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Textbook Readings  for the week can be used for References

o  Dobson: Love Must Be Tough, ch. 10–13

o  Papernow: Helping Children Survive Divorce, ch. 1–2

o  Deal: The Smart Stepfamily, ch. 1–4

children. Describe 3-4 ways to help parents build resiliency in their kids following divorce. If you are a child of divorce, did anything in the readings or presentations relate to you? What helped you personally as a child? If you are a divorced parent, what did you do to help build resiliency in your kids? Integrate personal examples with this week’s reading.


Submit your 400-word initial post Friday.*Then I will post 2, 200-word peer replies that will need to be done by Sunday on Sunday. Make sure to support everything in all 3 of your posts utilizing this week’s readings/presentations. Cite references using current APA formatting at the end of your posts.



  200 words reply

Jordan 

“Whatever else divorce is for a child; it is at least a major learning experience. It is a brutal school with many hard knocks” (Hart, 1997). Being that modeling is a major form of education amongst children, the modeling that parents exhibit throughout the process of divorce can have a huge impact on what children learn from it. Divorce can teach children quite a few behaviors, both good and bad (mostly bad). Hart (1997) describes the behaviors learned as hate, distrust, sneakiness, lying, love, and kindness in response to hate, forgiveness and restoration for resentment and lastly patience and endurance in the face of impulsive urges. Parents are not only showing their children how to hate but that hating punishes people. Distrust is taught when children feel as though they cannot be open and honest without fear of being punished for it. Lying can be taught as parents avoid honesty with one another and/or their children during the process of divorce. Sneakiness can be taught when children are used as spies for one parent against the other and asked to report back.

When it comes to the good behaviors taught, love and kindness in response to hate can be taught to children of divorce when parents are able to place their personal grievances aside for the sake of the children. Forgiveness and restoration for resentment is vital as a child who is not taught how to forgive grows up not knowing how to forgive. Hart (1997) says that is important for divorced or divorcing parents to do everything possible to heal their resentment and practice forgiveness repeatedly. Lastly, patience and endurance in the face of impulsive urges can be displayed to children when parents trust God to provide these behaviors at times when tolerance is at its lowest.

While my parents divorced when I was only two years old, they constantly fought my entire life. Luckily, now they just don’t speak at all. In regard to this week’s readings, I can certainly relate to learning about lying and sneakiness from my parents. I was always told by my mother to not tell my father what goes on in her home. So, when my father asked certain questions, I was forced to generate a lie. I most likely learned hate from them as well because they certainly displayed a load of it. I honestly cannot recall a time my parents genuinely got along in my childhood. There was this one time I saw them share a laugh at my baby shower a few years back, but that’s all I can remember.

People who are successful in later life have invariably learned how to be resilient in their earlier life (Hart, 1997). There are ways in which a divorced parent can improve their child’s resiliency. Hart (1997) describes the tools necessary for building resiliency in children: Don’t be afraid to be honest with your child- a child can cope better with fears that are based on truth, communicate trust to your child, give liberal explanations but not defensive excuses- meaning providing the child with the facts, allow the child time for processing and coping, giving freedom of choice and building the child’s security- Hart (1997) suggests that parents change as little as absolutely necessary of the child’s environment, home, school, and neighborhood during and immediately after the divorce. My parents did do a great job of building my security. I didn’t do much moving as a child and I was able to maintain my friends and church during the process of their divorce and well after. I can also say that I always had freedom of choice as I was free to decide whose home I wanted to stay in and when and which holidays I wanted to spend time with which parent.

Reference

Hart, A. (1997). Helping children survive divorce: What to expect; how to help. Nashville, TN:

Thomas Nelson. ISBN: 9780849939495


200 word Reply

Trude 

Divorce teaches children that commitments can be broke. A marriage, a union before Christ can also be broke. It teaches children that it is okay to commit adultery; that promises can be easily broken; it teaches children to blame themselves for what their parents has caused in the family. Divorce teaches children the opposite of being loving and caring. It fills children up with dislike, distrust, fear, and aggression. It teaches children behaviors like lying and furtiveness. 

According to Hart, boys are more likely to suffer during a divorce than girls. Not saying that girls don’t suffer but they are more likely to gravitate to their moms and boys experience a divorce also by the father because the father is more likely to leave the home after the divorce resulting in no male role model. This can teach boys its okay to dissolve a marriage or leave his children fatherless. This can teach girls that this is how a marriage is supposed to be.

According to Hart, these are the ways in which we can build resiliency in children following a divorce: 

1.Provide love and compassion as a reaction to dislike or hate. It is best not to put oil on the fire. It is already a resentful situation; therefore, it would be in the best interest of the children for the parents remain cool during this divorce process.

2. Learn clemency and reinstatement for resentment. We must learn to forgive for the sake of the children. We are taught forgiveness. When children do not see forgiveness then they too cannot forgive.

3. Gain patience and endurance regarding impetuous urges. Stay hopeful and teach children to trust in God. Allow him to lead the way.

4. Allow yourself to be honest with your child regarding the situation. They can cope better with reality when it is open and honest. Real problems do not usually come from reality. It comes from thought made up un of minds of what we think is happening or occurred.

The readings for this week related to me as a child of divorce regarding my feeling towards my parents who I begun to dislike them both. I dad want the one who left the marriage. Therefore, I resented him. However, I latter found out my mom was the adultery. That upset me even more. As mentioned in the readings it is best to be truth with children about what is occurring so will not develop anxiety over make believe thoughts in their head. As a child I made up stories as to what happened with my parent’s marriage. I blamed myself for their failed married.

Reference- Hart, A. (1997). Helping children survive divorce: What to expect; how to help. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson. ISBN: 9780849939495

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