. The nondemand exercise in the non-demand position is an effective way to learn for yourself and to communicate to your partner what is stimulating for you. In this experience, you guide the other person's hands to teach what feels good to you. Even though what you have communicated may vary from time to time, you can learn some basic awareness of each other's tendencies. Then, the same guiding of hands can be incorporated into your sexual stimulation as a way to communicate your changing desire.
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Another way we can get ourselves in trouble and not allow individuality is by imposing lessons learned in a previous situation on our spouses. If you were sexually involved with someone before your spouse, it is easy to expect the same response. Many couples have had difficulty resolving their sexual tensions because they imposed such expectations on their current situation.
The scenario may go something like this: The woman had been involved sexually as a teenager. Those sexual experiences were exciting and full of vitality. Her partners were usually somewhat older men who swept her off her feet and turned her on. After that she became a Christian. Guilt about her past experiences and her current intense sexual desire plagued her. She resolved never to be promiscuous again—or even to be sexual. By that decision, she chose to turn off her sexual feelings. Then she chose a husband of deep faith. He was most unlike her lovers of the past, yet she expected him to display the kind of charming and aggressive traits he would never possess. She also expected in herself (a now turned-off person) the same responsiveness she had experienced before. Not surprisingly, she was disappointed! It took a time of intensive work in therapy to free her God-given potential so that she was again able to be responsive, this time to her husband.
In another case, a man remarried after his first marriage ended. His first wife was quickly aroused and intensely orgasmic. His second wife had experienced sexual trauma as a child and so could not allow herself to freely respond orgasmically. She experienced a great deal of conflict about her sexual responsiveness. Though she would become intensely aroused, she fought the arousal and therefore showed strain and frustration. The man read this as a message about her feelings for him. He had difficulty comprehending how orgasm could be difficult for his second wife when it had been so easy for his first wife.
Besides respecting differences from one person to another, it is important to expect that the same person will change from one experience to another. This is reported more frequently by women than by men. Generally, men report feeling more consistent about
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The manual we studied before our marriage in 1963 described it this way:
The husband must always delay and control his impatient desire, until he has carried his wife through an adequate period of preparation ... The most complete response is likely to be evoked if caresses follow a definite sequence, beginning with the lips and neck, then the breasts and finally the sex organs, but women differ and the husband must learn the preferences of his wife instead of relying on theory)
Mechanical prescriptions for stimulation lead to monotony. Positive sexual stimulation is most likely to occur when two people are free to enjoy each other's bodies with creativity and variety. Any part of the body is responsive to sexual stimulation. Rubbing each other's skin anywhere can be a turnon. Indeed, a change is often more intensely erotic because it is a new sensation. There is no one standard for what will work. The door needs to be wide open to new discoveries.
INDIVIDUALITY VS. PREDICTABILITY
Creative variety forces us CO recognize and allow for individual differences. This includes differences between men and women, from one woman to another, from one man to another, in the same person from one experience to another, and from time to time within the same experience. "Doing it" the same way every time does not account for individual variation. That is why a mechanical routine soon gets boring.
Let's talk about allowing differences from one person to another. Just because a certain kind of touch is stimulating to you does not ensure the same will be true for your spouse. Each person needs to be his or her own authority on what is pleasurable or stimulating. That is why it works best for each person to go after his or her own desire. It takes the guesswork out of the experience.
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I know how Itn supposed to be able to turn her on, but she's dif ferent. She doesn't work like the books said she would.
STIMULATING VS. PLEASURING
Why a chapter on pleasuring and one on stimulating? What is the difference? Pleasure may or may not be stimulating. Sexual arousal and stimulation may occur in response to pleasurable touch, but they may not. Sexual stimulation should be pleasurable, but that is not necessarily the case. The extreme situation is rape. A woman who is raped may actually experience physical sexual stimulation, but her feelings are of fear and pain rather than of pleasure.
CREATIVE VARIETY VS. MECHANICAL MONOTONY
The mechanical approach to stimulation carries with it several myths. The three-push-button approach assumes that the man is responsible to produce a response in his wife. If the man pushes the right buttons in the correct order, he will turn on a woman. The myth is that if he kisses her, fondles her breasts, and rubs the clitoris, she'll be ready to go.
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partners show they care enough to prepare their bodies. This might involve shaving the face for the man or the legs for the woman. It usually includes having a clean, fresh-smelling body. What is important varies greatly from person to person. This is a sensitive area in which people often do not feel free to communicate their needs.
One woman found herself sexually repulsed by her husband. They always made love in the evening. His work caused him to perspire profusely, and he did not like to shower after work. To her, he was smelly and uncomfortable to touch. He felt her avoidance of him but never knew what it was about. The communication process took some hard work. He was not very open to changing his ways. He saw her as fussy, and she saw him as stubborn and uncaring.
Sometimes just talking about the problem eliminates it as a barrier. Other situations may require more investment in the problem. Usually a person is happy to do whatever is needed to correct a negative odor or to prepare in a way that is important to one's partner.
Another exercise of thoughtfulness involves having supplies ready for a spontaneous or previously planned sexual encounter. This might include birth-control devices, tissue, lubricants, a pillow, or special sheets. Some couples have prepared a lovemaking kit. Either this kit is stored where it is easily accessible or both partners share the responsibility of remembering to bring it to their together times.
Preparing the setting is an expression of thoughtfulness even when it is not done as a surprise. Just the idea of taking time to turn on the electric blanket, warm the room, lock the door, dim the lights, or clean the bedroom is an expression of caring. The sexual relationship between you and your spouse is important and special to you.
Treating yourself and each other adds to sexual pleasure as long as treats do not become demands. Plan a treat because you enjoy doing it, not because you expect a response. Otherwise, you will develop anxiety and tension that detract from rather than add to your pleasure. Treats can also get in the way if you start expecting or demanding that your partner provide them. Keeping score also destroys the pleasure: "I surprised her last time. It's her turn now." Keep it fun, free, and an expression of your sensuousness.
Thoughtful expressions have much the same effect as planned or
spontaneous surprises. For many individuals, it is important that their
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making those plans?" to, "If its something rri like to have happen, why don't I plan it as a surprise?"
Just as sensuous events are fun to plan as surprises for each other, so are total sexual experiences. Occasionally it is refreshing for one spouse to take over the entire plan for a time together. For example, say Thursday evening next week is an evening set aside for the two of you. Let your spouse know that you will be in charge. Then plan creatively. Think of setting the atmosphere as we just outlined. You might also become creative in what you do with each other. If your sexual relationship has been limited to intercourse experiences, you might enjoy planning some time for the two of you to be together in an atmosphere that's conducive to chatting and being affectionate without the necessity of intercourse. Make the entire plan an expression of yourself that takes into account your spouse's likes and dislikes.
If you don't have the energy or interest to plan a total experience surprise, you might consider adding one small surprise to an already planned or anticipated experience. This could be something creative to pleasure with, some sensuous addition to the atmosphere, or a new activity focus. Maybe you both have been wanting a new bedspread. If you both are clear on what the other likes, one of you could buy it and save it for a surprise.
SPONTANEOUS SURPRISES
Spontaneous surprises also add excitement. Spontaneity grows out of being aware of one's own inner sexual desire and being in tune with each other. A fun surprise we enjoy giving each other is to go to bed nude. We usually wear bedclothes at night, so it is a delightful surprise to find a warm, nude body in the bed. Spontaneous surprises that grow out of the moment give the other person the message that you are desiring him or her—that you are excited about your relationship.
THOUGHTFULNESS THAT COMMUNICATES CARE
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Thoughtful expressions have much the same effect as planned or
spontaneous surprises. For many individuals, it is important that their
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mation that can be incorporated into your lovemaking experience. The borrowed idea enhances your situation.
"Something Blue"
The blue garter at a wedding speaks of tradition. Creating traditions that are special for the two of you provides continuity and invites anticipation. Sometimes traditions for a sexual setting are incorporated as part of a special event such as an anniversary. Perhaps the husband always buys roses for his wife, or they always go out for an extra-nice dinner. These are fun, familiar experiences that may enhance your sexual encounters.
If you are the one planning the setting for your next time together, think through these four areas—"something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue." It can provide a framework for creativity.
PLANNED SURPRISES
The entire event Michelle planned in anticipation of John's homecoming was a surprise to John. Planned surprises are often more fun for the doer than for the receiver. The person who is managing the surprise has time to get into the details of the event. He or she also enjoys all the positive feelings of anticipation. The person to be surprised misses the fun of preparation and anticipation, and may not feel ready when the surprise comes. Nonetheless, the right kind of surprise can be a pleasure.
To be sensuous, a surprise does not have to include physical touching. You may want to plan a hike in the mountains, a barefoot walk on the beach, a drive through the country, an afternoon at a cultural event, an evening at the movies, a special dinner. There are many sensuous, nontouching events that promote intimacy and arousal for many couples. It can add a new zing to your relationship to plan such an event as a total surprise for your spouse. Perhaps there is some activity you've really been wishing the two of you could do together. For some reason, you have not done anything about it. Maybe you're expecting your spouse to take responsibility for the plans. Why not take charge and make the arrangements yourself? Turn it from, "I wish he would think of things like that," or "I wonder why she isn't
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Experimenting with new places, positions, methods of stimulation, or accouterments adds excitement. If you are not used to adding newness to your sex life, it may be difficult to start. You may feel awkward and your spouse may wonder what has happened to you. We suggest starting with a planned experience. You might find the steps of the following exercise helpful.
EXERCISE 12
Creative Pleasuring
Step 1: Together read these instructions and the "Underlying principles" section in Exercise 8, Chapter 13. Tell each other what you understand the assignment to be.
Step 2: Bathe or shower together in a way that brings relaxation and enjoyment of each other's bodies.
Step 3: Each of you bring to the experience one or more items to use to pleasure your partner. Think of things that would feel pleasing and sensuous against the skin (a piece of fabric, fur, silk, hair, brush, feather, and so on). Let these items be a surprise.
Step 4. One of you start the actual pleasuring by having your partner lie on his or her abdomen. Gently stroke his or her back with the accouterment you chose for this event. If you and your partner both enjoy the feeling of the item you chose, continue pleasuring his or her entire body. When you feel finished, reverse roles. The other partner now does the same thing with the accouterment he or she chose. Each one should stop when you have thoroughly enjoyed your partner's total body.
Step 5: Talk about the experience. What did you enjoy? What would you have liked more of? What other kind of object could you imagine enjoying? What did you learn?
Another way you might vary this exercise is by taking turns setting the atmosphere. For each spouse's turn, that person would be responsible to add something new and sensuous to your lovemaking setup.
"Something Borrowed"
This phrase reminds us of an attitude of openness to ideas from others. This may come from talking with a friend, reading a book, or attending a class. Through some outside exposure, you acquire infor‑
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about whether or not it would be received. On the contrary, the whole plan was an expression of her own sexuality that left room for John to enjoy what he could. She did not need him to be excited about what she had done, for she already felt fulfilled in her own creation. Therefore, her preparation did not come across as an anxiety-producing demand but rather a true expression of herself.
Unfortunately, we all are not always in touch with our own desires. Nor are we as secure in expressing them without making a demand to have them affirmed. Sometimes it is hard to be sensitive in allowing space for our spouse. Michelle's efforts provide a beautiful example of the way special treats can be developed to add to pleasure. In addition to learning to enjoy pleasuring and receiving, there are little extras that make a difference. Three extras we have found enhancing to general pleasuring are setting the atmosphere, sharing sensuous surprises, and expressing thoughtfulness.
SETTING THE ATMOSPHERE
When we think about setting the atmosphere, the old wedding cliche comes to mind: "something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue."
"Something Old"
A sense of warmth is expressed by including in the pleasuring setup some feature that has a positive history for both of you. For example, we light a candle by the bed when we are anticipating getting together for sexual pleasure. This has positive associations for both of us. Also, we use the candle to symbolically communicate with each other that we desire sexual contact.
Providing what we already know is positive makes a great start. For the two of you it might be a special sheet or blanket, a flower, music, a fire in the fireplace, oil or lotion, or perfume. There are unlimited possibilities.
"Something New"
If everything about the experience is old and familiar, regular repetition of that atmosphere will soon cause it to lose its spark.
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It was a warm summer day in California. John had been away on a business trip, and Michelle was anticipating his return. She felt herself getting aroused as she thought about being with him that evening. Yet the bedroom was hot and uncomfortable. In addition, she knew that she and John would need to spend some time getting back into each other's worlds after the time they had spent apart. How could she plan something enjoyable that would meet her sexual desire and yet respond to John and his probable need for unwinding from business pressures?
A creative plan emerged. Listening to her inner spark, she balanced it with the need to give John room and not push herself on him. She decided to prepare a simple, light but elegant candlelight dinner and to play their favorite music while they were relaxing and eating. These were treats she knew they would both enjoy.
What about the hot bedroom? Michelle decided to try a new setting that did not have any past demands or expectations. The family room was the coolest room in the house. How about a love pit? With cushions and comforters, she had a delightful time preparing a place where they could comfortably chat, touch, make love, or sleep. All were possible options.
In planning these special treats, Michelle was focused on mutual pleasure. It was not an anxious attempt to please, with insecurities
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Step 2: Bathe or shower together in a way that brings relaxation and enjoyment of each other's bodies.
Step 3: One of you start the actual pleasuring by following previous underlying principles for bodily pleasuring, except this time you may use any part of your body except your hands. Make it an experimental and fun time of discovering what parts of your body you really enjoy using to touch your partner. You might use your hair, nose, eyes, tongue, ears, forearms, breasts, genitals, feet, or whatever. When you have thoroughly enjoyed your partner's total body, reverse roles and your partner will pursue the discovery of using various parts of her or his body to pleasure you. Each of you stop when you feel you have thoroughly enjoyed your partner's total body. (A variation may be simultaneous enjoyment of giving and receiving.)
Step 4: Talk about the experience. 'What felt particularly good? What new things did you discover about yourself? About your partner? What got in the way of maximum enjoyment?
FLOWING WITH THE FEELINGS
Whatever part of the body you are enjoying, the key is to let yourself flow with your inner feelings. When we take a couple through a total body, general pleasuring experience (Chapter 28, Exercise 14), we encourage the pleasurer to start by placing his or her hands on the receiver's back. Rest there awhile. The pleasurer is to sense the warmth and vibrations of the other's back and begin to move in response to those feelings. Movement is best when it flows from within the person rather than being a mechanical exercise of making sure every inch of the receiver's back was touched.
You will learn sensuous touching as you are free to flow with the pleasure from your inner self, and as you are open to learning to touch in a way that is pleasurable to your partner. These two factors, plus the ability to allow variation and experimentation, can keep a relationship exciting for a lifetime.
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for readjustment of the touch when you are taking responsibility for your own pleasure as the receiver.
VARIETY IN SENSUOUS TOUCHING
When using hands as the pleasuring agent, it is important that the hands be free to communicate inner feelings. The hands become the instruments of loving, caring expression. For this to happen, there are some conditions that are helpful. It is better if nails are not rough or sharp so the receiving person doesn't have to worry about being jabbed. The pleasurer's hands feel best to the receiver when they are smooth, soft, and warm. Touch is most sensuous to both giver and receiver when the hands continuously touch the other's body. This unbroken contact provides a sense of continually being in touch with each other's vibrations. Men tend to touch in straight lines. Most women enjoy being touched in circles. If the man experiments with making the change from straight strokes to circular caress, the woman's pleasure may be greater.
The hands are not the only instruments through which we can sensuously enjoy each other's bodies. In fact, many couples find it most enlightening and exciting to vary the parts of the body used to enjoy each other. The forearms, lips, and breasts are particularly sensitive to touch for the pleasurer. Using one of these parts is a positive distraction for the person who has a difficult time pleasuring because of performance anxiety. The hair is a fun sensation for the receiver. Toes can add a spark. The tongue is very sensuous. Light stroking with fingernails is positive for some and negative for others.
A pleasuring exercise many couples find to be fun is one using no hands. All other parts of the body may be used. Try following the steps outlined below; you may find it challenging or hilarious.
EXERCISE 11
No-Hands Pleasuring
Step 1: Together read these instructions and the underlying principles for the foot and hand caress. Tell each other what you understand the assignment to be.
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WAL 7
Figure 8: Nondemand Positions
nondemand position; for example, he may slide his head into his partner's lap. When the man is guiding the woman in pleasuring his lower body, especially the genitals, we encourage the use of the position shown in the lower diagram.
Step 4: Talk together about what you learned in this experience as well as in any other touching experiences you have always enjoyed, or that have always been painful or difficult for you.
Once you as a couple are comfortable with guiding each other's hands as a means of instruction, guiding hands can be interjected into any pleasuring, lovemaking time as a way of ongoing communication. When something feels particularly good you can guide your partner's hand to show that you would like more of the same. Your partner's hand can also be guided to communicate your need
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Another step can be added to the facial caress to make it a nondemand instruction exercise. While the pleasurer is caressing the receiver's face, the receiver reaches up and gently, lovingly places his or her hands over the pleasurer's hands. (This must be an expected part of the experience so the pleasurer is not taken by surprise.) The pleasurer responds by relaxing his or her hands and letting the receiver guide them. The receiver then uses the pleasurer's hand to caress his or her own face. Another way of describing this step is that the receiver guides the plea-surer to demonstrate what kind of touch feels best. The pleasurer's task is to relax and get a sense of where and how the receiver likes to be touched. This can actually relieve anxiety for persons who are anxious about doing it right or who feel that the ways they touch are never right.
This experience may be followed by a more involved nondemand touching exercise that includes the whole front of the body.
EXERCISE 10
Nondemand Touching
Step 1: Read these instructions together and clarify to each other what you are to do.
Step 2: Bathe or shower together in a way that brings relaxation and enjoyment of each other's bodies.
Step 3: The woman starts the actual experience by sitting in front of her husband in the nondemand position (see Figure 8). Then she places her hands over his hands and uses his hands to pleasure her face, breasts, abdomen, and genitals. The purpose of the exercise is for the wife to guide her husband's hands to demonstrate what kind of touch she really likes. The husband's job is to let his hand muscles be relaxed and limp, and to attend to the kind of touch he is being directed to give. He can learn what his partner really likes. This is a particularly good time for both to do a lot of experimenting and communicating about the kind of genital touch that brings pleasure. It is not likely to be an exciting or arousing experience, but more of a clinical and teaching time.
When the man guides the woman's hands to discover and teach the touch he enjoys on the upper front of his body, he may need to slide down and use a modified version of the upper diagram of the
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formance anxiety and the woman's inability to trust enough to receive will probably show up in other areas of the relationship, too. Therefore, besides practicing the roles that are most difficult for each of you, you need to watch for similar feelings popping up elsewhere in your lives. Awareness is a major starting place for breaking emotional barriers.
COMMUNICATING LIKES AND DISLIKES
After learning to touch and be touched for your own pleasure, a more complicated step is learning to incorporate the likes and dislikes of your partner. To pay attention to those likes and dislikes may feel like getting back to trying to please. That is why it is essential that you feel confident of your ability to give and receive pleasure for your own enjoyment before you move to this step. Then you can go after your own pleasure with an awareness of your partner's likes and dislikes. Often it will be more enjoyable to do something you know is particularly pleasing to your partner. If total-body caressing is delightful to your partner and positive for you, why not choose it even if there are activities you enjoy more? In this case, it is for your own pleasure that you might like to pursue the activity your partner enjoys most. The motive is not trying to please, but rather mutual enjoyment. As you become comfortable with pleasure for pleasure's sake, mutuality of expression will develop.
If you are going to incorporate each other's likes and dislikes into the pleasuring process, you need to talk about those likes and dislikes at a time separate from the pleasuring experience itself. Each of you probably has likes and dislikes you have never told the other. Using the instructions for positive verbal communication from Chapter 12, set aside a talk time. This talk time is just the beginning. Communicating sexual likes and dislikes is an ongoing process.
INSTRUCTING EACH OTHER IN POSITIVE TOUCHING
Nonverbal communication about what is pleasurable is another effective tool for learning each other's likes and dislikes. Nonverbal instruction does not carry the demand verbal instruction can sometimes impart.
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cheeks, forehead, chin, lips. Gently, sensuously, and lovingly enjoy the warmth of your partner's face. Inform your partner when you finish.
5. Both: Reverse roles and repeat steps 3 and 4.
GIVING AND RECEIVING: WHEN THERE ARE BARRIERS
The barriers that usually surface in these early pleasuring experiences involve giving and receiving. Often it becomes clear that there are two givers and no receiver. Both partners have difficulty believing and feeling that they have the right to receive. It is difficult to let go, relax, and soak in the pleasure. It feels selfish and uncaring. Each imagines that the other is unable to enjoy the pleasuring process. One will think, I know he's not enjoying himself Behind that thought is usually a feeling of low self-esteem: He couldn't enjoy touching me.
Sometimes one spouse can enjoy pleasuring and the other one receiving, but the opposite is not true. Then the giving is no longer a two-way proposition. The underlying principles we have proposed will not work as well in this situation. The one spouse may experience receiving more as a chore than as a delight, while the other experiences giving as the chore. If either giving or receiving is difficult for you, we would encourage you to practice the role that is most difficult. Go at it gradually. Talk about your difficulty with either receiving or giving. For the one who has difficulty pleasuring, performance anxiety could be getting in the way. He cannot focus on what feels good because he is so preoccupied with not measuring up—not doing it right—not being able to please a woman. Very often it is the man who has this difficulty. A man who has trouble pleasuring is often one who has grown up with a mother who continually expressed negative messages about the father. The son clearly learned that men are inadequate in making women happy.
The woman is probably the one having difficulty receiving. Usually this is a trust problem. She confirms the man's fears of inadequacy because she has learned, "You can't trust a man." She can pleasure him and enjoy his body since she is in control. To be in the receiving role raises all her anxieties about relying on someone else. The man's per‑
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You may want to repeat this experience at several different times in new settings. Change who begins the caress, and vary the location and the additions to the environment—music, fire in the fireplace, comforter, animal-skin rugs, candles, incense, lights on, dimmed, or off, and so on. When choosing accents for the setting, the pleasurer may choose the ingredients he or she would enjoy. This follows our basic attitude of pleasuring for one's own enjoyment. For example, if I'm going to pleasure my spouse and I like soft music, I will choose soft music unless I know my spouse finds it to be negative. In that case, I need to choose something that will enhance my involvement in the experience without being unpleasant for my spouse. When a couple's likes and dislikes are far apart, this takes a more loving effort.
Once the two of you feel free of demand and anxiety and can enjoy the foot and hand caress as both receiver and pleasurer, then you may want to move to the facial caress.
The purpose and guidelines for the facial caress are basically the same as for the foot and hand caress.
EXERCISE 9
Facial Caress
Steps:
I. Both: Bathe or shower individually or together. Hair should be clean, dry, and away from face. Man should be cleanly shaven.
2. Together: Reread underlying principles for foot and hand caress.
3. Receiver: (a) Position yourself comfortably on a bed or couch, with or without pillow, with your head near the unobstructed edge of the bed or couch. (b) Let yourself relax with eyes closed. Breathe in deeply and exhale slowly a few times, letting your body sink into the bed or couch.
4. Pleasurer: (a) Sit in a comfortable chair positioned for easy access to your partner's face. (b) Using a facial lotion or cream, close your eyes and focus on the sensation of touch as you explore your partner's face. Pleasure and explore as if you are a blind person getting to know your spouse through touch. Find eyebrows, eyes, all aspects of the nose,
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· Varying the setting keeps the experience interesting:
Select a setting different from that of your usual sexual experiences. The receiver should be seated or reclined in a comfortable, upholstered high-backed chair or couch. The pleasurer should be positioned to have easy and comfortable access to the body part being enjoyed.
· Focus on pleasure:
Sexual arousal is not the expectation of this experience. If arousal should occur, this is an acceptable, involuntary response, so enjoy it. But do not become concerned if there is no arousal. The purpose of this experience is to learn to enjoy the giving and receiving of bodily pleasure. This is not to be a therapeutic massage to get the kinks out, but rather a sensuous touch that communicates warmth.
Steps:
1. Both: Bathe or shower, individually or together. Wear comfortable clothes or robes.
2. Decide who will first be the receiver and who will first be the pleasurer.
3. You may or may not use body lotion or oil. If using lotion, warm it in your hands first.
4. Receiver: Get comfortable in the selected chair or couch. Lie back and close your eyes. Breathe in deeply and exhale slowly several times, letting your body sink into the chair or couch as you do. (If your feet are ticklish, you may be highly responsive, thus making it difficult to receive the sensuous touch. Focusing intensely on the sensations you are feeling should help relieve the ticklishness and increase the pleasure.)
5. Pleasurer: With or without lotion, warm your hands. Start caressing your partner's foot. Get to know his or her foot through touch. Slowly explore the toes, arch, top of foot, ankle, and so on. If your touch is ticklish, try a firmer touch with the total palm of your hand. Maintain uninterrupted contact with the body part being caressed and inform your partner before you move to the next part. Caress one foot then the other. Next caress the hands, enjoying all surfaces and parts of each hand. Inform your partner when you are finished.
6. Both: Reverse roles and repeat steps 4 and 5.
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ure will work only if this is a mutual commitment. Both of you have to be convinced, and both must cooperate with the plan. You also need mutual trust in each other's commitment. Once the basic verbal communication has been worked out, then it's best to practice some very simple pleasuring exercises. Start with a foot and hand caress. These are the parts of the body farthest from the genitals; therefore, you are less likely to experience any of the anxieties or demands previously associated with your sexual experience.
Following are the steps for the foot and hand caress. This is one of the early assignments we give to couples in sexual therapy. The pleasuring exercises can significantly enhance a couple's sexual relationship whether or not there are any specific sexual problems or patterns of relating sexually that need to be reversed.
EXERCISE 8
Foot and Hand Caress Underlying principles:
a Receiving and pleasuring for your own pleasure:
Receiver: Your only task is to soak in pleasure and to redirect the pleasurer when the touch is not pleasing. Check out your concern if at any point you question whether or not your partner is enjoying himself or herself.
Pleasurer: Lovingly and tenderly touch your partner in a way that feels good to you. Think of radiating warmth through your fingertips and taking in or sensing the warmth and pulsation of the part of your partner that you are touching. Trust your partner to redirect you if what you are doing is not pleasurable. Express your concern if at any point you become anxious rather than enjoying your partner's body. Caress slowly. Take time to enjoy.
a No experience at all is preferable to an experience by demand:
When you feel that an experience is a demand—stop doing it, share your feelings, and shift the place or person being pleasured. If the demand still continues, talk about the feelings and reschedule the experience, modifying the setup to accommodate the needs of one or both partners in order to eliminate demand feelings.
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you become performance-focused. This creates anxiety and tension. Your partner will sense this tension, and it will interfere with his or her pleasure as well as yours.
There is nothing more positive sexually than for both persons to take responsibility for themselves, to truly enjoy their own and each other's bodies for personal pleasure. This cannot work, however, without the second part of this system: Each person in the relationship must agree that he or she will not allow anything to continue that is negative. This agreement means you take the responsibility to redirect your spouse away from anything that feels negative and toward something pleasurable. That way, you and your partner can relax and enjoy yourselves, not worrying about whether the other is feeling good about the experience. You can trust that getting into your own feelings is not at the expense of your partner but rather for his or her pleasure.
This two-way contract is incredibly freeing, and yet it is most difficult for some couples to accept. We have been conditioned to believe that as spouses, it is our duty to determine what is most pleasing to our partners and then work hard to do everything just right. You can see how that can interfere with pleasure for both. Let's look back at the verses we started with. Ephesians 5:28-29 implies that the best guide for pleasing our partners is to find out what pleases ourselves. The only expectation is that we are not to withhold ourselves from our spouses (1 Cor. 7:5).
What plan might you set in motion to act on the attitude suggested above—the change from pleasing to pursuing pleasure? The remainder of this chapter will give you some ideas.
GOING AFTER GOOD FEELINGS
How can you pleasure for your own enjoyment and know that this will be the best way to give yourself to your spouse?
When you realize and believe that you will please each other most when you fully free yourselves in the sexual experience, then you will be most able to enjoy yourselves and each other. Going after pleas‑
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with the sexual experience. Because of this, we teach couples a process of giving and receiving pleasure without demand.
Demand-free pleasuring experiences are simple to talk about but not always easy to practice. Each lovemaking time is to be entered with this anticipation: I am here to enjoy myself and my spouse. But I will not enjoy this experience if I demand any of the following: that as a man I have to get or keep an erection; that I have to do a certain thing in a certain way; that as a woman I should get aroused and/or be orgasmic; that I should please my partner; or that I must perform in a certain way if the experience is to be satisfactory.
We recommend that you don't even expect intercourse as a necessary part of having a loving, touching get-together. The only criterion is that what you do must be pleasurable to both of you.
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR PLEASURE: A TWO-WAY SYSTEM
Enjoying each other's bodies and letting each event take on its own character is most possible when each person feels comfortable pursuing his or her own desire for touch. Each of you takes responsibility to go after your own desire for pleasure. This is not at the expense of your spouse. Rather, each of you will develop your awareness and knowledge of what is negative for the other. You will exclude those negatives from your range of options until the other person's perception of that aspect of pleasuring changes from negative to positive. (The idea of going with the conservative partner is found in Chapter 23.) There are usually unlimited possibilities for pleasure without violating your partner.
This is a two-way system. The first part, which we have just described, involves taking responsibility for yourself in the pleasuring experience. The assumption behind this is that you please your spouse the most when you are not preoccupied with pleasing, but are fully enjoying yourself sexually and focusing on soaking in pleasure and enjoying your spouse. This may sound more selfish than pleasing, but we find it the reverse. When you are concerned about doing what is best for the other person rather than enjoying yourself,
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This man will usually not have had sexual intercourse before marriage. His avoidance of sexual involvement has been based on his own unrecognized fear of emotional intensity rather than biblical standards. When he has his first sexual experience with his new wife, if she is wildly and intensely expressive, he feels somewhat overwhelmed and a little frightened by the whole experience. He starts avoiding, suggesting sightseeing rather than lovemaking. She is confused and feels he does not want her. Since he is not used to negative emotional expression, her tears of rejection make him feel anxious. He experiences her sadness as a demand he cannot live up to. And so their downward spiral begins. Sex is now a demand, not a pleasure.
THE ABILITY TO RECEIVE PLEASURE
The acceptance of the right to pleasure is essential to experiencing all of what God intended for us sexually. In addition to being able to accept pleasure, we must be able to receive pleasure. The feeling that you are a worthy person is central to being able to receive sexual pleasure. You must have the sense that you are valuable and that you deserve to have good things happen in your life. Good, pleasurable sensations in your body are to be enjoyed. You can relax and know that your spouse is enjoying the experience. When this feeling of self-worth is missing, you will feel uncomfortable with sexual. pleasure. You may feel embarrassed or guilty about allowing responsiveness. On the other hand, your lack of feelings of self-worth may take the form of anxiously checking with your partner to make sure he or she is being pleased. You experience no pleasure of your own, only satisfaction that your partner is having a good time. "Who am I to expect a good time?" A sense of worthiness is necessary to the pleasuring process.
FREEDOM FROM DEMAND
In addition to an attitude that you have the right to pleasure and a feeling of self-worth, freedom from demand is essential to the abil‑ ity to pleasure for pleasure's sake. Anxiety due to demand interferes
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nett bodily pleasure with sin cannot allow themselves to receive pleasure and feel good about it. One woman is not able to enjoy sex on a Saturday night because she will be going to church the next day, and she is unable to associate God and sex. For others, the sex act must occur quickly and in the dark. The man or the woman rushes their sexual times. The wife becomes very active with intense thrusting. Thus she brings her husband to ejaculation quickly because that is the only way she can allow herself to experience the sex act: in and out quickly. Unfortunately, both spouses are left frustrated and unfulfilled.
It may be that a person with the religious association of sex and sin can enjoy the sexual experience only when there are risk and guilt involved. For one couple, any sexual involvement they had before marriage was wild and exciting. However, those intense sexual feelings seemed to dissipate soon after marriage, and they began to doubt their attraction to each other.
At a time of deep disillusionment about their marriage and sex life, the wife happened to be working with a warm, caring male. She found herself incredibly responsive to him, and she even confided in him regarding her marital doubts. The outside relationship incidentally and unintentionally built until they became sexually involved. Her guilt about her wrong choices built even as the sexual pleasure and enjoyment with this other man intensified. She left her husband for the new man in her life. A divorce ensued. She married the man who had swept her away, and would you believe it, shortly after her second marriage, her sexual feelings for him faded. Sex was no longer enjoyable. This is usually the point at which the person or couple come for help and discover that the association of sexual pleasure with sin is interfering with the ability to enjoy sex in marriage.
Difficulty expressing emotions may also interfere with pleasure. This seems to be more commonly due to the cultural impact on men that says, "Big boys don't cry." Boys are not expected or allowed to be as emotional as girls. Thus, when a boy grows up in a home where either or both parents control their emotions and will not allow emotional expression, he is in double trouble. Not only does he have the cultural input, but also the emotional vacuum at home.
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My sexual relationship with my husband leaves me unfidfilled. He gets, I give. What are some positive steps to being able to enjoy mutual pleasure?
THE RIGHT TO PLEASURE
So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church. (Eph. 5:28-29 NASB, emphasis added)
Bodily pleasure is a biblical expectation. God created us in his likeness with the capacity to enjoy our bodies. This is analogous to the enjoyment that he finds in his body, the Church (see Chapter 4). Yet not all people can receive pleasure.
Morally rigid persons may tense up rather than relax and enjoy sen‑ suous feelings. A woman may tell herself, "Nice girls don't do such things." A man may rush past sensuous feelings to arousal and release. A person who was raised in a rigid, antisexual setting may associ‑ ate bodily pleasure with being fleshly and sinful. People who con‑
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system. This can then be used during sexual experiences to follow through with decisions made previously.
Here's an example of how this might work. One common discomfort for women is the man's tendency to manually stimulate the clitoris too directly, too intensely, and for too long a time. Usually the man has no idea that what he is doing is uncomfortable or painful for the woman. After she has shared that she frequently experiences discomfort from manual stimulation, the man will still need ongoing guidance to know what does feel good. You can have an instruction time where the woman shows the man and talks about it. But once you are into a sexually arousing time, that type of instruction will tend to kill the sexual feelings. Instead, use a prearranged nonverbal message that can flow with the feelings of the moment. For example, the woman might gently lift the man's hand to reduce the pressure, or move his hand to another location that feels hungry for touch. This is much easier for a man to take than the verbal message, "You're doing it too hard again."
When there is a particular kind of touch uniquely negative to you, you might decide that a tap on your spouse's shoulder is a reminder that those negative feelings are occurring. One man experienced his wife's touch as ticklish. Another woman could not stand to be kissed on the neck, yet when her husband was enjoying himself he might forget. Both of these people developed mutually accepted methods of signaling a need for change.
A positive, nonverbal cue can ask for more of a specific action that feels good. A woman might push her pelvis toward a point of stimulation that is bringing her pleasure. A man might move the woman's buttocks when she is in the top position if he needs more movement to keep his erection, or he might stop her movement to control ejaculation. There are many ways we can communicate with each other without using words. The important ingredient is that both the sender and receiver attach the same meaning to the nonverbal message. When positive nonverbal systems are developed within a couple's sexual relationship, the meshing of your worlds can be a beautiful, harmonious process.
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is an example of how you might practice empathy even when the message is about you:
Bill: You've gotten so much better—you used to want to have sex right when you felt like it. If it couldn't be right then, and if I didn't get an erection right away, then you'd pout.
Linda: You're feeling less demand from me. (Good reflection and focus on his feelings rather than on what he is saying about her.)
Bill:: Yes, it seems we've both learned that if one of us isn't turned on, we can enjoy cuddling and that's okay.
Linda: So there is more relaxation in realizing our pleasuring times can be an end in themselves, rather than having to lead to intercourse.
Bill: That has really made me want to get together with you more often.
With Linda's consistent reflection of Bill's feelings, he was able to move from talking about her to talking about himself. For many of us, being an active listener when we are hearing negative messages about ourselves is not easy.
This disciplined, effective, verbal communication does not work well once sexual excitement begins. So this work has to occur before or apart from sexual arousal. We do not hear as accurately when we are aroused by intense sexual feelings. Getting with the sexual process is really flowing with your own internal experience, so it is contradictory to work on empathy once you are into a sexual experience. This does not mean that you switch to being cruel, selfish, or insensitive at the expense of your spouse. Rather, you focus on the enjoyment and pleasure of the moment, respecting the guidelines previously established about what is violating to your partner. We will build on this principle in the next chapter.
Because verbal communication is not at its best during sexual excitement, sexual decisions must be made away from the lovemaking event. In the process of making decisions about what is best for each of you sexually, it is helpful to develop a nonverbal signal
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mood for each experience. Each time of coming together has discovery in it. Sometimes it may evolve into fun—silly, giggling events. Other times might be sad but close, or tender with much vulnerability. Intense, passionate expressions will occasionally predominate your lovemaking; some of your times together might seem like raw erotic expressions. Then there will always be times that seem rather functional. That is, one or both of you need the physical or emotional closeness and release, but you experience little more than that. These functional sexual experiences are acceptable and need not be seen as a negative sign about your relationship—so long as they don't become your primary sexual expression.
Communicate
What role does communication play in the whole meshing process? Effective verbal and nonverbal communication can enhance the process of becoming one. To feel one with each other, it is critical that each partner feel heard by the other. This requires empathy, which is a major part of active listening. Empathy is more than a mechanical technique. It is the ability to enter into another person's feelings instead of defending your own. In addition, it is the ability to communicate with the other person in such a way that he or she feels you are in tune.
It takes discipline to practice empathy and active listening, to achieve an awareness of our own feelings and reactions. We discipline ourselves to acknowledge our own feelings, to be real about them, but not to let them interfere with hearing and being with the other person. The more emotionally difficult an area is for us, the more disciplined our practice of empathy has to be. The best way to practice empathy is to reflect and clarify. Reflect what you have heard and sensed from the other. Listen and observe with all your senses. Sort out your own reaction and set it aside. Then feed back what you've heard and seen. After that invite the other person to clarify and expand the original communication.
It is most difficult for us to remain nondefensive and be in tune with the other person when that person is talking about us. Following
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If being freshly washed is important to you, but it is not important to your spouse, take the responsibility to let your need and desire be known. Don't play the game "If he loves me, he will remember." It probably has nothing to do with his love or lack of it. It is simply a difference in what is aesthetically important to each of you. Avoid placing demands on your spouse to remember what is important to you. It will make the atmosphere much more relaxing if a system has been prearranged in which the one who remembers has a humorous way to remind the other to bathe, or whatever is needed.
It is best if each of us can realize that our spouse will sometimes forget the messages we have communicated about what we like. Usually that is not an indication of lack of care. Rather, it is an outgrowth of the fact that sexual pleasure and satisfaction are internal experiences. In the process of learning about her sexual needs, Suzanne discovered that having her breasts stimulated when she was lying on her back felt repulsive. She had always assumed that all breast touching was negative, but found that she really enjoyed having her breasts fondled and kissed when she was on top of Jerry. During one positive pleasuring experience, Suzanne and Jerry were lying side by side on their backs. They were relaxed and enjoying each other. In this comfortable state, Jerry reached over and started expressing his warm, affectionate feelings by caressing Suzanne's breasts. He was not thinking of her previous request, nor did he intend to violate her in any way, yet she became irate because he did not remember such a specific request. To Suzanne, it was a clear message that Jerry did not value her. She felt violated. Her reaction placed incredible pressure on Jerry. The message he received was that he'd better be vigilant and on his toes at all times.
If Suzanne had been able to incorporate this attitude, she could have responded with: "Let me get on top of you so I can enjoy your touching me," or "Right now I do not feel like moving into a more comfortable position for breast play, but I would love to have you roll over and we could just hold each other."
Having taken care of aesthetic barriers, you can start at your present positions and then move together. This tends to create a new
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have concerns that are difficult to put aside, it might help to share these concerns with each other and in prayer with God. Together praising God for joys, accomplishments, and excitements of the day is a way of being one. What you have experienced in your day will affect the time and effort needed to feel together in each sexual experience.
Eliminate Barriers
Tackle any barriers that prevent the two of you from feeling free with each other. Perhaps one of you has some negative feelings toward the other that have not been resolved. You need to talk these over.
Oftentimes aesthetic or physical barriers also stand in the way of true togetherness. Many people are repelled by bad breath, bodily odors, or certain aspects of the partner's appearance, yet they find it difficult to discuss these barriers. If there is something physical about your partner that makes it difficult for you to feel one with him or her, it is best to share it.
When possible, a physical barrier that is a sensitive topic should be discussed at a time other than the actual meshing time. For example, if bad breath really turns you off and your spouse has bad breath every time he eats onions, pick a comfortable time to talk about how that bothers you. Then the two of you can come up with a loving way to discuss the situation so it does not interfere with your meshing process. Develop a prearranged symbolic message that will communicate the need to do something to reverse the interfering negative situation. Something like, "I think we need a mouthwash break," or "A mouthful of peanut butter would help things a lot right now." The message will be better received if delivered in a lighthearted and nonoffensive manner.
Vaginal odors or infectious discharge can certainly get in the way of sexual togetherness. Keep freshly washed. Try wearing all-cotton underwear, which gives the vaginal area more opportunity to air out. Sometimes blow-drying the external genitals or the use of a heat lamp after baths or showers can help keep the vaginal area dry and free of discharge. (Naturally, you will need to be careful not to burn yourself.) If these precautions don't correct the situation, see your gynecologist for assistance.
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The production line broke down at the plant, two team managers called in sick, and you almost ran out of gas on the way home from work. At home, your wife has had her own management problems: Your eightyear-old son punched the neighbor girl, the toilet flooded, and the baby has an eye infection. Now, plan a loving time for the evening.
A TOTAL-PERSON RELATIONSHIP
Getting in tune with each other or meshing each other's worlds is a total-person process. It is becoming "one flesh" as the Hebrews saw it—uniting spirits, emotions, and bodies. All three are necessary to a satisfying relationship. Sex that is just a union of physical bodies cannot be a satisfying communion experience. God intended sexual intercourse to be much more than just physical release. When total togetherness is missing, trouble usually ensues!
Spending time together enables two people to mesh. Having been together, you will be more likely to have a sense of each other's feelings. Meshing takes more effort, care, and tenderness when you have come from separate and consuming outside places. You may need to spend time chatting—catching up with each other's worlds. If you
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rubbing bodies together. For these people, their bodies express their desires more easily than words.
Others are direct with verbal messages of initiation. "I'm really feeling turned on. Let's go to bed and make love," for example.
Then there are others who are much more subtle and indirect in their initiation. In our culture this has tended to be true of women more than of men. However, we are finding that the trend is changing, and women are becoming more direct. For some men, a woman's increased directness stimulates a tendency toward hesitancy and timidity.
If you are a subtle initiator, it is important that you take responsibility to make certain your desires are clearly communicated to your spouse.
As long as both spouses are clear about the message being communicated, subtle, symbolic methods of initiation can add spark and intrigue. You might use pet phrases, fix a love nest, come to bed in the nude, prepare a romantic dinner for the two of you, light a candle, bring flowers; or, as you get totally free with each other, you may have fun with more ridiculous messages. One man appeared in the bedroom with a bow tied around his penis. Another man took everything off except his white shirt and tie and came in carrying his briefcase and a rose. One woman pasted hearts over the appropriate spots on her body. It's fun to be creative. Remember, within marriage the Bible has no restrictions on your behavior, as long as it's loving. Being sexy with your marriage partner is a plus, not a negative!
In summary, it's important to reduce stress concerning who initiates sexual play and when, where, and how that initiation takes place. Then initiation will assume a healthy role in the total sexual picture, rather than presenting a barrier or being a source of tension. Initiation can also be cultivated to enhance a merely adequate sexual relationship where more spark is desired. The needed ingredients are removal of demands, freedom within oneself, and unconditional acceptance of each other.
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WHERE—CREATIVITY WITH SENSITIVITY
Finding new and fun places to enjoy each other's bodies can give new spark to a rather "ho-hum" sexual relationship. This is one of the ways to create an ever-changing mood that allows each experience to be a new one. The variety in itself is a delight.
There are really only two limits on where you might plan a sexual nest. One is that the place chosen provides the privacy needed by both of you. For example, your backyard might be an option for you but would make your spouse feel very uncomfortable. If it's not comfortable for both, it's not a possible place. However, if you're the one who has always been hesitant about feeling private in the backyard, and you decide you'd like to push yourself a bit, that's fine.
The second limit is that your choice of a place must respect other people. You may be totally uninhibited but your neighbors need to be protected from your sexual activities.
It can be fun to plan a new place. You can plan together or surprise each other. In all situations, remember to be sensitive to each other's need for privacy. A lock on the door of the chosen room usually relieves anxiety about being interrupted. Taking the telephone off the hook prevents fear of intrusion. Closing windows, doors, and drapes can encourage freedom from noises. A secluded yard or area is necessary for outdoor play. Once the privacy needs have been cared for, let your minds run free. The swimming pool at night has been a fun variation for some. A new room in the house, a different bed, a love nest in the family room or living room are all options. Or you may want to be so different as to take your pickup camper to the grocery store parking lot!
HOW—SYMBOLIC MESSAGES AND DIRECT INVITATIONS
Different people initiate sexual activity in different ways. Some indi‑ viduals tend to express themselves with direct physical activity. This may be a combination of kissing, fondling, hugging, caressing, or
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doesn't usually happen just by recognizing the need or the desire for it. Start by talking about how your limited concepts about when sexual activity should occur developed. Then plan some times together that are different from your usual times. It's best if planned times are designed primarily for sexual pleasure, with the option of intercourse if that is desired by both.
Little children in the home may limit flexibility. Plan around their schedules, or find ways to be free of them periodically. Maybe you can get away from home or have the children cared for out of the house. It will be more difficult to allow spontaneous initiation if you have young children or anyone else present in the house.
There are other ways in which the "when" of initiation can cause tension. Timing can sometimes be used to sabotage the relationship. This usually happens when anger has built up in the relationship or when there is anxiety about performing sexually. The way timing manifests itself varies. It may be that the woman is most alert and responsive in the morning, but the man always initiates sex at night when she is tired. Or he has his fullest erections and is most sure of his responsiveness in the morning, but she says she's just not a morning person, and then complains when he's not responsive in the evening. One partner may insist that sex always has to occur before a certain time.
Whatever the reason, they never seem to be able to get on the same timetable. We will talk about other forms of sabotage in Chapter 20.
To reverse problems with timing, try scheduling times agreeable to both partners. This may involve compromise, perhaps alternating with each other's preferred time. Or it may be that neither time is used, and several new, mutually agreeable times are selected. Again, it is important to make sure that your planned time together will be free of interruptions and pressures. The time period should be long enough so that neither of you feels rushed at either end of the experience together. The goal of the time together must be enjoyment and pleasure, without demands for response or intercourse. Allow each sexual experience to be what it will be!
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4. Make sure this time is free of interruption—telephone off the hook, kids at friend's house or down for the night, the two of you away at a motel—whatever it takes.
5. Plan for adequate rest on a regular basis—have a baby-sitter come in one hour a day so the wife can nap; the husband may cut down on commitments, and so on.
Once both partners are free to express sexual desires when they feel them, most couples enjoy mutual and spontaneous initiation. Mutuality means that both feel equal freedom and responsibility to initiate when the desire is there. It can also mean that the desire grows mutually out of contact with each other. That is, instead of sexual desire starting in one person and that person approaching the other, the feelings grow spontaneously between two people. This may happen while working together, playing together, or just being together. When the old, demanding pattern is broken so that each of you is free of the negative feelings, the good feelings flow. However, be alert to difficulties creeping in. Plan for correction before negative patterns are formed again. Obviously the most relaxed style is the ability to feel free with your own sexual desires and to be accepting of your spouse's. That way either one can express desires as they are felt, without causing conflict.
WHEN "WHEN" IS A SOURCE OF DIFFICULTY
The same flexibility and spontaneity that are the goal for who initiates are also ideal for when sexual encounters are initiated. It is helpful if neither of you holds rigid stereotypes of when it is appropriate to enjoy lovemaking. You may always have associated sexual activity with going to bed at night. Once the lights are turned out and you have both crawled under the covers, you will roll over to your spouse and start fondling with the intention of proceeding to intercourse. That's the only time you envision as a lovemaking time. This clearly does not allow for flexibility and spontaneity.
If you are in a rut, you will need to make clear plans to open the door to sexual encounters at other times of the day. Flexibility
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1. Set a time span (for example, one week or slightly longer than your usual time lapse between lovemaking events).
2. Rules for this time span:
For husband: Back way off—no sexual approach, not even a hint—don't bring up the topic. Be affirming of wife—warm, loving, but make no sexual advances.
For wife: Be responsible to initiate intercourse once during this period of time. Be free to initiate by any method that is possible for you. If you want to initiate but are having a particular difficulty, you may bring up the topic and discuss your feelings and anything that might be helpful to you.
3. At the end of the time span, set aside a minimum of two hours to talk about what happened or didn't happen, and what it felt like. If the designated time elapsed and the wife didn't initiate, discuss a plan for the next time span. Or perhaps she initiated, but he didn't catch on. Maybe she sat down close to him while he was watching TV. She snuggled up to him and rubbed his neck in an attempt to get something started, but he just kept on watching TV. Discuss what sort of behavior each of you perceives as sexual initiation.
Problem: Fatigue (for One or Both of You)
Before you get into a plan for breaking an old habit, start by defining how each of you sees the problem.
1. Look at your reasons for fatigue. Are you a mother of small children, getting up at night with a baby? Are you a husband who arrives home late and must get up early for work or other responsibilities? Are you depressed? Or is fatigue your way to escape involvement? If the cause is one of the last two (depression or escape), you need to work with a therapist or counselor. If it's a lifestyle problem, then proceed to the next step.
2. Agree that time together each week or every other week is a priority. This together time must occur when neither of you is tired.
3. Schedule specific time to be spent together: an evening, two hours at lunchtime, two or three hours in the morning, a weekend or day away every now and then.
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b. Plan a two- to three-hour block of time for the two of you to be together when you won't be distracted or interrupted—preferably when you are both at your best, and not when either of you is exhausted. A breakfast or lunch date usually works best—at a restaurant, having a picnic, or staying at home without children and with the telephone off the hook.
c. During the allotted time, start by reading each other's writings from step a above. In reading, focus on what the other person is saying about himself or herself. Try to really step into the other person's shoes and feel how he or she experiences the difficulty. This may take concentration. The more natural response is to see what the other is saying about you, and then to become defensive or start arguing or attacking him. The latter reaction will stifle progress.
d. Apply active listening skills (see Chapter 12) to feed back to your partner what you have understood about him or her from the writing. Work hard on reflecting how you sense your partner experiences the sexual initiation situation.
e. Partner: Clarify and expand on what your spouse has learned from your writing (e.g., "Yes, and another way I sense that is . ."; or "I know that's what I said, but when I hear you say it I realize what I really meant was . . ."; or "If that's what I said, it isn't what I meant; let me try again").
f Repeat steps d and e, reversing roles.
g. Agree on the need for change.
h. Make a plan that reverses the old pattern. That is, the approaches will not make sexual suggestions, just be affirming. The avoider will be responsible to initiate an agreed-on number of sexual encounters within a designated time frame.
EXAMPLES OF PLANS TO REVERSE INITIATION PATTERNS
Problem: The Man Always Initiates
After discussing what the situation feels like for each of you and deciding on the need for change, you might make a plan similar to this:
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the day. She is beautiful, well rested, and in her negligee. The children are in bed. She has a beautiful candlelight dinner set up for the two of you. Instead of feeling appreciative, you think, Oh, no, not again. .I'm just not up to it tonight. But you feel guilty for thinking that, and you try to express appreciation for her caring intention.
After many such events, you experience more and more tension about the demand you feel being placed on you. You either start coming home later or you blow up over the smallest conflicts with your wife. And so another form of approach-avoidance has developed. Talking about your feelings at a time away from the event is the only way to break the pattern.
There are many other versions of this same dilemma. If you have fallen into such a problem, what is your version? How can you break into the situation? You need to take decisive action.
EXERCISE 7
Resolving Initiation Problems
Here are steps you can take to resolve an initiation problem:
1. Have a casual time together in which you decide you both want to talk about your sexual initiation patterns. If one of you is the initiator in suggesting there is a problem, do not blame your spouse for it! Rather, own the problem yourself. This means that you use "I" statements rather than "you" statements. You might say, "I've been desiring intercourse more frequently." Avoid a statement like, "You never seem interested in intercourse anymore." Tell how the situation affects you and what you bring to the situation, rather than what your partner is doing wrong. For example, "I end up being afraid to take the lead because I don't want to be rejected again."
2. Plan a time to work on the difficulty. During that planned time, follow the next steps:
a. Each of you spend at least an hour alone writing out how you experience the dilemma. What do you see happening between the two of you? How do you participate in this problem—what is your role in perpetuating the difficulty? What feelings does the entire experience trigger for you?
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often than he really wants it. His wife would like him not to bother her and feels that she never even has an opportunity to suggest getting together sexually because he wants it all the time. She feels bombarded and unable to get in touch with her desire. So she resists or avoids his approaches. You can see how the pattern perpetuates itself: The more she avoids, the more anxious he becomes, so the more he makes advances. This increases her feeling that demands are being placed on her that don't allow room for her desire to build, and so the pattern continues.
This approach-avoidance pattern may have developed as a result of varying levels of sex drive, interest, or desire for frequency. It may be that one of you has an intense sex drive, but after a sexual time with your spouse, you have a sense of release and satisfaction for quite some time. Your partner may be the opposite. The release may not be as complete, so there is more ongoing desire, or a satisfying experience may serve to heighten interest for one of you.
If you are a young mother with several preschoolers you're probably tired most of the time. Sexual encounters sound like a good idea, but by the time of day you're available for such activity, you feel exhausted. Therefore, your interest rarely has an opportunity to be expressed. Your husband is probably young and full of sexual energy and can't understand what's wrong with you. This very real difference in sexual interest may lead to an approach-avoidance pattern if the two of you do not talk about the dilemma and plan ways for you to be rested and available.
You may be a thirty-five-year-old businessman or professional at the peak of establishing your career. Your sex drive is so used in pursuit of your vocation that your frequency of desire for sexual activity has decreased significantly. In contrast, your wife finally has time for herself, and so her frequency of desire has increased. The children are in school. She has time to bathe leisurely, manicure her nails, and play tennis; she is much more in tune with her body. You may experience her constant state of readiness for sexual encounters as a demand that makes you feel inadequate.
You walk into the house exhausted. You're late for dinner. Your mind is still going a mile a minute, thinking about the decisions of
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Breaking Down Stereotypes of Male-Female Roles
The stereotype is that the man is and should be the sexually aggressive initiator. The woman is to use somewhat manipulative tactics to get him to approach her. For some couples this works. But there are many marriages for which these expectations are disruptive.
Here again, you may need to have a frank discussion with your spouse in which you examine the initiation pattern in your sexual relationship. What percentage of the time do you see yourself initiating, and what percentage do you see your spouse initiating? Often there are discrepancies in how each partner answers the question. The husband may see himself as initiating 90 percent of the time; whereas the wife may feel that each one initiates 50 percent of the time. If you discover that your views are quite different, don't try to settle whose view is accurate. Each person's experience and perceptions are his or her own; therefore, the way each of you feels is accurate. What is important is to try to "get under the other person's skin" to discover the other's view. Maybe the differences lie in the way each of you defines initiation. For example, the "90 percent" husband may not be conscious of his wife's cues, so he doesn't realize how often she has communicated a subtle message intended to cue him.
After you've each discovered how you would define the frequency of your initiation pattern, talk about your feelings concerning that pattern. Is it working for the two of you? How much stress or anxiety does each of you experience around the issue of getting sexual times started? Work through the exercise Resolving Initiation Problems described later in this chapter.
APPROACH-AVOIDANCE GAMES
One typical problematic initiation pattern that develops is the approach-avoidance game. One person sees it as his or her responsibility to get sexual activity going, so he makes frequent approaches to the other—using sexual overtures, dropping hints, or making direct suggestions. He feels as if he has to mention it eight times if it's going to happen once. So he is anxiously suggesting sex far more
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My husband wants me to initiate sex sometimes, but I just feel so self-conscious and awkward—it seems that he should initiate.
WHO INITIATES?
It is not uncommon for a woman to be frustrated, crying, and complaining that nothing is happening sexually between herself and her husband. As we gather data and put together a total picture, what emerges is rather interesting. After she describes her husband's excessive involvement in his career and lack of sexual approach to her, we will usually ask, "What keeps you from approaching him sexually, since you're the one wanting sex and he apparently doesn't have the drive?" The response is often a blank look or a stumbling for words. Finally, the answer comes: "I just never thought of it." She may have given all sorts of subtle hints and become upset because he did not respond. The husband usually didn't even catch on that his wife desired sex. Perhaps she mentioned that she'd like to go to bed, or she wore a special nightgown, or she was waiting up for him when he came home late at night. But she never let him know the real meaning of these symbolic, subtle expressions of her sexual desire.
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Nudity can be enjoyed in many ways. One young couple really enjoyed playing in the nude—playful pinching, poking, and caressing—but the man panicked if they were together in the nude to have sexual intercourse. We encouraged them to engage in nude play that involved more and more total-body involvement without any expectation for intercourse. We had them go home and roll together in the nude, embracing and interlocking their bodies. They also learned to make some use of coverings that they could have fun with. And that allowed him to be more comfortable. Nude swimming in the privacy of one's backyard pool is enjoyed by many couples. There are limitless possibilities.
Other ways to have fun and to play together with or without leading to sexual intercourse include the teases that enhance. It's critical that the teases do not carry a jab or put-down, or pick on a sensitive issue. Rather, the tease has to be for the fun of it and must not carry a hidden loaded message.
Resisting in a fun way is a tease that can enhance. This is the message that says, "Come on and try to get me," or "See if I'm available." Just pulling away slightly can be particularly evocative when used by the person who has tended to be the aggressor. It is not suggested for the person who has been the resister in the relationship, since it might be taken seriously.
The man needs to be as active as the woman in creating new ways to tease and in preparing enjoyable surprises. One man came running out of his bathroom without any clothes on. He leaped over the bed on which his wife was lying, and then asked her to guess what Bible verse he was acting out. The verse was, "Listen! My lover! Look! Here he comes, leaping across the mountains, bounding over the hills. My lover is like a gazelle . . ." (Song of Songs 2:8-9). They've had fun with that ever since.
Whatever variation you use—however crazy it might seem—if it creates fun and laughter and does not have to lead to intercourse, you have a good start on keeping alive your total sexual expression with each other.
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The atmosphere can be varied rather easily. This can be done with lighting. The variations thight include no light, candlelight, dim light, or bright light. You might find the visual enjoyment of each other's bodies is enhanced by varying the placement of a candle or lamp. The sheets, blankets, or comforters can be varied. Some couples enjoy the smell of incense burning. Others enjoy the use of perfumes or colognes. Others may prefer the smell of a natural, freshly bathed body.
In addition to having fun experimenting with the setting for playing together, you can enjoy many other areas of experimentation. Clothing can be varied. If you have tended to start fondling each other with nightclothes on, crawl into bed some night and let your spouse discover you in the nude. On the other hand, if you are a couple who are in the nude during most of your physical touching time or getting-ready time, you may find it much more arousing to use clothes to add new intrigue. Try a suggestive nightgown or nightshirt, a T-shirt, bra and panties, briefs, or a "fig leaf" When nudity is a threat to one or both of you, covering can be used in a fun, playful way to distract from the blatant exposure that triggers anxiety.
You can have fun with using different ways of covering the body to avoid being threatening. It's not necessary to make an issue of trying to overcome an inhibition about nudity. Instead, you can work with it; you can be creative and have fun with it; you can distract from it so it doesn't get in the way. One couple worked around the wife's inhibitions by developing fun ways to circumvent the problem. For example, she might wear something that covered her and yet was sexy, such as a sheer nightgown. Another idea is to tie scarves around the appropriate places. Try anything—the more fun and the sillier the better—that will help you get past a problem with nudity. Then, if you do want to learn to be more comfortable with your own and your spouse's nudity, you can try some of the exercises in Chapter 6. That is work, however, not fun and games. The work you put into the exercises will lead to more freedom with each other, but is not a creative experience in itself. Creativity may follow when you gain added freedom.
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It will add spark to your relationship if you and your spouse take turns choosing the place and creating the atmosphere. This idea provides newness and an element of surprise. (The next chapter provides additional suggestions.)
Sometimes it takes some struggling together to come up with alternate locations and provide the privacy both of you need. One couple, Marilee and Bob, had six children ranging from two to seventeen years of age. The little ones awakened early in the morning, while the teenagers stayed up later than their parents at night. Marilee and Bob found that they were rarely getting together sexually. And when they did, they were under pressure to hurry in the morning or be quiet in the evening. Without a conscious awareness, they had developed a routine that took about three minutes. It was entirely predictable from start to finish. Sexual intrigue had left their relationship soon after their second child was born sixteen years before.
Finding new locations and creating new atmosphere took some problem-solving creativity. They organized Marilee's craft and sewing room so they could add a hide-a-bed and keep the room tidy. This provided an alternate location to the bedroom. The teenagers were enlisted as part of the plan. Marilee and Bob told them that Mom and Dad needed some special nights together. From the little smiles on the kids' faces, you could tell they had caught on. There's an example of a great job of modeling by parents!
The plan they worked out was as follows: After nine o'clock two nights a week, the teenagers were limited to the family room, the kitchen, and their own bedrooms. In exchange for some favors, they were asked to be responsible to get up with the younger children on Saturday mornings. This gave Bob and Marilee three blocks of time each week free of interruption, thus assuring privacy. They now had two possible locations that alleviated the need to be quiet and provided the framework they needed to experience some new life sexually. It worked!
When there are no children or other people in the home twenty-four hours a day, any location in the house that is comfortable, free of distraction, and private is an option for creating a new setting. Your van, pickup camper, or private backyard are other alternatives.
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your sexual relationship? Even if you are not experiencing any particular demands or stress, your sexual times may lack spontaneity. They may have become routine. Maybe you tend to get together at the same time and in the same place, and you both behave in much the same way. The script is written before the first kiss.
INITIATING CHANGE
When things have become humdrum, you need to start with both of you recognizing the need to change. The next step would be talking together about how each of you would like to change. This conversation will be more productive if you talk about yourself, rather than the changes you desire in your spouse. If you start outlining desired changes for the other person, you inhibit freedom rather than encourage it.
It is important, too, that the discussion about changes in your sexual relationship occurs away from the bedroom. If you read this section and get the idea you'd like to start talking with your spouse about enhancing your sexual times, it would be best to plan a special time to do this. If you mention what you have read the next time you crawl into bed to make love, it will probably cause a hassle and end that lovemaking attempt. Your ideas will be much less threatening if you say, "I've been reading a hook about sexual enhancement and have some ideas that sound neat and fun for us. I'd love to take you out to tell you about my thoughts and hear your ideas."
Once the two of you agree that you'd like to have more playful fun together sexually, the door is wide open for ways to make it happen.
A good place to begin is to change the location and the setting or atmosphere of your sexual encounter. The location is the room or area of the house (or the place outside the house) where you get together sexually. The setting or atmosphere involves what you do to modify the location. For example, you can vary the lighting; you can reverse your position in the bed by putting your feet at the "head" end; you can use a comforter on the floor or by the fireplace instead of having your sexual experience in bed.
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Experiencing affection without intercourse is an essential part of marriage. As we mentioned in the theological discussion in Chapter 3, this dimension of our humanness, our potential for relationship, sets us apart from the rest of the animal world. We are made in God's image; thus, our sexuality is in the image of God.
Cuddling and holding and caressing, without expecting or fearing they will lead to intercourse every time, are essential to the well-rounded sexual relationship. If this possibility is not present, the one needing to cuddle will draw back from any affection for fear that it will lead to intercourse. Traditionally it has been the woman who draws back from touch because she is not free to go with what she feels. Often the man pushes for more because he expects resistance from the woman. When both partners are free to let the play go in the direction they mutually desire, knowing that the hesitant one will not be violated, cuddling without demand becomes natural. On occasion, the man or the woman may be left aroused but unfulfilled, but as long as that does not become the usual pattern, it need not be a problem.
FREEDOM AND CREATIVITY
A sense of freedom and a desire to be creative are necessary elements of a couple's being able to play and have fun together. But a person will not experience freedom and creativity in the relationship if he or she encounters demands. These may be internal demands or demands the spouse imposes. In either case, if the person is concerned about doing it the right way (pleasing one's partner), "turning on" the other person, or having a sexual response, he or she is not likely to have much free, enjoyable sexual play.
If either or both of you are aware of these pressures or demands, you need to discuss and deal with them before you attempt to add fun and creativity to your sexual experience. (You will find suggestions for such discussions in various chapters of this book. For example, if you are experiencing demands in the area of initiation, refer to Chapter 11 for help in overcoming those demands.)
How might you as a couple bring about freedom and creativity in
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"It seems the only interest my husband has in me is to have (get) his sexual goodies. I wish we could take more time to talk and be affectionate."
It seems that men in our culture have been conditioned to sexual release rather than to total-body pleasure and emotional intimacy. After some time of living with a husband who is focused on only the physical dimension of the sexual experience, a woman feels used and devalued.
A great resource for understanding boys in our culture is the book Bringing Up Boys by Dr. James Dobson. Boys learn two things that prepare them to be men who seek fast physical release. The first is that boys are not to be tender and emotional. Recently at a swim meet we observed a father with his four-year-old son. This father was affectionate and used expressions like "honey" in addressing his son. The woman sitting next to us mentioned how unusual and beautiful it was to see a father and son interacting with the tenderness one would expect of a mother and daughter. This father is a psychologist, which may contribute to his ability to break out of the traditional role interaction. Or it may be that as a boy he experienced the same emotional tenderness from his father. Whatever the case, boys need more modeling of tenderness from fathers and more encouragement of the expression of feelings from all the significant adults in their world if they are to grow up to be men who can relax and enjoy sexual pleasure and emotional intimacy.
The second message that affects boys is this: The sooner you reach your goal, the better you are. This is true of most sports. In addition, most teaching or modeling of success in business has reflected this attitude. The focus has not been on enjoyment of the moment, but rather on reaching the goal quickly
Girls continue to be given more opportunity for sensuous enjoyment through music, ballet, and other girl-dominated extracurricular activities. In these activities the focus is on the good feeling of the movement and the control and expressiveness of the body. As we have observed in our own children, this is very different from the challenge of getting the ball into the goal area or running to home base with one hit.
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Sometimes I just want to cuddle but don't particularly want to make love. Doing this gets my husband aroused—then he wants to make love. What can we do to work this out?
When a couple is dating and getting to know one another, they usually play and touch, tease and laugh together. Once they are married, this physical playfulness may diminish. It's easy to get in the habit of rushing through all the fun and getting down to "real" sex. The cuddling and affection are lost. The playfulness is not fulfilling but is designed to lead to fulfillment. We even often call it foreplay, as if it is not part of the whole experience. When we can freely and creatively enjoy one another without demand or expectation, our loving takes on a new dimension.
AFFECTION WITHOUT EXPECTATION
We were giving a seminar at an evangelical church in our community. The message we received from the surveys of a number of the women were typical of what we regularly hear. "How can we have fun together, be affectionate and caring, without sexual intercourse?"
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likes to be scratched with fingernails while the other prefers fingertips. Taking responsibility for your own pleasure includes honoring your partner's preferences.
This leads to a second point. In addition to taking responsibility for identifying, communicating, and pursuing your own sexual desires and needs, each spouse is responsible to communicate and redirect when the other is doing something violating or negative. This ensures that going after your own pleasure will not take place at the expense of your lover. Chapter 12 gives suggestions for nonthreatening ways to redirect your partner.
To summarize this concept of responsibility, you and your spouse will be most relaxed together in your lovemaking if each one pursues the pleasures that give him or her the most enjoyment so long as you know these will not be negative experiences for your spouse.
Sexual desire or interest is not something someone else can provide for you. It is something already in you by creation that you have to allow to surface. There may be conditions, as we have discussed, that are necessary for that to happen. Your spouse must be cooperative with those, but not responsible for them. Desire is not something to be added on or gained. You don't have to learn how to desire. All of us have been designed with sexual urges. If you don't freely and spontaneously have sexual interest, there is some distraction, hormonal imbalance, anxiety, or barrier blocking its free expression in you. You need to uncover and correct the problem to free the natural desire that is in you.
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Many who have been raised in the church have come to marriage with the idea that their responsibility as a Christian spouse is to please the other. Somehow the biblical concepts of love, mutual submission, and giving of ourselves have all taken on the meaning of doing the things that will make the other person happy or pleased. There is nothing wrong with our being pleasing to our spouse and bringing him or her happiness. In fact, that is likely to be the result when we are loving, giving, and mutually submitting. However, when our goat (rather than the result) is to please and make the other person happy, we are likely to be anxious. This anxiety will cause stress instead of pleasure and happiness.
Because of this tendency to translate being loving into pleasing, and thereby causing anxiety and stress in relationships, we advocate that you take responsibility to know, communicate, and pursue the activities that will meet your sexual needs, without placing demand on each other. The sexual response is something that happens in your body. It is personal and loaded with emotions. Each individual differs from every other individual, and each individual differs from one experience to another. You can't count on all women wanting to have sex "this way" or men "always wanting . . . ," or even this particular woman or man responding to the same thing in the same way every time. Because of the beautiful and complicated creation you are, there is no way your spouse can consistently guess what would please you. However, you usually know what you like, so you should take the responsibility to go after that desire, but never at the expense of the other.
When a spot on your back itches, you have to tell someone exactly where it itches and how you'd like to have it scratched. There is no way someone else can automatically know exactly where you itch and scratch it just right. Similarly, no one can read your mind to know exactly what will give you the most pleasure sexually at this time, in this experience.
However, there are some general things you and your spouse can learn about each other's likes and dislikes that you can automatically incorporate into your lovemaking—just as you may know that one
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one woman reported. The fact that she knew that he knew what she wanted would destroy her response to his action.
We meet separately to talk with wives and then husbands at our weekend seminars for couples. The wives usually have messages they would like us to tell the husbands about what would make their sexual experience more positive. This occurs at the end of a twelve-hour time that has provided regular, structured communication experiences focused on enhancing the couple's sexual relationship. Some women seem to think it is okay if their husbands are informed about what they desire, but the messages cannot come directly from the wives. Such openness evokes a fear of destroying the mystery or the romance. It is ironic that these are usually the relationships in which sex has little or no romantic quality or spark to it.
Keeping secrets from your spouse about what you desire is a bar rier to sexual fulfillment, not an asset. Let's destroy the mystery. Humans are unique individuals with emotions that vary greatly from one sexual experience to another—and this fact provides the possibility of continually making new discoveries. The more you know about yourself and about what you desire, and the more you communicate those wishes to your partner without placing demands on him or her, the more enhancement you can expect.
Identify it, communicate it, then practice it. Above all, if you're the one with the need, you take responsibility for getting that need met. When it's something you can provide for yourself, do that. If it's something you need from your partner, work it out with him or her so that it is not experienced as a demand. For your need not to be received as a demand, it must be clearly communicated as your need and not something inadequate about your spouse.
ASSUME RESPONSIBILITY
The concept of taking responsibility for oneself is central to sexual enhancement and critical for reversing sexual problems. We will refer to this concept throughout the book, so this is a good place to explain it.
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Sometimes there may be a specific action you need from your spouse. For example, one man has a problem with lack of desire. If he and his wife ever do get involved sexually, he has no problem with arousal (getting and maintaining an erection), and he has learned to control ejaculation. But he rarely thinks about sex, and he experiences his wife's suggestions as demands. Thus, they might have intercourse every two or three months. Yet he was very aware of his sexual desire before marriage when sexual intercourse was ruled out because of their standards. Then there was no demand, so there was no anxiety to burn up his sexual energy.
As this man explored his problem, he remembered that his first panic hit when his bride took off her panties on the wedding night. The female genitalia were an unknown, and they represented a demand for performance. He was sure he could not measure up; thus his anxiety blocked his desire. It would have been helpful to him if his wife had left her panties on until he could cope with the problem, but he did not feel comfortable communicating this to her. His wife would have been willing to cooperate with him had he shared his need.
Think about your own situation. Is there something, however small, that would reduce your anxiety and increase your desire to be together with your spouse in a sexual experience? Communicate this to your husband or wife. Set aside a special time for this sharing—a time each of you knows is designated for talking about your sexual activity. The individual with the need should assume the responsibility for initiating such a talk time.
When couples work to identify needs in order to feel sexual desire, they normally discover that although each person knows his or her individual needs, there is a reluctance to communicate these to the spouse. Often they think, If I am that blunt about what I would like, it'll take all the fun, spontaneity and mystery out of it. There is the idea, particularly among women, that the man should intuitively know what the woman needs. This is somehow a sign of his love. "If I tell him that his bringing me a gift, a flower, or something special turns me on, then I don't think it will work anymore,"
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Outside commitments often interfere. Many of us are busy because of community and church involvements. If those commitments crowd our lives so much that we have no relaxed block of time to spend together as a couple, those involvements probably are not advantageous. Whether you are a Young Life leader, a pastor, a PTA president, or an involved community person, your time commitments to organizations cannot replace your time commitment to your marriage. Marriage is a God-ordained institution that does not function effectively when it is not given enough time or priority. Just as a car does not continue to perform at a maximum level if it is not serviced routinely, a relationship cannot maintain its maximum effectiveness if it is not given regular, focused attention.
Children can be a distraction. Mothers with preschool children frequently find that their sexual desire has lessened considerably. Their energy is being burned up. Any mother with a toddler and an infant will need to have some relief from the responsibility of caring for the needs of two almost totally dependent children. Even a mother with just one child in either of these age groups will probably feel the need for some time in which she is free of demands. A child with health problems or a behavioral disruption can cause so much stress for the parents that they find themselves having little sexual interest in each other. Very often, getting away from the stressful situation for several days will help the couple revive their physical desires.
IDENTIFY AND SET POSITIVE CONDITIONS
In addition to clearing out distractions and, in that process, allowing opportunity for one's feelings of desire to surface, it is important to spend some time identifying what works for you. Think back on your life together. When have you felt the most interested in your sexual relationship? Where were you? What kind of setting was it? What was going on in your life at that time? Was it in response to something you did for or with your spouse, or something he or she did for or with you?
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achievement, or focusing on sports. When creativity requires a great deal of energy, the person will have little sex drive left. Therefore, this person will feel less desire for sexual involvement. This lack of desire can be helpful for singles, but it can be detrimental to a marriage relationship. Stress is likely to develop when one spouse is burning up energy in nonsexual pursuits and the other wants more sexual involvement.
In addition to being used up for creative production, the sex drive may be burned up by emotional stress such as anxiety, depression, or conflict. A person suffering from this sort of stress may have little or no sexual desire.
Since sexual desire is an outgrowth of sex drive or the energy available in the body, nutrition, exercise, sleep, and hormonal cycles affect the energy available for sexual involvement. Thus, making certain that your body is well nourished, hormonally balanced, properly exercised, and adequately rested should enhance your sexual desire.
ADDRESS PROBLEMS
What if you're not particularly aware of getting interested sexually? Perhaps your sexual energy is not accessible to you. Chapter 26 addresses problems with sexual desire. If you have a chronic lack of interest—more than just a temporary reaction to your life being too full and not having enough space—refer to that section.
CLEAR OUT DISTRACTIONS
For those who live complicated, busy lives, there may never be a natural time to feel sexual. To correct this problem, you must start by clearing out distractions. Begin the process by making a decision about the television. Many people have the TV on most of the time when they are home together. It is a constant distraction. You may need to turn it off and spend some time alone together. We often recommend moving the TV out of the bedroom. Sometimes putting it in the garage for a month nudges a change in patterns.
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romantic movie or television show, being in a setting that feels romantic, or even seeing someone who may be a friend or a stranger.
Sensuous input may also come from within. Perhaps no particular event or setting stimulates your sexual desire; instead, your sexual awareness may grow out of a relaxing, body-oriented time. You might be exercising, bathing or showering, relaxing in the sun, or oiling your body. When "getting interested" is not a problem, sexual desire may be triggered spontaneously by natural internal sex drives.
ALLOW COUPLE TIME
Spending time with your spouse is likely to get you interested sexually. This is particularly true if your sexual experiences are fulfilling and free of anxiety. We find that working together or playing together tends to draw us in that direction. This is one of the advantages of writing a book together. As we become one emotionally and mentally, the physical response is automatic. This is particularly true if the times together are not burdened with stress or high expectations.
We recommend that all couples plan regular times to be together. These times must be free of demands such as expectations for sexual intercourse, obligations regarding children, pressures from work, and distractions by other external involvements. Come together without restrictions or preconceived ideas, so you can create something special and unique for your time together.
CONSERVE ENERGY
Having sexual energy available to you is necessary for sexual desire. Sexual desire is different from sexual arousal. Arousal is your body's response to stimulation. The four physical phases of sexual response as described in Chapter 8 have to do with sexual arousal—release. This is a process of physical change that occurs in the body.
On the other hand, sexual desire is a manifestation of our sex drive or libido. Some use this sexual energy for creative production such as establishing a new business, being submerged in musical
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You are pushing your grocery cart down the pet food aisle when you become aware that the song playing on the music system is making you feel bouncy.
You lie down in the warm sand at the beach, and the warmth seems to radiate up through your body. You feel good all over.
As you pay for lunch you see the picture of your spouse in your wallet. You get that yummy feeling inside that makes you want to be with him or her. Desire is being stirred.
How does the desire for sexual involvement get started for you? There can be many sources of sexual arousal in your world. You may or may not be aware of responding to these. You might not even notice what stimulates or decreases your sexual interest. Following are some suggestions of things you can do that will have a positive, direct effect on your sexuality.
ATTEND TO EXTERNAL AND INTERNAL STIMULI
Many kinds of outside stimuli serve to get you in touch with your body. For some people such stimulation includes listening to certain kinds of music, reading a sexual or intimate book, watching a
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period of time. It is as if they cannot quite make it over the hill. Finally, they give up and let down. Because there has been no orgasmic release, resolution takes several hours or more. They often are left feeling unfulfilled and wanting.
The fourth graph pictures what some women experience who were raised in alcoholic or emotionally chaotic homes. These sexually ambivalent women have serious difficulty letting themselves feel aroused—but once they do get aroused, they respond very intensely. As soon as the orgasm ends, the resistance returns.
EXERCISE 6
Graphing Your Sexual Response
Using the graphs on pages 86 through 89, which summarize the primary male and female bodily responses during the four phases of the sexual experience, and the variations just described, we would encourage you to graph your own sexual response pattern. You may choose the graph closest to your experience and then vary the graph line according to your individual situation. After drawing the graph, fill in your bodily responses in as much detail as is available to you.
If you are a person with a sexual problem such as lack of arousal, difficulties with erections, or others, identify at what point your response or arousal stops. What are you aware of happening at that point? What are your thoughts or feelings? What is going on between you and your spouse? What do you sense needs to be different to allow your response to accelerate rather than stop?
We suggest that you and your spouse complete your graphs individually. Then read each other's and have the other person explain his or hers to you. When you are the listener, work hard at sensing what your spouse experiences rather than defending yourself or describing what you experience. When you are the one relating what you feel, concentrate diligently on talking about your feelings, not on blaming your spouse. This sharing experience is an important step to understanding each other in a way that can bring enhancement to your sexual experience.
OUR BODIES' SEXUAL RESPONSE 89
Phases of the Sexual Response—Length of Time
0
Tr,
C
SE1
0
0
• ui C
FEMALE SEXUAL RESPONSE 43: VARIATION IN LENGTH OF TIME AND INTENSITY
OUR BODIES' SEXUAL RESPONSE 89
Phases of the Sexual Response—Length of Time
Excitement Plateau Resolution
OUR BODIES' SEXUAL RESPONSE 89
Phases of the Sexual Response—Length of Time
Phases of the Sexual Response—Length of Time
many times as she desires and her spouse is willing. The orgasms may be pursued in rapid sequence or there may be more letdown and relaxation between orgasms. When she feels satisfied, she allows her body to relax and return to its prestimulated state.
The third graph represents a discouraging dilemma for many women. For them, arousal comes naturally and easily. They hit the peak of the plateau phase, feel intensely aroused, experience waves of arousal, but stay pretty much at the same level for an extended
OUR BODIES' SEXUAL RESPONSE 89
Phases of the Sexual Response—Length of Time
FEMALE SEXUAL RESPONSE 44: VARIATION IN LENGTH OF TIME AND INTENSITY
OUR BODIES' SEXUAL RESPONSE 89
Phases of the Sexual Response—Length of Time
Excitement Plateau Orgasm Resolution
88 THE GIFT OF SEX
Phases of the Sexual Response—Length of Time
FEMALE SEXUAL RESPONSE #1: VARIATION IN LENGTH OF TIME AND INTENSITY
Excitement Phase Plateau Phase Orgasm Resolution Phase
Phases of the Sexual Response—Length of Time
Intensity of Arousal
would trigger an orgasm. Her arousal may intensify upward rather steadily, as the graph demonstrates. One variation may follow the same general pattern, but the woman may experience her upward intensity in waves that have flowing dips, as the dotted-line graph would indicate. As the sex drive and tension build, whether steadily or in waves, this woman experiences an orgasmic release with very little tension loss, and she is quickly stimulated to the point of another orgasm. This may happen twice, as the graph shows, or as
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Phases of the Sexual Response—Length of Time
FEMALE SEXUAL RESPONSE #2: VARIATION IN LENGTH OF TIME AND INTENSITY
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Phases of the Sexual Response—Length of Time
4'
Excitement Plateau 0 R 0 Resolution 0 = Orgasm
R m Resolution
tensity of Arousal
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SEXUAL RESPONSE PATTERN FOR WOMEN
-law Level of Sexual Arousal -
Excitement Phase
External Genitals: Clitoris lengthens Outer lips
spread flat
Internal Genitalia: Vagina lubricates (within 10-20 sec.)
Uterus elevates Total Body: Nipples become
erect
Breasts enlarge Characteristics: Arousal
Plateau Phase
External Genitals:
Clitoris retracts under hood
Inner lips turn bright red and enlarge (about 1 min. before orgasmic response)
Internal Genitalia:
inner 2/3 of vagina expanda Outer 1/3 of vagina
thickens and contracts,
i forming orgasmilc.
platform /
Total Body:
Skin flushes p e
abdomejf, chest, etc. Foot copfracts downward •IcarRopedal spasm) Heafrate increases Blood pressure rises ,P4Ivis thrusts
iMuscles tenseCharacteristics:
Entry may occur at any time
Majority of love play
Orgasmic Phase External Genitals: No noticeable change
Internal Genitalia: Outer 1/3 of vagina contracts 3 to 12
times ., es
otaf Body:
Rectal sphincter contracts
Foot spasms continue
Heart rate
increases more Blood pressure rises more Breathing
increases
Facial muscles contract
Gasping occurs Characteristics: Shortest, but prnhoLteintense Internal
experience
Resolution
Phase
External Genitals: Clitoris returns to normal size Inner and outer lips return to normal size
and position
Internal Genitalia: Cervix opens
slightly and drops into
seminal pool . terns drops
.‘ack toward fraQst of pelvis Vagina collapses and t'hins
Total Bo
Relief of
vasoconge tion and
engorgement Skin perspires Muscles relax Breasts and nipples return to prestimulated appearance
Characteristics: Tension loss
Reversible
Phases of the Sexual Response
responses graphed by women who have attended our seminars. To see these patterns, refer to the graphs on the following two pages.
The first graph pictures the woman who is quickly aroused. She experiences her arousal building in peaks followed by short dips, and with effective stimulation moves rapidly to an intense orgasmic release. As her buildup is rapid and her release intense, so she also returns to her prestimulated state (resolution) rather quickly. The woman with this intense response pattern may feel satisfied with one release, as the graph depicts. A few women may have the drive to pursue more love play with repeated arousal and response.
The second graph is a description of the woman who enjoys extended love play before she goes after the intense arousal that
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SEXUAL RESPONSE PATTERN FOR MEN'
-go. Level of Sexual Arousal - -Ow
Excitement
Phase
External Genitals: Penis becomes erect as it
rushes full of blood
Scrotum
thickens and partially
elevates
Internal Genitalia: No significant change
Total Body: Nipples become erect in 60%
of men
Characteristics: Arousal
„,.
i
Plateau Phase External Genitals:
Penis engorges more and deepens in color
Fluid containing sperm seeps from penis Scrotum thickens
Internal Genitalia: Testes enlarge
Right testicle rises and rotates early
When approaching point of no return, left e'stical
rises and rotate .,, Prostate contracts
Seminal vesical contracts/
Total Body:
Skin fltishes on chest,
neck', and face
Fo,di contracts downward lcarpopedal spasm)
eart rate increases
Blood pressure rises
Pelvis thrusts
Muscles tense Characteristics:
Entry may occur at any time
EjaculatoryEjaculatory control must
be learned for extended love play
Orgasmic Phase External Genitals: Penis contracts, expelling the seminal fluid Internal Genitalia: Seminal‘duct
ystem contracts .,
Total Body:k4,
Rectal sphinAer contracts
Foot spasms continue
Heart rate
increases more Blood pressure rises more Breathing
increases
Facial muscles contract
Gasping occurs Characteristics: Shortest, but most intense phase
Internal
experience
Resolution
Phase
External Genitals:
Penis becomes flaccid
Scrotum thins and drops Internal Genitalia: Testes descend and return to normal size
Total Body: Relief of vasocongestion
and
engorgement Ski•erspires Muscles relax
Characteristics:
.i..,,
Tension loss
Not usually\ reversible
(rest period required
before more arousal)
Phases of the Sexual Response Adapted from Masters and Johnson,
Human Sawa, Response (Boston; Little, Brown & Co 1966).
lg
<
15 -E P
,...:. it
VARIATION 4 Excitement Phase
n
MALE SEXUAL IN LENGTH
Plateau Phase
RESPONSE: OF TIME AND
Orgasm
INTENSITY Resolution Phase
Phases of the Sexual Response—Length of time
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men report that the glans or head of the penis becomes very sensitive to touch after an ejaculation and because of this, they want to quickly disengage from their partner. The man may not have told his wife this because he feels uncomfortable or embarrassed about it. It is important to know that a significant number of men feel this postejaculation pain. If you experience such discomfort, it is crucial to share this with your partner so she can be sympathetic and understanding rather than taking your withdrawal as rejection.
It is rare for a man not to experience orgasm. However, there are some men (especially older men) who do not need an orgasm and do not feel frustrated without one.
GRAPHING THE SEXUAL RESPONSE
Throughout this chapter, we have described what happens to men and to women in each of the four phases of the sexual response cycle. The graphs for men and women on the following pages demonstrate these phases.
The curved graph on the top of the next page that summarizes the sexual response pattern of men's bodies to positive stimulation represents a composite of responses rather than any individual man's response.
The male sexual response pattern might look more like the chart at the bottom of the next page.
There is not much variation among men in the intensity of the response they experience. There is considerable variation, however, in the amount of time each phase might take. Thus the graph might be spread out more or it might be compacted into a briefer experience, but the height of the intensity in each phase would tend not to vary much.
Just as the curved graph for men is a composite of all men, so is the women's graph on page 87. However, women vary infinitely in both the amount of time each phase might take and in the intensity of the response.
Using four simplified patterns, we have represented the possible ways a woman might respond. These closely represent most of the
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as this happens. The vagina, cervix, and uterus move back into their prestimulated stage, and the woman's whole body is relaxed.
If the woman has not had an orgasmic release, the resolution phase takes much longer. Some doctors have reported that the engorgement can last well beyond several hours. Many women will experience a significant amount of tension during this extended resolution period. A woman may cry, thus providing the physical and emotional release denied her by the lack of orgasm. Her crying may cause her to turn away from her husband in shame. This turning away is just the opposite of what both she and her husband need: warmth, affirmation, and reassurance. The human body is designed for sexual release; if arousal takes place without release, it is likely to cause discomfort. That discomfort can best be handled through mutual expression of care and affirmation.
If you are a woman who consistently experiences arousal without release, it is crucial that you share this with your husband. Let him know what your body feels like so the two of you can move closer together. There can be some relief just in being reached out to. He needs to know what you need.
What about multiple orgasms? A woman's body is designed so that she can have another orgasm at any point of the resolution phase. It can be five seconds, five minutes, or fifty minutes after the previous orgasm. There is no waiting or rest period necessary before she is physically capable of experiencing another orgasm if the stimulation is continued or renewed. Her body does not need to return to its prestimulated state before it can be responsive again. This is not to say that having more than one orgasm is better, or that sexually "together" women will desire this. The point is that, physically, if she desires it and can allow it, the woman's orgasm can be repeated indefinitely.
The Male Response
After orgasmic release, the man returns rather quickly to the prestimulated state. His erection may not decrease completely, but the penis is usually somewhat flaccid and the testicles lower. There is a loss in the tension buildup and in the intensity of feelings. Some
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can regain arousal, erection, and release. Although, the authors of The G Spot say men can learn to have multiple orgasms, we would be hesitant to encourage that as a goal lest it become a demand?
· A woman's orgasm can be interrupted at any point; once the man starts his ejaculatory response, he will ejaculate! Nothing can stop his ejaculation. Men can control their actions and they also can learn to control their response before they reach that point of ejaculation.
· The longer the time between sexual experiences with release, the wider the gap between men and women in their eagerness and responsiveness. If a sexual experience is the first in a long time, a woman will be less aware of her need for sex and tend to be slower in her arousal and have more difficulty letting go. A man's felt need for sex intensifies and he will tend to move quickly to arousal and release. Because of this tendency for men and women to go in opposite directions, we believe we were created to have sexual release regularly. The biblical teaching in I Corinthians 7: 3-5 affirms the importance of coming together on a regular basis.
· Women experience more difficulty with and pressure to have an orgasm. Men experience little difficulty with having an orgasm, but more with controlling the timing of their orgasms. Their pressure is to get and keep an erection and delay ejaculation.
RESOLUTION
The Female Response
For the woman the resolution phase varies significantly, depending on whether or not she has had release. If she has had an orgasmic release—whether this has come about as a result of manual stimulation or intercourse—the body goes into a rather quick period of tension loss. Everything moves in the reverse of what has occurred throughout the excitement, plateau, and orgasmic phases. The whole genital area is relieved of tension and congestion. That is, the extra blood flows out of the area. The woman may feel a tingling sensation
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but he will ejaculate! The ejaculation consists of contractions along the seminal duct system and the penis, which force the seminal fluid out the end of the penis. In younger men the force is more intense, causing greater spurts. The force of the ejaculation decreases with age. The contractions of the penis and seminal duct system are eight-tenths of a second apart. Men usually experience five or six such contractions, with the second and third usually the most intense. The expelled seminal fluid contains between 150 and 350 million living sperm, which will stay active within the vagina up to ten hours after expulsion.
Differences Between Male and Female Response
With every discussion of male/female differences, there will be exceptions. You may be one of those. As you read what is typical for women or what is typical for men, you may be saying, "But that isn't true for us." If the findings we report here don't fit the two of you, use this information to define your uniqueness and difference as a husband and wife. When we understand and embrace our differences as men and women, we minimize conflict and false expectations and maximize the enjoyment of our orgasmic response.
Differences between men and women in their orgasmic response:
· For women, the orgasmic response is a total-body experience with a flood of warmth throughout the body, whereas men tend to have primarily intense genitally focused sensations during release.
· Women vary in their orgasmic expression. They vary from one woman to another and from one time to another. Men seem to be more predictable and consistent in their expression of an orgasm.
· Women have the potential to respond indefinitely—with multiple and sequential orgasms. Not all women desire or feel the need for more than one response, but some do. In contrast men, except for about 1 percent, need a refractory period of at least twenty minutes. Usually it is several hours before they
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come from a husband who feels he is less of a man because he can't get her to have an orgasm during intercourse. It is as though his worth is dependent on achieving this goal. This mentality is in contrast to our suggestion that each person be responsible to pursue his or her own sexual desires as long as it is not at the expense of the other.
The Male Response
We have said that during the excitement and plateau phases the man's penis becomes erect, the skin of the scrotum thickens, the right testicle rises and rotates toward the body, and the seminal fluid begins to gather. The male orgasmic phase can be described as having two stages:
Stage 1: As a man nears the end of the plateau phase and moves into the orgasmic phase, he begins to notice that some changes are taking place. He senses that he is getting ready to ejaculate. Most men can identify when this occurs, though they usually do not know what is happening to their bodies. They are approaching the point of no return.
A number of changes take place during this first stage of the orgasmic response. Contractions in the prostate gland occur at intervals of eight-tenths of a second. The outlet (sphincter) from the bladder closes off so none of the seminal fluid will be pushed back into the bladder nor will any urine escape during ejaculation. Most men are aware that immediately before or after an ejaculation it is almost impossible to urinate. This is because the opening from the bladder has been closed in preparation for the ejaculation. Another change now takes place. The left testicle pulls up toward the body and rotates about one quarter of a turn (the right testicle elevated during the plateau phase; see Figure 7, page 74). All these changes take place in a few seconds. They are warnings to the man that he is about to ejaculate. In addition to these warnings, the seminal fluid gathers near the base of the penis in readiness for expulsion during the contractions that occur in the second stage of the orgasmic phase.
Stage 2: When a man reaches the point of no return, or ejaculatory inevitability, the ejaculation will take place. He can try to stop, the phone can ring, or a bucket of water can be dumped on his head,
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a woman can experience. All orgasms, regardless of the source of stimulation, are exactly the same in terms of their physical components. When a woman has an orgasm, whether it is the result of her thoughts and fantasies, self-stimulation, breast stimulation, manual stimulation by her partner, or intercourse, exactly the same things happen to her body as were just described. There is the formation of the orgasmic platform, the contractions in the outer third of the vagina, the contractions of the uterus. All the bodily responses occur regardless of the source of stimulation.
Since Masters and Johnson's research, women have reported a difference in sensation between an orgasm from internal, vaginal stimulation and one from external stimulation. The reports on G-spotstimulated orgasms indicate that those are different from orgasms resulting from external stimulation.
The G-spot, an area named after Dr. Ernst Grafenburg, was written about in medical literature in the early 1940s but then left unnoticed for forty years. This area is located on the upper inside of the vagina just beyond the upper, inner edge of the PC muscle. When a woman is aroused and the G-spot area is stimulated by her husband's penis or finger, she may respond with a very intense orgasm that tends to feel like a bearing down sensation. For some women, this intense response is accompanied by a release of fluid called a flooding response or female ejaculation.2
Some women who have experienced orgasm from both external and internal stimulation report that they find these two to be different on an emotional level. For them the orgasm during intercourse is more fulfilling than the orgasm brought about by external stimulation. This is a matter of personal preference for a woman. There is nothing wrong with striving for an orgasm during intercourse, unless that becomes an inhibiting effort. There is also nothing wrong with being satisfied having an orgasm as a result of external stimulation. In fact, some women report a more intense response when the penis is not in the vagina.
Many times the pressure on a woman to experience orgasm during intercourse is a serious deterrent to full satisfaction. This pressure may
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ventilation). There may be a great deal of involuntary muscular movement—thrusting of the pelvis and spasticlike contractions of the face, arms, legs, back, or lower abdomen. There is a specific response that occurs in the foot called a carpopedal spasm, which is a straightening out of the foot in a clawlike contraction, where the toes curl downward and away from the body (hyperextension). These are all involuntary responses that are orgasmic triggers.
Many times the contractions of the face, particularly the mouth, are of great concern to women. Some women like to make love with the lights out because they do not want to be seen making these "unladylike" responses. In the face, the contracting muscles sometimes give the appearance of a frown, scowl, or grimace. The mouth may open involuntarily with a gasping kind of reaction that often indudes some involuntary sounds or words. Once a woman can accept the fact that all these reactions and noises are a natural part of the sexual response, it may become easier for her to let herself be responsive with her husband. Many women are surprised to find that rather than turning off their partners, these bodily responses will usually heighten a man's arousal.
Vaginal vs. Clitoral Orgasm. Much has been written and many misconceptions have been passed on about various kinds of female orgasm. It is important to understand the background of these myths. When Freud was developing his psychoanalytic theory, in some of his writings he defined the woman who had achieved orgasm only through external or manual stimulation as an "immature woman"—in fact, a little girl. He said that as a woman matured into full womanhood she would obviously have her orgasm in the "normal" adult manner: that is, as a result of vaginal penetration through intercourse. These concepts have been disseminated throughout the Western world and used to put pressure on women to experience orgasm during sexual intercourse. The research of Masters and Johnson has proved Freud's theories to be physiologically inaccurate, and thus has diminished the potency of Freud's argument from a psychological perspective.
Masters and Johnson found that there is only one kind of orgasm
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and eight to twelve contractions for an intense orgasm. These contractions occur at intervals of eight-tenths of a second. This is true for all women and is the same as the spacing of the contractions in the man. As the outer third of the vagina is contracting, the inner two-thirds is expanding even farther to form a place for the seminal fluid.
Women have two centers of orgasmic response. The orgasm is experienced not only in the vagina but also in the uterus. The uterus undergoes contractions similar to the first stages of labor. Some women have reported that they experience a dull pain in their lower abdomen. This may be due to the uterine contractions that occur. Once a woman's fears have been allayed through the explanation that this is a normal response, she learns to enjoy the intensity of those contractions rather than to experience them as painful.
We knew a highly intense woman who was very responsive in the initial phases of the sexual experience, but then, as she moved into the orgasmic response, she would draw back from further stimulation to avoid the lower abdominal discomfort. This had been true of the first eight years of her married life and was particularly noticeable when she was extremely aroused. As she learned to relax and let herself enjoy the abdominal feelings, her experience shifted from sensing the contractions as pain to experiencing them as intense pleasure. This confirms the close relationship of pain and pleasure in our bodies. Just as a very intense pleasurable sensation can easily shift to being painful (refer to graph on page 47), a painful sexual feeling may change to intense pleasure.
While the centers of the orgasmic response are in the vagina and the uterus, the sensations that grow out of this center cover the whole body. It is analogous to dropping a rock into a pool of water. The most intense reaction is at the center where the rock is dropped, but the reaction continues to move out in wider and wider circles.
These total-body responses occur in both men and women. Many of these begin during the plateau phase and reach their peak with orgasm. Let us enumerate them. The heart rate increases up to 180 beats per minute. The blood pressure often rises measurably. The breathing intensifies, becoming deeper, faster, and noisier (hyper‑
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is important to note again that since this orgasmic platform includes only the first third of the vagina, or about an inch and a half to two inches, the preoccupation with penis size is of little real consequence. The most important part of the vagina for penis contact is this orgasmic platform area, which at the most is two inches in length and can tighten or expand to any width.
ORGASM
This is the phase that elicits the most attention. It is the most intense phase of the sexual experience, yet it lasts the shortest period of time and is experienced mainly internally and individually. The orgasm does not focus on the relationship. This is often the phase talked and written about as the ultimate and central parr of the whole sexual experience. Yet we have talked with many couples who, although they have little difficulty with orgasm, are very unsatisfied with their overall sexual experience. So as we begin the discussion of the orgasmic phase we want to look at it in proper perspective.
We see the orgasm as an essential ingredient when there is intense sexual arousal. It is important, but not something that is to be focused on to the exclusion of all the other phases. Some women, particularly more passive or low-key women, find pleasuring and affirming more necessary than release. Men over age forty may end a sexual experience feeling fulfilled without an orgasm. The orgasm is a reflex response. An orgasm is not a response that we can will, but if we allow the right kind of stimulation, we can expect that the reflex of the orgasm will follow (see Chapter 17).
The Female Response
As a woman moves into the orgasmic stage, various changes happen within the body. The clitoris and inner and outer lips remain basically the same as they were at the end of the plateau phase. The genitally centered feelings of the orgasm (see Chapter 17) are due to the strong vaginal contractions in the orgasmic platform. Masters and Johnson have measured three to five contractions for a mild orgasm
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from one time to another. It is important to recognize that many women experience their building sexual arousal in a way that might best be described as waves. There is a peak and then an ebb or diminishing of the intensity of feelings—and then a new wave of sexual arousal. If a woman lets herself ride the waves, the peaks will tend to intensify. However, if this wavelike diminishing of sexual feelings is thought to be the end of her arousal, the woman may become anxious and stop her response from occurring in its natural wavelike pattern. The anxiety fulfills her fear. It, then, does end her arousal.
The signs of breast engorgement and the sexual flush, which were noted in the excitement phase, continue. Most of the changes take place in the internal genitalia. There are a few changes that should be noted externally first. The inner lips become bright red and increase in size. This occurs about one minute before an orgasm. The clitoris continues to be enlarged, but draws up or retracts under the hood and, as the arousal continues, becomes more difficult to locate. It is often extremely sensitive to being touched directly.
Internally, a number of significant changes take place. The uterus becomes fully elevated or pulled into position ready for the orgasm, with the cervix being pulled away from the thrusting penis (see Figure 6, page 73). The most important changes take place in the vagina. Blood rushes to the outer third of the vagina, causing it to become densely engorged and contract, forming what is called the orgasmic platform.
It is as if God designed the vagina for both pleasure and procreation. In terms of the reproductive purpose, the upper, inner two-thirds of the vagina balloons out and forms a pool to keep the seminal fluid containing the sperm inside the vagina. As the woman responds, the uterus, which lifted up and away earlier, now falls into the seminal pool, and the cervix of the uterus opens so the sperm can travel up through the cervix into the uterus for fertilization. For the pleasure purpose of intercourse, the tightening of the external third of the vagina functions as an extra stimulation to the penis and the vagina. This outer portion of the vagina thickens, contracts, and produces a grasping effect, holding the penis firmly in the vagina. It
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ing or reddening that occurs over the upper third of the body—the chest, neck, face, and forehead. It is more likely to occur in a room where the temperature is slightly elevated and in situations of extreme anticipation. This is observable in some men and women and not in others. It is not fully understood why the flush occurs for some people; it may be the result of complexion differences. We would hasten to add that it is not a matter of concern whether one does or does not experience the sexual flush; this may simply be an additional sign for some that sexual arousal is taking place.
PLATEAU
The Male Response
In the male, during the plateau phase the coronal gland or head of the penis deepens in color, due to greater engorgement, and continues to enlarge. During this time of extended love play, a small amount of pre-ejaculatory fluid seeps from the penis. (This fluid contains live sperm that can impregnate the woman. Because of this, withdrawing the penis from the vagina before ejaculation is not a safe method of birth control.) The skin of the scrotum continues to thicken, and the right testicle pulls in closer to the body and rotates about a quarter of a turn during the midpoint of the plateau phase. There is also a significant increase in the size of the testicles (see Figure 7).
Internally, the seminal fluid begins to collect in the area around the prostate gland. As the man moves through the plateau phase toward the point of orgasm, he begins to feel that he is reaching ejaculatory inevitability, or the point of no return (see Sexual Response Pattern graph on page 71).
The Female Response
During the plateau phase, the woman continues to enjoy stimulation. Some prefer a brief time of pleasuring while others prefer a longer period of love play. This is one of those needs or desires that seem to vary from one person to another, and in the same person
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both in terms of its type and its intensity. Note that the intensity of the erection will tend to fluctuate over a period of time and may be lost and regained during extended love play. The only factor in the way of regaining an erection would be anxiety about the loss of the erection, or some external event that may have interrupted the sexual experience. Erections are emotionally tenuous. An erection can be stopped very easily when some nonsexual event occurs such as the telephone ringing, a knock on the door, a change in the lighting, or any other interruption. Even a sharp critical comment can make the erection diminish.
COWPER'S
GLAND SECRETION
SEMINAL VESICLE
CONTRACTING PROSTATE
URETHRA
COLLECTION OF
SEMINAL FLUID IN
ENLARGED ERECT PENIS PROSTATIC URETHRA
ELEVATED AND ENLARGED Z T COWPER'S GLAND
TESTICLE, SLIGHTLY ROTATED
ENLARGED
THICKENED SCROTUM URETHRAL BULB
Figure 7: Aroused Internal Male Genitalia (Side View)
The other change that occurs for the man during sexual excitement is the thickening of the skin around the testicles. This is believed to occur in order to increase slightly the temperature of the seminal fluid as it is prepared for expulsion and fertilization of the egg.
About 60 percent of men also experience nipple erection. However, since a man's breasts are less prominent, the nipple erection is usually not as noticeable in the man as it is in the woman.
Sex Flush
One other bodily change that may take place in both men and women during the excitement phase is called a sex flush. It is a blush‑
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it begins to pull away from the vagina so as not to be in the way of the penis during thrusting (see Figure 6). When the woman happens to have a tipped or retroverted uterus, this pulling up and away of the cervix is less likely to occur because the uterus cannot elevate as it is supposed to. Thus, the woman with a tipped uterus may experience pain upon deep thrusting. A change in position during intercourse can lessen the likelihood of the penis striking the cervix. Exercises and help from the physician may be necessary to correct a tipped uterus.
FALLOPIAN TUBE
OVARY
ELEVATED UTERUS (WOMB)
BLADDER
PUBIC BONE
URETHRA
ENGORGED CLITORIS RETRACTED UNDER HOOD
ENGORGED AND REDDENED (INNER LABIA LIPS)
ENGORGED ORGASMIC PLATFORM (OUTER ONE-THIRD OF VAGINA)
Figure 6: Aroused Internal Female Genitalia (Side View)
OPENED CERVIX
EXPANDED INNER
-TWO-THIRDS OF VAGINA
RECTUM
&SPOT
AREA
BEADS OF VAGINAL ANUS LUBRICATION
The Male Response
The penis, like the clitoris, is the receiver and transmitter of sexual feelings. The main male response during the excitement stage is penile erection (see Figure 7 on page 74). To define it simply, the unstimulated or flaccid penis becomes erect as the man receives stimulation, either physically or emotionally. The erection occurs as a result of the blood that flows into the penis and is held there in the veins by valves that keep it from flowing back out as long as there is arousal. Erections can be maintained for extended periods of time without ejaculation, if the man is not anxious, and when the stimulation is varied,
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the receiving and transmitting of sexual stimuli. With arousal, the clitoris becomes engorged or enlarged, just as the penis becomes erect. The clitoris increases two to three times in length and size. Hunger for clitoral stimulation may result. Most women report that the caressing of the general area around the clitoris is more desirable than having the head, or glans, of the clitoris directly manipulated.
Other changes that occur in the external genitalia during the excitement phase are in the lips, both the inner and the outer. The outer lips, or the labia n2ajora, spread out flat as if opening up in preparation for receiving the penis. The inner lips, or labia minora, increase in size, extend outward, and become slightly engorged, forming a funnel shape. (To identify clitoris, inner lips, and outer lips refer to Figure 1 on page 46.)
The breasts, too, change during the excitement phase. They usually enlarge, becoming more rounded and full, with obvious nipple erection. This is one of the indications that we encourage a couple to watch for if the woman reports she is not experiencing any sexual arousal. What we often find is that the woman is in fact becoming physically aroused, with both lubrication and nipple erection. However, she is not aware of any feelings and hence reports a lack of arousal. As she becomes aware that she is responding physically, at least in the excitement phase, she can be encouraged to affirm her responsiveness and become more aware of the sensations associated with her arousal.
Moving to the internal genitalia, we begin with the vagina, which responds by lubricating within ten to twenty seconds after stimulation is received. Although lubrication has been thought of as the sign of readiness for entry, entry is not likely to be desired or recommended until much later. The lubrication that occurs can be understood by thinking of it as perspiration—little beads of lubrication that form along the walls of the vagina (see Figure 6 on the next page). Their simple function is to reduce friction and enhance the pleasure of the penis in the vagina.
The cervix, which is situated at the back of the vagina, is the opening to the uterus. As the uterus elevates with increased arousal,
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4. Finally, there is the resolution phase, during which the body returns to its unaroused state.
The specific physical changes that occur are basically the same from one woman to another and from one man to another. However, every person differs from one experience to the next, and there are certainly differences from one person to another. These differences primarily occur in timing, intensity, and feeling.
The responses that occur—the changes in the body—may be as a result of sexual intercourse, manual or oral stimulation, self-stimulation, caressing, deep kissing, fantasies, dreams, or visual input. Sexual intercourse is not necessary for a full sexual response, nor does intercourse ensure a full sexual release.
SEXUAL RESPONSE PATTERN'
Excitement Phase
Male: Erection
Female: Lubrication
Plateau Phase Entry may occur at any point
Majority of the lovemaking time
Orgasmic Phase Shortest but most intense phase
orgasmic contractions
Resolution Phase Reversible for women
Not usually reversible for men
male—point of ejaculatory inevitability
male—approaching point of no return
EXCITEMENT
The Female Response
Let's begin by looking at what happens to the woman during the excitement phase. Excitement can result from either physical or emotional stimulation. When this stimulation is received and enjoyed, sexual arousal produces external and internal changes. First, in the external genitalia, we note that the clitoris is probably the most important organ during the excitement phase. As you will recall, the clitoris is a unique organ in the human anatomy in that its only purpose is
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To help us understand the physical aspects of sexual response, Masters and Johnson were the first to define the sexual response pattern in four specific phases. These are the excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution phases. Although sexual experiences usually begin with sexual desire that precedes the excitement phase, desire is mainly an emotional response and hence will be dealt with in Chapter 9. The four phases of the sexual response cycle we will be discussing here are not distinct in terms of how we experience them. There is no "click" as we move from one phase to the next (see graph on next page). Physiologically, the intricate details of men's and women's sexual responses confirm God's masterful creative work.
1. The excitement phase has to do with our initial arousal. It is most clearly evidenced by an erection in the man and by vaginal lubrication in the woman.
2. The plateau phase, which is ideally the longest phase of the lovemaking process, is the period of love play during which arousal intensifies in preparation for the sexual release.
3. The orgasmic phase, the briefest, most intense, and most internal phase, is the release.
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and women can learn to actively go after an orgasm, not by tensing up and trying to make it happen (brain action) but rather by engaging in behaviors (SNS action) that will trigger this normal bodily reflex.
Several days after leading a seminar in a church, we received a call from Laura, who had been in attendance. She was calling to thank us for helping her respond sexually. When we inquired what had been so helpful, she reported that in her first four years of marriage she had not been able to allow herself to let go and have an orgasm. After hearing us talk about the nervous system, she had gone into her next sexual experience telling herself to let her body respond—or, as she put it, "to get with her sympathetic." In this experience when her arousal became intense, she got active and triggered her first orgasmic response. We don't tell this story to suggest it as the easy answer for women who have orgasmic difficulties, but rather to illustrate the importance of letting our bodies fulfill their God-given potential.
The orgasmic response can be actively pursued by the woman who has difficulty letting go, or can be delayed by the man who ejaculates prematurely. This is true because, even though these are reflex responses, they are triggered by messages that come through the sympathetic nervous system, the intense energy branch of our involuntary nervous system.
An analogy might help us understand this process. When the doctor is performing a physical examination, he taps the patient's knee to check his/her reflexes. The tap on the knee is a voluntary action that produces the reflex of the lower leg jerking. In the same way, when we engage in certain sexual behaviors (breathing, moving, stimulating the clitoris), and we don't stop the natural bodily responses, the muscular contractions of the orgasm will occur as a reflex response. One can stop his leg from jerking even if the knee is tapped. Even so, we can stop an orgasm from occurring when the necessary stimulation has taken place, but we cannot cause or will a leg jerk or an orgasm.
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bodies' responses in exactly opposite ways. Thus, together they can either increase or decrease the activity of our bodily organs. The PNS has an upbuilding effect on the body. It is in action when we are relaxed and more passive. The SNS is our "fight or flight," that is, our energy system. It goes into action when we are anxious or intensely aroused emotionally and has more to do with release than arousal.
Sexual excitement or arousal is controlled by the PNS. When we are aroused, blood and fluid rush to the genitals, producing the erection in the male and vaginal lubrication and swelling in the female. This is an involuntary response. Men have erections and women experience vaginal lubrication every eighty to ninety minutes during sleep. Likewise, when we allow ourselves to soak in sexual pleasure through what we touch or hear or see, our PNS will automatically cause us to become sexually aroused. This involuntary arousal will cause a man's penis to become erect and a woman's vagina to swell and lubricate.
Neither of these responses will occur as easily if a man or woman is trying to get aroused or watching themselves to see if arousal is occurring. When we are trying, our brain or head is in control and, again, interferes with the involuntary control of the PNS. We have found it helpful for some men and women with arousal problems to think of "getting with" their parasympathetic or getting out of their heads and into their penises or vaginas—going with the sensation of the moment. Another way of saying this is that we have to let our bodies respond without letting our brains get in the way.
Just as arousal is controlled by the PNS, the muscular contractions of the orgasmic response for both the man and the woman are primarily an SNS function. Our bodies shift from PNS dominance to SNS control just as we are approaching orgasm. The SNS is the dominant involuntary nervous system when we are active rather than passive. Therefore, the orgasmic response can be actively enhanced or inhibited by behavior. Our complicated brain centers trigger the sympathetic nerve system to produce the orgasmic reflex. What we do with our bodies, not our thoughts, can enhance this response. Thus, men can learn ejaculatory control by becoming more passive
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When men and women come to our offices reporting problems with desire, arousal, and release, most often we will ask that their testosterone levels be evaluated. It is important to know that both the total and the free (or bioavailable) testosterone levels need to be assessed. The bound level may be high enough to make up for a low free testosterone. The free is necessary for sexual functioning. When the free is low, we partner with the client's physician and recommend that women use a testosterone cream applied to the vulval area and that men either use a testosterone patch applied to the scrotum or a gel applied to their chest and upper arms.
We lead groups for men who struggle with sexual issues and for women with sexual difficulties unique to them. In leading groups for women with past sexual abuse or incest, we have found these women typically have low free testosterone levels. It is our belief that mind and body work in sync. When violated as a child, the woman shuts down on her sexuality, which affects her hormones. We are complex beings.
The endocrine glands produce hormones (including sex hormones) that stimulate the nerves to carry messages to the brain. The brain then sends messages back via the nervous system to our muscular and vascular (blood vessel) systems. This process produces sexual arousal and response. In turn, this response stimulates the glands to produce more hormones, which again send messages to the brain via the nerves, and thus the cycle tends to be self-perpetuating. Because of the building nature of our body's interaction, the more sexual arousal and satisfaction, the more drive. The reverse is also true: When one of the bodily systems interferes with or inhibits this naturally building cycle, arousal and/or response may be difficult.
SEXUAL AROUSAL
The autonomic or involuntary nervous system has two branches that affect sexual arousal: the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) and the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS). These function without our willing them or even being conscious of them. They affect our
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of seminal fluid, or what is more commonly referred to as a "wet dream." The boy should be made aware that this is a normal happening, but it is not necessary as a sign that he is developing. It occurs for some, not for others. Just as there is nothing wrong if a wet dream does occur, there is also nothing wrong if it doesn't.
The secretion of testosterone in the male reaches its peak in the early twenties, levels off, and then begins to diminish after age forty. Men sense these changes in their bodies and may become concerned that their sexual functioning will be affected. There are several effects of a decreased testosterone level on sexual functioning: There may be a decrease in frequency and urgency of desire for sexual involvement; the man may need direct penile stimulation to get an erection; the erection may not be as firm; ejaculation may take longer; or there may not be a need to ejaculate with each sexual experience. None of these need affect sexual enjoyment—nor are they causes for lack of response unless, of course, anxiety about these changes sets in. Aging slows down all body processes. A sixty-year-old man cannot run around the block as fast as a twenty-year-old. When it comes to sexual functioning for men, fast isn't equivalent to better. In fact, many women are pleased with the man's after-forty changes. These may be the couple's best years together.
SEX DRIVE
Why do some men and some women have much more interest in sex than others? Or why might the same person have higher interest at certain times of life and in different situations?
The miracle of God's creation is clearly evidenced by the intricate interaction of our minds, emotions, hormones, and physical wellbeing. Not only our unique creation, but also the experiences we have had throughout life and the physical condition of our bodies will affect our sex drive.
Our sex drive is triggered by hormones. Testosterone is the primary hormone responsible for sex drive in both men and women. It gives us the energy to get things done in life and is also the base for sexual desire, arousal, and release.
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should they put the child down for being self-conscious. Allow her to wear vests, fuller tops, thicker sweaters, or whatever happens to be acceptable attire at the time.
Make sure the child recognizes the parents as her advocate. Confirm the feelings of the child verbally, and actively participate in finding clothes that provide comfort, yet genuinely affirm the attractiveness of her developing body. Sometimes it's also helpful to discuss how other girls at her stage of development are dressing and how she feels about their choices. The child may have become so focused on herself, she thinks she is alone in this new adventure. When she looks around and sees that Heather, Allison, and Rebecca also have little bulges under their T-shirts, she may relax.
It is most important for children this age to sense that they are a part of the norm, that they are not unique. When they begin to develop earlier or later than their friends, they begin to ask the question: "Am I normal?" They need accurate facts and reassurance from their parents. Reading a book together or attending a class on changes of puberty will normalize the child's experience.
The woman's cyclic hormonal process continues for about thirty years from puberty until menopause, except during pregnancy and breast-feeding, when the cycle is interrupted. The bodily changes associated with pregnancy, breast-feeding, and menopause are likely to affect sexual functioning. Menopause causes a lessening of vaginal lubrication and a thinning of the walls of the vagina, which are best handled by using a lubricant during sexual intercourse, exercising the vaginal muscles, and using hormonal replacement therapy as directed by the physician.
From Boy to Man
"What about the increasing production of hormones in the young boy? Testosterone in boys increases gradually for about three years before puberty and then takes some big jumps, causing the commonly recognized changes of deepening voice, growing beard, broadening shoulders, and so on. The genitals also become larger and are surrounded by hair growth. Some boys may have a nocturnal emission
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hormones. This hormonal activity may be signaled by increased emotional fluctuations in the seven- to ten-year-old child.
Males and females have the same sex hormones, only in different proportions: estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone. For simplicity, we like to think of estrogen as the happy hormone, progesterone as the relaxation hormone, and testosterone as the drive hormone.
From Girl to Woman
In the young girl, the hormones (primarily estrogen and progesterone) gradually increase, promoting development of breast tissue, broadening of hips, hair growth in the genital area, and other changes that are indicators of a maturing body. When the hormones are first secreted they are very irregular. Within several years of the beginning of these changes, the girl's sexual cycle starts with the first menstruation. After the girl has been menstruating for a year or more, the changes in the level of hormonal production establish a monthly rhythmic pattern. The effects of these changes on the woman's emotional state and/or sexual responsiveness vary from one woman to another and in the same woman from time to time.
Sometimes early developmental changes in a little girl may elicit surprise or even panic. It is not unusual for the mother of an eight-or nine-year-old girl, especially if it's her first daughter, to take her to the doctor with concern that the girl might have a growth under one nipple. A nipple popping out early in the process is one more sign that hormones are being secreted. It is comforting to know that this early sign does not mean she is going to quickly develop into a physically mature "woman."
Most girls' breast development occurs very slowly. If the girl's nipples have budded at around age eight or nine, she may not have enough breast tissue to warrant wearing a bra until she is twelve or older. Some girls become self-conscious about their nipples showing through their clothes and others seem to be unaware that anything has changed. Either reaction is normal. Ideally, parents can help most by accepting the child's feelings either way; that is, parents should not lead the child to become self-conscious and cover up, nor
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Now that you have progressed through self-exploration and have shared your discoveries with your spouse, let's take a look at how you function: the impact of the physiology of human sexual organs on sexual functioning.
SEXUAL FROM BIRTH
All sexual parts are present at birth, and involuntary sexual responses begin shortly after birth. A baby boy has his first erection within five to ten minutes of birth, and a baby girl lubricates vaginally within twenty-four hours of birth. These responses are not accompanied by the sexual feelings that occur once puberty begins, but they are involuntary sexual responses that confirm our design as sexual persons.
SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT THROUGH LIFE STAGES
Even though all the sexual parts are present at birth, much of the development and functioning of these parts do not occur until puberty. About three years before any obvious developmental changes take place, the sex glands begin to secrete small amounts of sex